March 19, 2007 at 6:09 pm (adoption)

I am so sick of hearing how grateful I should be. I have contacted numerous lawyers who all have the same party line. “Yes it was illegal how they got
your  daughter but in our opinion you should just go home and be grateful you have  visitation and get pictures”

 Grateful for what? For having my daughter
stolen?  Maybe for the three hour long visits I get a year. I love the pictures but they  should have been taken on my camera. How can I be grateful for
anything after  they ripped my daughter away from me illegally.

Maybe it makes me a bad person  but I’m not grateful. I hate every last one of them. They are evil, selfish,  greedy people who care nothing for me or my daughter.

She is a possession to  them. A status symbol. Something they bought and sold. And I am an
annoyance. If  I don’t shut up and be a good little girl they won’t let me see her again. Well  I refuse to lay down like a beaten dog. What they did was wrong! I will scream  it from the rooftops for anyone who will listen to hear. I will scream about it,  write about it, paint about it and anything else I can think of.

They might take  away my visits but I will give my daughter something far more important. When  she grows up she will know that I raged and fought for her. I will give her a  mother that didn’t just take it. I will give her a mother that kicked and  screamed until someone noticed. And maybe I can save someone else from the pain  I have to endure in the process.

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I Lost My Freind Today

March 19, 2007 at 4:46 am (adoption)

I lost my friend today. She didn’t move away or die. We didn’t have a fight or just grow apart. She gave up. Life finally became too much for her. She lost her will to fight. She was swallowed by a pain so great she couldn’t fight it any longer. She was taken away by adoption.My friend was beautiful. She was brave and strong. She never had an easy life but she always kept her chin up. She had 2 beautiful children that were the light of her eye. She was a good mom and loved being with them. It wasn’t until she became pregnant again that the problem arose.She was scared. How could she have another child at her age. The father was abusive. How could she protect her precious baby? The father insists she get an abortion. She knows in her heart she can not but seeks the information anyway. There she meets people who tell her she is doing the wrong thing. How can she kill this baby? Doesn’t she love it? Why not choose adoption? Its the loving option. She can help some poor infertile couple. If she truly loves her child she will do this. They made sense. She could save her baby and help someone else. She will be brave and do what they say is right. Months go by so fast. She falls in love with the life inside of her. She rejoices at its every movement. She loved her baby more than life itself. She begins to doubt her desicion. She calls the agency to tell them how she feels. But think of how you will hurt that poor couple they say. And what about the dad. He will surely abuse the baby. You can never keep her safe. You have 2 children already. They can give your baby so much more than you. Don’t be selfish. Think of the baby first. If you truly love your child you will do this. She hangs up and cries herself to sleep.Then the fateful day arrives. She feels the first pains of labor with dread. She screams no in her mind. It is too soon. I want more time with her. Please God don’t take her from me yet!. But her water broke and she knew she had to go to the hospital. She gave birth to a beautiful little girl. She heard her first cries with both joy and fear. She knew she couldn’t do this. She begged them to bring her the baby. Finally she held her child. She stared into the babies eyes. Eyes that were so like her own. She counted every finger and every toe. She memorized every feature of her daughters face. She fell in love with that child of her flesh.

 She left the hospital with her child. She checked into a hotel. Just her and the baby, together, a family alone. She heard a knock on the door that mad her stomach drop. They had come for her. She sobbed as they told her she had to do the right thing. They poured her a glass of wine for her nerves. They told her how she wa hurting her little girl. How selfish she was being. How she was breaking the hearts of the poor couple who had been waiting to adopt. If she truly loved her baby she would do this. The wine kept coming as they talked. They pulled out papers and she pushed them away. The wine kept coming. Still she pushed the papers away. They grew angry. How could she pay for college. She was hurting her other children with this. She was just being selfish. She had to do the right thing. They held her hand steady as she signed the papers. Then with a smile they took the baby and were gone.

She was alone.

No baby to take care of and love. Her body hurt from birth but there was no proof it ever happened. Her breasts leaked milk for a baby that was gone. She cried herself to sleep again

She called the agency. She begged them to bring her daughter back. They said its too late. You signed the papers. You gave her away. You should be happy. You need to get over it. You will forget and move on. Your baby has a new mommy now. She doesn’t even know who you are.

She never moved on. She never got over it. She is not happy. Her soul screams in anguish every second of every day. She cries herself to sleep every night now. She has no joy in life. She is no longer brave. She no longer smiles. She stares at the world through haunted eyes. She is no longer here.

Tonight she gave up. My friend checked herself into a hospital that I don’t know she will ever be out of. She is gone.

She was the only one who understood me. She was the only one who understood my pain. She was the only one who knew the hell I lived in. She was the only one and now she is gone. I lost my friend today and I think I lost me.

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