The big suprise

April 30, 2007 at 10:01 am (adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, Uncategorized)

I haven’t written in a bit. Mostly because I was trying to figure out my feelings on some things. I still haven’t figured it all out.

So to start at the begining, I have been really moody lately. Things have been getting to me more than usual. I have been feeling very mixed up about everything. Crying at the dumbest things.

After a week or two of the emotional swings I finally found out why. I am pregnant. Yep pregnant. I can almost hear the collective gasp.

I was so happy when I found out. Actually overjoyed. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. There is a little tiny baby that looks a lot like a lima bean in my tummy.

This is where it gets tricky. After about three days this fear washed over me. It was not the normal pregnancy fears. I wasn’t worried I would be a bad mom or that labor would hurt too much. It was a different fear. It was bone chilling fear.

The questions started circling in my mind. What if “they ” decided they wanted this baby too? What if some social worker showed up in my hospital room again? What if someone tries to get me to sign papers when I am still drugged again?

I started having strange dreams about the agency tracking me through my medical records. Coming to the hospital and taking my baby again.

I don’t know how to make this fear go away. Most of the time it doesn’t get to me but sometimes it is overwhelming.

I am really happy to be pregnant but I am scared to death someone will try to take this baby from me too.


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Pictures and the doom of me

April 21, 2007 at 11:18 am (adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, Uncategorized)

I got pictures of my daughter not even 5 minutes ago. I saw the email address in my inbox and the world around me yet again crumbled.

Instantly my stomach turned. I felt that all telling lump in my throat. My eyes betrayed me and filled with tears I tried to suppress. My chest got tight and my head started to spin.

I sat there staring at my inbox. Frozen. Unable to open the email but unable to look away. Terrified of what I knew was inside that stupid email.

I thought I could do this. I was in a better place than last time I got pictures. I had my dear friend T (love does not begin to cover how I feel about her) online with me to lean on. I am brave. I am strong. I am invincible.

So I click. I see her face. I am not brave. I am not strong. I am anything but invincible. I want to die.

All I have built up within myself since the last email comes crashing down. I feel it all again. Oh God it all is back. I can’t take this for the rest of my life!

And please don’t tell me it is only until she is 18. You can’t promise me that. She may never want a thing to do with me. And reunion doesn’t fix a damn thing. I am still not there now. She is still not here now. I have already missed so much that I will never get back. I am going to miss countless more.

The darkness surrounds me once again. My anger and rage have disappeared. They fail me yet again. All that is left is the despair.

My God she is beautiful. Perfect little eyes filled with wonder. Chubby cheeks and a perfect mouth. Her hair is curly like her dads. Other than that she looks just like me at that age. A little me but not.

She looks happy. I hope she is happy.

My heart has been ripped out again. I thought I had been as low as I could ever be. I was wrong. Seems I am always wrong. Wrong about so much. Powerless to fix any of it.

I give. Adoption wins. Its too much. Now can’t it all just go away and leave me alone? I am not strong enough for this! I said that when she was born. Forcing me to do it makes me no more capable of actually doing it! I can not do it. I can not be this. I am doomed.

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Today I wept

April 18, 2007 at 7:56 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, cbs, first mother, help, justice, law, Stephanie Bennett, Uncategorized)

Today I wept for a girl I have never even met. I sobbed for that girl. I buried my face in my pillow and screamed her name.


Today is her beautiful baby’s first birthday and she isn’t there. She isn’t making cakes or wrapping presents. She won’t get to help that little girl make her first birthday wish ever. There won’t be silly pictures of them both in their birthday hats.

No matter what happens now that can never be given back to this young mother. She was robbed of this day by people who acted no better than kidnappers. How many more days will she be robbed of?

I am only a scant 6 months farther along in this journey than Stephanie and I pray that she never makes it to this point. I pray justice is done and she is with her child by then.

I remember the first birthday well. The throbbing pain in my chest. Aching empty arms. The horrible gross empty thing my stomach had become. The lump in my throat. The tears constantly threatening to spill down my face.

Don’t kid yourself people. Today Stephanie is in hell. But she doesn’t have to stay there. We can rise up and say that this is not something we will tolerate. We can help this young mother live again.

Today I am sending you all my strength Stephanie. Every little crumb I have of it is being sent your way.

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Stephanie Bennett

April 16, 2007 at 11:33 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, cbs, first mother, help, justice, law, Uncategorized)

This won’t be as well written as many of the blogs going up today. This case really hits close to home for me. I am sure to get a bit emotional about it.

Stephanie is a young mother. After being threatened by the father of her child she did what any smart person would do. She asked for help. She went to the school counselor at her High School. Did she get help?

Hell no. She got an adoption brochure and an appointment with an adoption agency. They helped themselves to her child. They met her one time and then helped her to run away from home and sign adoption papers.

Surely adoption was the only way to protect her and her family from the babies father. And of course she must run away from home so her parents wouldn’t interfere. So she loses her child and her parents lose their grandchild. Perfect fix.

When she changes her mind the people who have her child immediately go into hiding. The agency tells them to hide the baby. And the court battle begins.

I want all of you to really think about this one. Think how you would feel if it was your daughter and grandchild. Think about how you would feel if you grew up and found out this is how you were adopted. Think about what is going to happen to this 17 year old mother if her child is not returned. Think about what her family is going to be forced to watch happen to her.

