Adoption Is The New Pregnant
I really should not stay up late on the internet. Sometimes I run across things like this http://www.dimplesanddandelions.com/product_details.asp?Product_ID=9351 Ok so a friend actually showed it to me. My first thought when the picture popped up…. you have got to be f@*@ing kidding me!
Ummmm sorry but no. Adoption is not the new pregnant. For there to be an adoption someone gas to be pregnant you insensitive shit! Babies don’t just magically appear in social workers arms. There aren’t little girls dreaming if growing up to have their kids aopted by assholes wearing these shirts. There is a very real woman involved. A woman that has carried a child and kept that child safe. A woman who risked her life bring that child into this world. A woman who’s heart is going to break if she loses her child to adoption. A woman who’s life will be forever changed and will feel the pain of seperation until she dies. But who gives a fuck about her right? Adoption is the new pregnant!
And while I am offending people I have to say …… YOU ARE NOT PAPER PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry if you can not have a child. I truly am but pretending will not change it. Adoption and pregnancy are not the same. Not amount of dumbass phrases will make them the same. Adoption and birth are very different. People need to stop pretending they aren’t. Signing a paper to adopt makes you no more pregnant than my big toe. I’m sorry but that is reality. No woman has ever died from complications during paper signing. Downplaying the vital and dangerous realities of pregnancy are demeaning to all mothers. Adoptive mothers might be researching and learning things but it is very very different. Why not just embrace those differences instead of pretending its the same?
So let the hate mail begin. I am sick of of the dellusional crap. Face reality people.
UPDATE
Dimples and Dandelions has taken the shirt off of their website. Yippie and thank you to all who wrote them about their offensive product!!!
Sadly the shirt can still be found here
http://www.blessencematernity.com/adoption_tee.htm
http://celebritybabies.typepad.com/reviews/2007/10/update-blessenc.html
Sooooooooooo write to them everyone. We can do this. Things like this do not belong in a civilized compassionate society. Let’s pretend we have a society like that and get rid of this dumbass shirt. Then we can do one more and one more until they are all gone
bfg said,
April 1, 2008 at 9:31 pm
You are right, no “cute” saying will ever erase the pain of relinquishment or the pain of infertility. I like your point that we should embrace the differences instead of pretending it’s the same.
I do believe that families created either way are equally valid as I also believe that women who choose to parent and women who choose to place and women who choose to adopt are all valid.
I wish there were more respect for all sides of the story.
As a woman who hopes to become a parent through adoption I can tell you that I am dismissed as a woman by many because I cannot have a child by birth. That does not diminish or equal your situation, my point is simply that both the parents that lose their children and the parents that gain them by adoption have a deeper wound to deal with than what appears on the surface. The child at the cneter obviously has an huge loss to deal with as well. I wish that, in our society, the woman who gives birth to her child and chooses to place where more respected, but I honestly don’t think it’s the adoptive parents of the world who diminish her value (there are those that do, no argument) but most that I know, are grateful beyond words.
I wonder why so few people focus the anger, etc., of adoption losses on the “industry”. Because in the end, the industry is profiting from my pain and from yours.
mama2roo said,
April 1, 2008 at 9:41 pm
“No woman has ever died from complications during paper signing”–So true!
You won’t get hate mail on this post from me…you’re right on in my opinion.
Sunny said,
April 2, 2008 at 12:02 am
Dead-on! It’s insulting, and rude. I fear what I would do if I happened on someone actually wearing one!
aislin13 said,
April 2, 2008 at 1:13 am
I am sorry that women trying to adopt feel dismissed. However, dimissing another woman’s role in her own child’s life will not solve that. I’m not saying you do that but the shirt sure as hell does. It disrespects mothers and the children so coveted by the industry. It revictimizes women that are already in a horrible place of pain and refret. That is unacceptable to me. It would be like me wearing a “infertility = evolution at work” shirt (yes I have seen it) How would infertile people feel seeing those when wqalking down the street. Mothers who have lost their children are human too. I can’t imagine what would happen if I saw someone wearing that drivel.
