I Lost My Freind Today

March 19, 2007 at 4:46 am (adoption)

I lost my friend today. She didn’t move away or die. We didn’t have a fight or just grow apart. She gave up. Life finally became too much for her. She lost her will to fight. She was swallowed by a pain so great she couldn’t fight it any longer. She was taken away by adoption.My friend was beautiful. She was brave and strong. She never had an easy life but she always kept her chin up. She had 2 beautiful children that were the light of her eye. She was a good mom and loved being with them. It wasn’t until she became pregnant again that the problem arose.She was scared. How could she have another child at her age. The father was abusive. How could she protect her precious baby? The father insists she get an abortion. She knows in her heart she can not but seeks the information anyway. There she meets people who tell her she is doing the wrong thing. How can she kill this baby? Doesn’t she love it? Why not choose adoption? Its the loving option. She can help some poor infertile couple. If she truly loves her child she will do this. They made sense. She could save her baby and help someone else. She will be brave and do what they say is right. Months go by so fast. She falls in love with the life inside of her. She rejoices at its every movement. She loved her baby more than life itself. She begins to doubt her desicion. She calls the agency to tell them how she feels. But think of how you will hurt that poor couple they say. And what about the dad. He will surely abuse the baby. You can never keep her safe. You have 2 children already. They can give your baby so much more than you. Don’t be selfish. Think of the baby first. If you truly love your child you will do this. She hangs up and cries herself to sleep.Then the fateful day arrives. She feels the first pains of labor with dread. She screams no in her mind. It is too soon. I want more time with her. Please God don’t take her from me yet!. But her water broke and she knew she had to go to the hospital. She gave birth to a beautiful little girl. She heard her first cries with both joy and fear. She knew she couldn’t do this. She begged them to bring her the baby. Finally she held her child. She stared into the babies eyes. Eyes that were so like her own. She counted every finger and every toe. She memorized every feature of her daughters face. She fell in love with that child of her flesh.

 She left the hospital with her child. She checked into a hotel. Just her and the baby, together, a family alone. She heard a knock on the door that mad her stomach drop. They had come for her. She sobbed as they told her she had to do the right thing. They poured her a glass of wine for her nerves. They told her how she wa hurting her little girl. How selfish she was being. How she was breaking the hearts of the poor couple who had been waiting to adopt. If she truly loved her baby she would do this. The wine kept coming as they talked. They pulled out papers and she pushed them away. The wine kept coming. Still she pushed the papers away. They grew angry. How could she pay for college. She was hurting her other children with this. She was just being selfish. She had to do the right thing. They held her hand steady as she signed the papers. Then with a smile they took the baby and were gone.

She was alone.

No baby to take care of and love. Her body hurt from birth but there was no proof it ever happened. Her breasts leaked milk for a baby that was gone. She cried herself to sleep again

She called the agency. She begged them to bring her daughter back. They said its too late. You signed the papers. You gave her away. You should be happy. You need to get over it. You will forget and move on. Your baby has a new mommy now. She doesn’t even know who you are.

She never moved on. She never got over it. She is not happy. Her soul screams in anguish every second of every day. She cries herself to sleep every night now. She has no joy in life. She is no longer brave. She no longer smiles. She stares at the world through haunted eyes. She is no longer here.

Tonight she gave up. My friend checked herself into a hospital that I don’t know she will ever be out of. She is gone.

She was the only one who understood me. She was the only one who understood my pain. She was the only one who knew the hell I lived in. She was the only one and now she is gone. I lost my friend today and I think I lost me.

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8 Comments

  1. Linda Webber said,

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dear friend! The adoption industry does NOT care what the seperation of mommies and babies does to both of them.All they care about is making a sell.The people who adopt are their business and however they need to get a woman to sign they will even if that means they have to drug her.When will all this stop?It is NOT safe for a women to even think about adoption because the adoption agencies will disregard her after they take and sell her baby to the infertile.Please know that my heart is with you at this diffucult time for you and your friend..Hugs and Love,Linda
    Another Mother of adoption loss friend!

  2. John Anderson said,

    How can I talk to my daughter about this? 25 years
    ago she left town to give birth and place the
    baby with adoptive parents. She was only 16. We’ve
    never talked about it yet I feel it is something
    we need to come to terms with rather than stay
    silent. How do I start? Should I start?

  3. aislin13 said,

    Personally I think you should start. It is much easier to let it all out than to keep it in. When it is all kept inside it can be a poison. We natural mothers are rarely allowed to grieve. We need to grieve. Some of us do it better than others but we all need it. Even if you just tell her you are sorry it happened and hold her if she cries it will mean the world. I am so sorry your family went through this. I wish no one did. But I think you are right, you need to come to terms with it as a family. Plus these days adopted people find their mothers a lot. Mothers find their lost children. You could very well reunite with your grandchild. I would be happy to send you some links to excellent groups that have helped me.

  4. momseekingpeace said,

    I know the hollow eyes.

    John, dont let her convince you that it doesnt bother her, help her through it, its there still….

  5. Shannan said,

    This post made me weep. There are some things that faith can’t fix aren’t there?
    Aislin is there a post about your story, or is it too personal?

  6. Myst1998 said,

    Wow, Aislin, this was a struggle to read… the pain so clear and so raw. I am so sorry to hear you lost this friend and yet it happens so much more than people can imagine.

    I hope one day, she will be able to venture out of that place and find someway to get through life for her children’s sake. It wouldn’t be easy I am sure but…. she needs to be there for the day her daughter might come looking for her.

    Ouch, this hurt… it transported me back to the year after I lost Amber, I cam sure you can appreciate how difficult those first months and years are. Until you learn you cannot change anything.

    Is there any update on her? I read this last night and it stayed with me through the night… its awful to think someone is in so much pain there was no way out…

    I am so sorry Aislin, so sorry. I know this is an old post but still… I am so sorry for you and your friend and for all mothers who are duped out of their babies just because we wanted to do the right thing and we were lied to.

    (((Hugs))))

  7. aislin13 said,

    Shannan, I have written some parts of my story. I have written up to the point of going to the hospital. I haven’t been able to write the rest yet. I have tried so many times but I keep breaking down. I know I need to write it but its just very very hard.

    Myst, I honestly do not know how she is. She got out of the hospital and we spoke a few more times. Then she disappeared. She refused to talk to me at all. My emails were unanswered. She wouldn’t answer the phone. I have no idea why. I think that wounded me very deeply. It took me years to ever trust another mother the way I trusted her. I am still very gaurded with my heart. I am quick to open up, help or defend people but real trust takes a very long time. The worst part is that before that the only people I could trust totally were other moms. Now that has been taken as well

  8. Myst1998 said,

    I am so sorry Aislin. I wish I lived closer to you and other moms I have met online, I feel as though you are the only people who really get how hard this can be… so I can imagine how difficult it must have been to lose this friend.

    How very, very sad this story is.

    Myst xxx

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