If I let you, you would make me destroy myself
But in order to survive you, I must first survive myself.
I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you
There’s no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you.
I’ve gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain
I will use my mistakes against you.
There’s no other choice.
Nameless now. Nothing now. No one now.
But my soul must be iron cause my fear is naked
I’m naked and fearless.
from Bottom By Tool
Guess what? I found my anger again. Yippie. I am fully embracing it again. I think hearing this part of this song helped me find the rage I had lost. It instantly made me think of the agency that stole my baby (yep stole, I can say kidnapped if you prefer)
Since I don’t much care if I get in trouble I am just going to lay it out this time.
I will not allow you to make me destroy myself. I am done drinking the IAC poison. I am getting up off my knees. I will survive you! I will never forgive you! I will dedicate my life to closing you and anyone like you down. I will dedicate my life to protecting the scared pregnant women from predators like you. I will scream my story from the mountain tops. I will tell all that will listen. And you will have no one to blame but yourselves.
You molded me into this. I am dead inside so have nothing to left to lose. My soul is now cast in iron. My fear is naked. My rage is burning. My will is strong. I will erase you.
That is not entirely true because I am far from alone. We will erase you.
As a dear friend say “Mother’s Revolution”
I want
I want it all to end. I just want it to stop. I want to wake up and not regret that God let me live through the night. I want to feel some kind of joy again. I want to be happy. I want to be normal.
But I will never be normal again. I will always be one of those women. I will always be a birthmom. Looked at with disdain. Whispered about. Hated for being stupid enough to trust people.
What did I do to deserve this? Was I a bad person? I know I got pregnant when I wasn’t married but why does that carry a life sentence?
I was just scared. All I wanted was information. I wanted options incase something bad happened. How was I to know the bad thing was asking for help? I was so sick. I just wanted help incase I died or was too sick to care for my baby. Why is that wrong? Why did that mean I was doomed to lose my only living daughter?
I guess I was pretty dumb. I thought the lady on the phone cared abvout me. I thought she understood what I wanted. I thought I could trust her. Dumb dumb dumb
She said I needed to have a family picked in case. I hear those words echoing in my head …in case….in case. That wasn’t what she meant at all. There never was an in case. There was a promise to them. My baby was gone already. I just didn’t know it yet.
My file at the hospital was marked adoption. They called them the moment I was admited. I was never asked. My baby was rushed from the room. I saw her for a second before she was gone. Of course that is second hand knowledge since my memory was erased by they huge amount of vicodine flowing into my IV.
How is it leagal to make a mother sign away her rights when she is on heavy narcotics? How is it ethical? How is it moral? How can you keep a child knowing that this is the way they were taken from a mother who very much wanted to parent? How can any of you live with yourselves?