And my anger if very focused at the industry. Many people don’t realize that the agencies silence mothers. Its a risk to speak out. The biggest way is that if the people that adopted my daughter ever figured out this was my blog I would lose what little visitaion I have. I have already had an agency threaten to sue just because I told my story. They also called child protection on me for contesting the adoption. Trust me, my anger is pointed mostly at them. I just have to be careful what I say.
and I know most of this has little to do with the comments on here. I just kinda went off in some strange lack of sleep fog
Tonya said,
April 2, 2008 at 2:32 am
bfg, I for one do focus most of my anger on the industry.. and on the agency with which I dealt and the adoption “counselor” with whom I dealt, in particular.
Maybe you’re right when you say most adoptive parents don’t attempt to diminish a first mother’s value.. but on one adoptive parents/wannabe-adoptive parents board to the next, it’s often exactly what I see. Also, in direct reference to the original post, I have seen adoptive parents refer to shirts such as these as “so cute.” I don’t find them cute. I find them offensive.
Please consider, also, that it’s very difficult for some of us to always focus our anger squarely on the industry when the person telling us “no” to visits or, in my case, are currently barely communicating at all, are the adoptive parents. To be respected, one must show respect. and, in adoption, it is my experience the adoptive parents often fire the first shot in this regard.
I realize those who find themselves facing infertility are in their own pain, dealing with their own grief and loss. But to make up cutesy phrases to try to pretend and play that they are the ones giving birth is insulting to me, and honestly it SHOULD be insulting to them.
Neither my grief, nor yours, is “so cute.”
bfg said,
April 2, 2008 at 6:16 am
I appreciate both your comments. And I am glad you blog about your experiences. Your voices need to be heard.
I would never wear a t-shirt like this, I don’t find it cute, and I don’t consider myself paper pregnant, that all seems contrived to me. If we had had success with IVF, I would not have dressed my child in a ‘test tube baby’ onsies either.
I am in hope of finding an open adoption that works for everyone involved. I hope there is such a thing.
It pains me to hear that so many women who thought they were getting an open adoption are finding the door slammed on them. That is just wrong.
It scares me too. As much as I want to be a mother, I don’t want to raise a child who’s first mother regrets placing him or her with us. I can’t quite express that right. In other words I don’t want to parent a child who’s mother didn’t want us to, but I sure don’t want to find myself in a place where I’m being asked to give a 2 year old back.
I’m not sure what the answer is. I’ve been careful to educate myself and select an agency with a good reputation of approaching this honestly and ethically, but is that enough?
victoriasparda said,
April 3, 2008 at 6:20 am
The people wearing shirts like that will never have to feel the child childing the hell out of their ribs, get UTIs because the child stops them from being able to empty their bladder, feel the pain of the fractured pelvis I have right now from my child’s weight, go through 8+ hours of excruciating pain that I will have to go through, never have to have the fear of not knowing if they will have to be sliced open for the child to be born safely, or even worse, the fear of death due to complications in labor!
The people who adopted my first child had all the excitement, all the joy of becoming parents, and where did that leave me? Sitting at home with no one to help me when I could barely stand up while taking anti-depressant meds to keep me from feeling the pain of knowing that I wasn’t good enough to give my own child a decent life! That’s where it left me! A woman in shambles wondering how things would be different if only I was cut out to be a mother to my own child!
Personally, I have emailed that site to tell them off, I urge others to do the same, even if it doesn’t do any good, at least we can tell them what we think of that offensive shirt!
victoriasparda said,
April 3, 2008 at 6:21 am
I meant “kicking the hell out their ribs” Damn typos!
Linda Webber said,
April 3, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I am amazed at the Christian adoption agencies that will say how God loves adoption.Want to know what the Bible really says about adoption?
