You have all missed me so much. I feel bad for neglecting my blog so much as of late.  In all honesty there has been a ton going on in my life and I retreated. I isolated myself as I so often do. I’m not sure how to deal with it all so I didn’t. I know not healthy. So now all you fine people will be stuck reading about the stuff I feel ok writing about.

There might be a visit in the works after 3 long years. Part of me is over the moon at the very idea of seeing my beautiful one after so long. The more realistic part of me is terrified to get my hopes up again. It would kill me if it was canceled at the last minute. I just don’t think I can take that feeling one more time. I’m not strong enough for that again. I did get some more pictures and a small update. Its more than I had at least. I hate being so paranoid but it all seems odd. After all this time they offer a visit. Its not even close to what I was promised but I’m getting use to taking what crumbs I can get.

Now on to the non adoption BS. My other grandfather got really sick (some of you might remember my post about my paternal grandfather’s passing) At first it didn’t seem to be too big a deal. After a week of him going back and forth from a nursing home to the hospital my mother frove up to be with my grandparents. My grandma can’t drive and was having a very hard time finding rides to go see my grandpa. He was expected to make a recovery. It was going to be a long recovery but still a recovery. You probably already guessed, he died. It was very sudden. He just was gone. He was sitting up and talking at the end of visiting hours. The hospital called the family that night and said he was having problems with his lungs. He was already gone by the time they could drive to the hospital. It was a huge shock. That alone was enough to send me into deep isolation.

Now the topping on the craptatic cake…. I was forbidden to attend any of the services. You see, I have children without the benifit of a shiny ass ring. Doesn’t matter that I am unmarried by choice or that I am well into adulthood. Without a damn wedding ring I am unworthy of attending my own grandfather’s burial. We just can’t make these kind of things public ya know. What would the neighbors say? We wouldn’t want my loose morals rubbing off on the younger grandkids. So basically I am not really a part of that family and they just forgot to tell me until now. Sweet. Gee I wonder why it was so easy for people to make me feel like I was unworthy to parent.

Suz has an amazing post up. http://writingmywrongs.typepad.com/writing_my_wrongs/2008/08/care-to-play-a.html I bet most people can’t make it half way through

I’ve been taking a break for a couple of weeks now. The death of my grandfather hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. He was sick for a very long time but you can never actually be prepared for it when it happens. He was really my world as I grew up.

So now I am back kinda. I say kinda because I am a bit fragile right now. IF it gets heated I might just have to ignore it for a couple days until I feel better. But loyal readers, fear not. I am just as pissy and hard to get along with as I always was. No taking the fire out of my sails.

I hope to poat some more about adoption this week since it clearly doesn’t take up enough of my time. I know you will be on pins and needles Heehee. I did miss you guys!