Pass the Blinders Please

March 31, 2007 at 8:45 pm (adoption, birthmother, birthparents)

I use to live life much like most people. I had my own special set of blinders on. I have always been empathetic. However it is easy not to notice things when they don’t directly effect you or people you love.

When I lost my only living daughter my blinders broke. I can’t ignore things the way I previously could. I see people’s pain every where. Even worse most of the time I feel their pain.

With the ability to see and feel the pain comes a horrible knowledge. The knowledge that not every one makes it. Some times the pain is too great to live through. Some times it breaks a person. At times they turn into a shell of their former self. Just barely existing and never truly living again. For others they die. Some just slowly fade away while others end it fast.

I have a small group of natural moms that I have grown close too. It is amazing in itself because I trust no one at this point but these ladies. They keep me going when I want to give up. We are 100% there for each other. Many nights we sit up all night just to be there for the one that isn’t doing so well. They are more of a family than I have ever had.

This is where the knowledge comes in. I know that we aren’t all going to make it through to the other side. I try to make myself believe we will. I lie to myself everyday. Yet my blinders are broken. I know its a lie. I can see it. I can hear it in their words. I know when they are telling me what I want to hear. I know the truth and I hate it.

This is true for one member of my group more than any other. She is trying so hard but everyday she slips a little farther from this world. I try to hang on to her as tight as I can but she slips between my fingers. I can’t let her go. I love her so much. I need her. SHe is so much a part of me. I can’t lose her too.

Yet nothing I do helps her. Nothing anyone says or does eases her pain. She has no escape. Her world is dark, ugly and painful. She can not find her way out. I can not help her. Professionals can not help her. Friends can not help her. Family can not help her. 

I don’t want to know this anymore. I want to believe she is going to be happy again. I want to be able to picture her in a beautiful life. I want to truly believe we will grow old together. I want my blinders back!!!!

I struggled with all of the “what do I do” thoughts. I could call the police and have her put in a mental hospital. All that would do is push her farther along the road. They would surly tell her to get over it. (and have) I can continue on doing what I have been and pray thay it is enough. But I know its not.

The sad thing is that I know I will have to admit there is nothing I can do. I am powerless again. I can not make it better for her. I can not make her more capable of handling this. She is who she is. (I happen to think she is perfect.) Nothing I say or do will effect her ability to get through this. I can be her shoulder. I can be her ear. I can be the rock she holds onto. Yet I can’t make her lean on that shoulder. I can’t make her talk. I can’t make her grab ahold of the rock. No matter how much I want to I can’t make her survive.

I wonder how many times she has thought these same things about me. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe we will all live to be old and gray. Maybe I am reading to much into thoughts and actions I don’t understand. And maybe the sky will open up and the hand of the almighty will make our families and souls whole again. While we’re at it maybe there will be world peace and everyone will have a full plate tonight.

I wish I could just go back to being normal. I don’t want any of this anymore. Does it ever end?

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March 31, 2007 at 4:30 pm (adoption, birthmother, birthparents)

So many times I have been asked to describe how it feels to lose a child to adoption. I have come to realize that it just can’t be done. The feelings are to intense and most people don’t have a point of reference so can’t really get it. This is as close as I can come and it is really a poor comparison.

Up until the adoption experience the ground I stood on was always solid. It was safe. While things happened to maske it feel unsafe at times it was still just one solid piece of ground.

When I woke up and realized my child was gone and I couldn’t do a thing about it that ground opened up. A great quake in my life split the ground beneathe my feet.

A huge chasm opened up in that ground. It was no longer solid and whole. There was a huge rift opening up to a hell most people can only imagine.

Now I am left straddleing that chasm. One foot precariously balanced on each side of the hole.

Everyday I try to steady my footing. The whole time the earth shakes and threatens to pull me down into the depths. It is a constant fight. I try to balance myself while it trys to pull me down.

Losing a child in this manner is a never ending sick dance. You try to balance your life and have something real and good to hold on to. Yet you can never forget that a part of your soul, your essence, your very being has been removed. It is gone and its not coming back. Nothing can fix that.

I’ve been staring at this for days now. Time to say screw it. Its being published even though it sucks.

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