“THE WICKED SNATCH FATHERLESS CHILDREN FROM THEIR MOTHER’S BREASTS, AND TAKE A POOR MAN’S BABY AS A PLEDGE BEFORE THEY WILL LOAN HIM ANY MONEY OR GRAIN” –Job 24:9–
tish said,
April 3, 2008 at 10:35 pm
i often find myself caught in the balance between rage and sorrow when i read posts like these. even now, as i attempt to write what i feel, my visceral response is to send this company an MP3 link to a childbirth video and allow them to understand that “adoption isn’t the new pregnant anything!” it’s adoption!
i have 2 children. i am expecting my 3rd in june. i made an adoption plan with my first son, yet changed my mind before birth. i was harrassed, called names, told that i would be reported to CYS; and made to feel like i was the scum of the earth for “ruining the only chance” for a couple of infertile people to become parents. i basically told this agency to kiss my ass. yet, i lived with a ton of guilt and fear that my son would be taken from me, for years.
i digress
in addition to dealing with that pain from 16 years ago, i have also experienced very difficult pregnancies, with daily nausea, joint and nerve pain. i have permanent changes to my body that even cosmentic surgery won’t fix. i had a hemorroidectomy due to delivering a 9.3 baby, urinary incontence and vulular pain from a botched episiotmy. lately, the constant fear of “will i have another 16 hour labor in june” loops in my head. and of course, the beautifully artistic “road-map” to mecca on my ass! (that’s mommy-speak for pregnancy-related stretch marks for the “paper-pregnant” folks).
what this t-shirt and others represent to me is a neurosis of some women to “play pregnant”, validate their own loss and pain due to infertility; and to showcase a below-surface disdain for women who can become pregnant. but, most of all, it’s hurtful.
these women are NOT pregnancy in any shape of form. most of these women do NOT understand the tremendous emotional and physical toll a full-term pregnancy takes on one’s body. and i think it’s extremely rude, insensitive and condescending to pregnant and birthing women to have our experiences co-opted to satisfy another’s pain of infertility.
as pregnant women, we have to walk on egg-shells around infertile friends and co-workers. we have to live in fear that someone might try to assault, or hell, kill us for our child because *they* can’t have one. we have to deal with taunts, nasty remarks about being “hyper-breeders” or “rubbing our pregnancies in other’s faces” all because some infertile women feel unfairly dealt a bad hand by mother nature. our babies at birth have to wear clonky security tags, like gucci purses, just to prevent being abducted. and according to FBI profiling, it’s usually some woman who can’t get pregnant. ironically, when these horrible cases come to light, there is always someone from the infertile community who wants US to “understand” how emotionally difficult it is to not be able to have children; and the pain that drives these women to commit these offenses.
now, i understand that not all infertile women will resort to this type of behavior, but this is the type of shit that “pregnant-pregrent women” fear. pregnant women can’t even complain about being sick, in pain or hell, fucking miscerable without having to hear, “at least you can become pregnant!”
i don’t know. my thoughts are all over the place and incoherent when i listen to them in my head. all i hear is the marginalization of pregnant women and birthing mothers; and want to scream!
i apologize for hijacking your blog… but when i saw this link from Y!A, i had to chime in…
peace.
victoriasparda said,
April 4, 2008 at 3:08 am
HAHA! They removed the product! I guess I’m not the only one who wrote in to them about that shirt!
victoriasparda said,
April 5, 2008 at 2:36 am
Response to update: I’m one it and going to be forwarding this to my friends was well. Has anyone brought it to the attention of the Y!Answer community yet?
