Pass the Blinders Please

March 31, 2007 at 8:45 pm (adoption, birthmother, birthparents)

I use to live life much like most people. I had my own special set of blinders on. I have always been empathetic. However it is easy not to notice things when they don’t directly effect you or people you love.

When I lost my only living daughter my blinders broke. I can’t ignore things the way I previously could. I see people’s pain every where. Even worse most of the time I feel their pain.

With the ability to see and feel the pain comes a horrible knowledge. The knowledge that not every one makes it. Some times the pain is too great to live through. Some times it breaks a person. At times they turn into a shell of their former self. Just barely existing and never truly living again. For others they die. Some just slowly fade away while others end it fast.

I have a small group of natural moms that I have grown close too. It is amazing in itself because I trust no one at this point but these ladies. They keep me going when I want to give up. We are 100% there for each other. Many nights we sit up all night just to be there for the one that isn’t doing so well. They are more of a family than I have ever had.

This is where the knowledge comes in. I know that we aren’t all going to make it through to the other side. I try to make myself believe we will. I lie to myself everyday. Yet my blinders are broken. I know its a lie. I can see it. I can hear it in their words. I know when they are telling me what I want to hear. I know the truth and I hate it.

This is true for one member of my group more than any other. She is trying so hard but everyday she slips a little farther from this world. I try to hang on to her as tight as I can but she slips between my fingers. I can’t let her go. I love her so much. I need her. SHe is so much a part of me. I can’t lose her too.

Yet nothing I do helps her. Nothing anyone says or does eases her pain. She has no escape. Her world is dark, ugly and painful. She can not find her way out. I can not help her. Professionals can not help her. Friends can not help her. Family can not help her. 

I don’t want to know this anymore. I want to believe she is going to be happy again. I want to be able to picture her in a beautiful life. I want to truly believe we will grow old together. I want my blinders back!!!!

I struggled with all of the “what do I do” thoughts. I could call the police and have her put in a mental hospital. All that would do is push her farther along the road. They would surly tell her to get over it. (and have) I can continue on doing what I have been and pray thay it is enough. But I know its not.

The sad thing is that I know I will have to admit there is nothing I can do. I am powerless again. I can not make it better for her. I can not make her more capable of handling this. She is who she is. (I happen to think she is perfect.) Nothing I say or do will effect her ability to get through this. I can be her shoulder. I can be her ear. I can be the rock she holds onto. Yet I can’t make her lean on that shoulder. I can’t make her talk. I can’t make her grab ahold of the rock. No matter how much I want to I can’t make her survive.

I wonder how many times she has thought these same things about me. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe we will all live to be old and gray. Maybe I am reading to much into thoughts and actions I don’t understand. And maybe the sky will open up and the hand of the almighty will make our families and souls whole again. While we’re at it maybe there will be world peace and everyone will have a full plate tonight.

I wish I could just go back to being normal. I don’t want any of this anymore. Does it ever end?

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4 Comments

  1. marionmcmillan said,

    Aislin, I feel for you and the women so so so much, you have each other,what a treasure, I am here in Scotland with all that your friend has in her life, and I have no one and a few times this year I was drawn to a bridge near me that is a suicide hot-spot,I cried out to God, and here I am, still in awful pain,struggling, mentally, emotionally,I lost my son in 1966, was reunited 2004, it would take a book to write the catalogue of awful events, to date, I have lost my son again, my daughter has not spoken to me since hearing she had a brother, she now has a baby of 8mnths I have never seen, my eldest son from my marraige,and my marriage is torn tossed and hanging on just.ADOPTION IS THE WORST TRANSACTION IN THE HISTORY OF THE HUMAN RACE. To me A BOTTOMLESS ABYSS OF SORROW, I am so far down that abyss, it is so dark, and painful by all the sharp jagged craggs that have injured me on the way, I feel only a merciful God can blow this wide open to the world,as I have tried everything.Mara

  2. aislin13 said,

    Now you have us. You can email me any time. You can leave comments. We can even call. The group of moms I know have all made a pact. We will not turn our backs on anyone that has suffered at the hands of adoption. You are one of us and therefor will always be our sister. I an so sorry for all you have and are suffering. No one should have to feel this pain. you aren’t alone anymore!!!

  3. marionmcmillan said,

    Thanks Aislin, your encouragement means a lot,what a treasure a pact with your sisters-in-loss,pass on my love and care.tartan Hugs.Mara

  4. Myst1998 said,

    Aislin, sorry I am going back through and reading all your old posts… this one rings true for me too… I wish I had never known this new world. This world that holds so much pain, anger, grief and loss.

    I wish I could say the pain gets easier… for me it hasn’t, I just get better at learning how to live WITH it but there are still days when it leaps out and just pulls you down.

    Sorry you have also been thrown into this world as well.

    Myst xxx

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