Aborted Mother

I got pictures of my daughter not even 5 minutes ago. I saw the email address in my inbox and the world around me yet again crumbled.

Instantly my stomach turned. I felt that all telling lump in my throat. My eyes betrayed me and filled with tears I tried to suppress. My chest got tight and my head started to spin.

I sat there staring at my inbox. Frozen. Unable to open the email but unable to look away. Terrified of what I knew was inside that stupid email.

I thought I could do this. I was in a better place than last time I got pictures. I had my dear friend T (love does not begin to cover how I feel about her) online with me to lean on. I am brave. I am strong. I am invincible.

So I click. I see her face. I am not brave. I am not strong. I am anything but invincible. I want to die.

All I have built up within myself since the last email comes crashing down. I feel it all again. Oh God it all is back. I can’t take this for the rest of my life!

And please don’t tell me it is only until she is 18. You can’t promise me that. She may never want a thing to do with me. And reunion doesn’t fix a damn thing. I am still not there now. She is still not here now. I have already missed so much that I will never get back. I am going to miss countless more.

The darkness surrounds me once again. My anger and rage have disappeared. They fail me yet again. All that is left is the despair.

My God she is beautiful. Perfect little eyes filled with wonder. Chubby cheeks and a perfect mouth. Her hair is curly like her dads. Other than that she looks just like me at that age. A little me but not.

She looks happy. I hope she is happy.

My heart has been ripped out again. I thought I had been as low as I could ever be. I was wrong. Seems I am always wrong. Wrong about so much. Powerless to fix any of it.

I give. Adoption wins. Its too much. Now can’t it all just go away and leave me alone? I am not strong enough for this! I said that when she was born. Forcing me to do it makes me no more capable of actually doing it! I can not do it. I can not be this. I am doomed.