Clare said,
April 8, 2008 at 12:16 am
I hope no one minds if I address “bfg” directly. bfg: Like you, I’ve never lost a child to adoption. I’m not planning to ever adopt one either. I have three. Having your family intact is like good health, it’s an easy thing to take for granted. That’s why blogs like this are so important. Without them, people like myself would never learn about the vicious coersion going on in this glorified industry. I hope no one minds me putting my two cents in. bfg, it sounds like you really want an ethical adoption. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I don’t think there is any ethical way to adopt a newborn. Certainly there is no ethical way to adopt a baby targeted before birth. Frankly if its bad in this country I’m afraid its even worse overseas. Chinese parents for example face enormous fines amounting to several years income for the privlige of keeping a second child. And you can just imagine the coercion in any part of the world where whole cities have economys based on adoption and adoption tourism. Throughout human history (at least until around the 50’s) people who wanted to adopt have gone where the honestly orphaned or abandoned children were, the orphanage. Today that would mean adopting through the foster care system. Not every child available for adoption through the fostor care system is disabled. If you are willing to consider a sibling group and especially if you will consider children regardless of race I bet you and your husband will be able to offer a good home to children who actually need it. God knows DSS has its flaws but this route would certainly be more ethical than targeting some poor girl just because she seems vulnerable and alone. I really wish you all the best. Clare
aislin13 said,
April 8, 2008 at 4:34 am
Bravo! Clare bravo! I agree that there really is no ethical way to adopt a newborn. It is rare that an AP gets a real honest look at what adoption does to natural mothers. Look at Cindy Jordon Allison Quets, Jaime Keifer, myself and most of the blogs linked here. Women are dying because of this industry. It is tearing families apart and literally killing women and their now grown children. I would not even be here to blog if my wonderful boyfriend had not decided to come home early on the night I finally broke. I have yet to talk with a natural mother that has not contemplated or tried suicide. That is unacceptable in my book
Lady Portia said,
April 18, 2008 at 9:19 am
Most adopters are NEEDY ADULTS who have not learned to inner parent.
So they see a baby and they must have it.
The industry is feeding their EGOS and lining their pockets as well.
An adoption in UK creates about £500,000 pounds if contested.
Of course there are thousands of FORCED ADOPTIONS here- where babies are stolen and given to strangers for little or no reason.
The social workers have become so daring that they steal without even a court order, and leave no trace of baby on paper.
Women need to grow up and stop stealing babies.
It is Matri- Genocide.
It is legalised child trafficing.
It is slavery.
It is back to the old days where women and children are possessions of male Patriarchal society.
May the light of Justice shine and bring the truth to light.
If they are stopping you from speaking truth, then do want to hide the LIE.
Lady Portia said,
April 18, 2008 at 9:20 am
The industry is killing off the MOTHER ASPECT OF HUMANITY.
For what??
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Fred said,
April 18, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Gay - you all need help
aislin13 said,
April 18, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Wow since you put that so itteligently and maturly I am arunnin to gets me some help! I sure hope I don’t get lost on the way.
In case you didn’t catch it … I think you are a total dumbass Fred at yahoo
JadedTears said,
April 18, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Hey Fred… How about u get a clue 1st!!!
JadedTears said,
April 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm
bfg: How on earth can u come here and read all the pain and then think its a good idea to indulge in your selfish ways??? Does nothing sink into that thick skull? Instead of taking what’s not yours why don’t u try to help women keep thier babies? Be an answer, and not add more to the problem!
Linda Webber said,
April 18, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Is Fred wanting to get his woman a baby to make her happy? Or maybe Fred is one of those deadbeat dads that poke um and leave um?ORRRRRRRRRRRR Maybe Fred is part of the 2 billion dollar industry? Whatever his agenda is,he is not a very nice human being.
jbeeky said,
June 3, 2008 at 5:02 am
I am adopting internationally and also have a bio son. I can have my children biologically, I CHOOSE to adopt as a way to expand my family. I had someone give me a “paper pregnant” shirt. I wore it and answered questions all day. I thought it was a great way to show I was proud of adopting. I certianly did not mean to offend. I am not some unevolved narcissist. I apologize to anyone who may have seen my in it and was offended.
aislin13 said,
June 3, 2008 at 10:25 am
I pray with all my heart that the child’s mother is freely choosing adoption to shrink her family. Sounds funny… adoption to disassemble her family… adoption to deflate her family… adoption to tear asunder her family… I guess you can’t use that phrase for mothers on the other side of adoption. But that is another rant and maybe another post.
I’m sure many people who wear tastless things don’t mean to offend. That in itself is part of the problem. Its a total lack of empathy. If you were a mother of adoption loss or an adoptee that considered adoption a huge trauma in your life would you really want to be reminded of it everywhere you go. I can tell you it is everywhere. There is no escape from it. Its on tv, the radio, movies. Now we have to see it on stupid t shirts walking down the street. We have no safe place at all. Ok that is yet again a rant for another post. Just one of those days I guess
rrr said,
June 9, 2008 at 11:50 am
Many women give their children up freely. Some are so abusive to them that they must be rescued from torture in order to be adopted. I have one of both.
aislin13 said,
June 9, 2008 at 11:58 am
I often wonder about all of these moms that freely give up babies. I keep hearing about them but everytime I meet a nmom she tells a different story. I’m begining to think its a myth. As for foster adoption (which I am assuming you are refering to) I have nothing against it. If you read the whole blog you will see I am talking about domestic infant adoption. I don’t know enough about foster adoption or international adoption to comment much. Adoption should be a last resort IMO. It should also be about finding families for children that need them instead of finding a baby for families that want one.
Margie said,
June 16, 2008 at 12:09 am
Well said, very well said.
doron said,
July 20, 2008 at 8:40 am
I am sorry you have all had negative experiences with pregnancy and adoption. Those of us that chose not to have children or can’t are not lesser beings. Being able to have sex and procreate is completely biological and is no miracle, it’s science. Just because you can doesn’t mean you will have a strong family or be a great Mother. Children are neglected and abandoned every day. If all you say is true than child services would not be an overburdened arm of our communities.
If you don’t want to be a part of the patriarchal machine than don’t woman-hate. Wanting to Mother is wanting to love; not control, not own, and not steal. IT is the love that has kept you with your pregnancies and children, or which has given those the strength to know when adoption or abortion is the right answer. Don’t hate that. It is a stubborn and thickheaded as you accuse others of being.
As a sister to an abandoned/adopted sister, a friend to a birth mother in a open adoption situation (who is highly educated), the hate you are breeding is what turns women against women and gives ‘the man’ all of the power. Be careful.
aislin13 said,
July 20, 2008 at 9:54 am
Are you for real? Seriously?? So now on top of being an unfit mother (thanks Jim) and a whore I am a bad feminist? Wow that is priceless. So would it be better if I was all smiles and sunshine that someone stole my baby? Would I be a good feminist then?
Birth is a miracle to many. It is way more than being able to have sex and gestate. And guess what… I do have a strong family and I am a great mother. What you seem to be ignoring is that we are talking about domestic infant adoption. Foster adoption is another issue all together. Being able to pay the money to adopt doesn’t mean you are meant to be a mother. It means you had the money and the want. It doesn’t make you any damn better than the woman that birthed the child you covet.
If you don’t want to be a part of the patriarchal machine than don’t ignore the women that are still oppressed. Don’t turn a blind eye to reproductive exploitation. It is very real and very much alive in this country. SWs are in hospitals pushing papers at women mere hours after they have given birth. Women that are still heavily medicated, bleeding, in pain and scared to death. Taking advantage of the hormones and fears of women is not the feminist thing to do. Laying down after it has been done to you and letting it continue is not the feminist thing to do. I think you might need to reevaluate who is being thick headed and stubborn. Adoption is primarily a woman on woman crime. I’m glad you friend’s open adoption agreement is being honored. She is luckier than most of us. Its wonderful that she is highly educated. Most FIRST or NATURAL moms are. I wonder why you felt the need to add that tid bit.
The only thing I need to be careful of is the vultures waiting with open arms to victimize pregnant women. Do some reading and get over your narrow minded thinking
doron said,
July 20, 2008 at 12:29 pm
You are doing a disservice to woman that do make conscious decisions to give their child to someone else. I am sorry you have regret and had a horrible experience. I don’t know your circumstances. If you child was stolen than you have a legal situation and I am sure there are lawyers out there that would help you. There is a myth that birth mothers are uneducated, young, and victimized and it’s not always true. I am not saying that it doesn’t hurt but you can’t keep hating the women who love. Regret is a horrible thing.