She is 17. I was much older when it happened to me. Let me tell you it is ugly and brutal. I had been trough a lot of things in my life that made me what I consider pretty strong. Still I was broken and destroyed by adoption. I fully admit to numerous suicide attempts. I have lost months of my life just crying in bed. I suffer PTSD and major depression. And this isn’t even the really bad stuff I can’t admit to yet.

This is what Stephanie will be doomed to. Is this something we want to let happen in our society? Is this what we have become as a nation? Is money more important than morality? Are we willing to watch a 17 year old girl destroyed by a totally unregulated industry? Are we willing to let a child grow up never knowing how much her family loves and misses her? Are we going to let unethical practices and skirting of the law win?

I sure hope not. If this is something the American people can let happen then I will hang my head in shame.

Make it right people. We can save a whole family or we can let it be destroyed. We can stand up and be heard or we can crawl away with a whimper. I chose to be heard. Please help this family.

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April 15, 2007 at 5:16 am (adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

Team Quets has come up with some shirts and stickers to show support for Allison.

This case is finally getting national attention now that the Dr. Phil show aired. The show was pretty god all things considered.

He did go into great detail about her illness and how it was used against her. He did say she did not belong in jail. I never heard him refer to her as a birthmom. (could have missed it though) He was very kind to Allison. Plus the petition jumped considerably after the show so how can I not see it as a good thing?

I really do think the show was good but it makes me a little sad and frustrated. Part of me is screaming inside. If she had not had such a horrid illness would anyone care that this was done to her? What about the thousands of mothers that are treated like this every year? What about the agencies that are targeting scared pregnant women as we speak?

I have heard over and over that this case is rare in adoption. Let me clear that up real quick. The way Allison was treated is not rare. Look around at all the support groups and blogs for moms. The thing that is rare is that anyone is listening.

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April 12, 2007 at 9:08 pm (adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

If I let you, you would make me destroy myself

But in order to survive you, I must first survive myself.

I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you

There’s no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you.

 I’ve gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain

 I will use my mistakes against you.

There’s no other choice.

Nameless now. Nothing now. No one now.

But my soul must be iron cause my fear is naked

I’m naked and fearless.

from Bottom By Tool

Guess what? I found my anger again. Yippie. I am fully embracing it again. I think hearing this part of this song helped me find the rage I had lost. It instantly made me think of the agency that stole my baby (yep stole, I can say kidnapped if you prefer)

Since I don’t much care if I get in trouble I am just going to lay it out this time.

I will not allow you to make me destroy myself. I am done drinking the IAC poison. I am getting up off my knees. I will survive you! I will never forgive you! I will dedicate my life to closing you and anyone like you down. I will dedicate my life to protecting the scared pregnant women from predators like you. I will scream my story from the mountain tops. I will tell all that will listen. And you will have no one to blame but yourselves.

You molded me into this. I am dead inside so have nothing to left to lose. My soul is now cast in iron. My fear is naked. My rage is burning. My will is strong. I will erase you.

That is not entirely true because I am far from alone. We will erase you.

As a dear friend say “Mother’s Revolution”


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I want

April 12, 2007 at 8:39 pm (adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

I want it all to end. I just want it to stop. I want to wake up and not regret that God let me live through the night. I want to feel some kind of joy again. I want to be happy. I want to be normal.

But I will never be normal again. I will always be one of those women. I will always be a birthmom. Looked at with disdain. Whispered about. Hated for being stupid enough to trust people.

What did I do to deserve this? Was I a bad person? I know I got pregnant when I wasn’t married but why does that carry a life sentence?

I was just scared. All I wanted was information. I wanted options incase something bad happened. How was I to know the bad thing was asking for help? I was so sick. I just wanted help incase I died or was too sick to care for my baby. Why is that wrong? Why did that mean I was doomed to lose my only living daughter?

I guess I was pretty dumb. I thought the lady on the phone cared abvout me. I thought she understood what I wanted. I thought I could trust her. Dumb dumb dumb

She said I needed to have a family picked in case. I hear those words echoing in my head …in case….in case. That wasn’t what she meant at all. There never was an in case. There was a promise to them. My baby was gone already. I just didn’t know it yet.

My file at the hospital was marked adoption. They called them the moment I was admited. I was never asked. My baby was rushed from the room. I saw her for a second before she was gone. Of course that is second hand knowledge since my memory was erased by they huge amount of vicodine flowing into my IV.

How is it leagal to make a mother sign away her rights when she is on heavy narcotics? How is it ethical? How is it moral? How can you keep a child knowing that this is the way they were taken from a mother who very much wanted to parent? How can any of you live with yourselves?

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Adoptive Mother’s Day

April 11, 2007 at 4:53 am (adoption, adoption reform, Uncategorized)

I figure since we are dividing everything up its only fair that adoptive mother’s get their own day too.

Adoptive Mother’s Day will be celebrated the day after Mother’s day. Birthmother’s Day is already the day before so sorry bout that.

This day will be just for the adoptive mom’s. I will be making cards soon. Maybe even some shirts. I will come up with a lovely gift list so you can make sure to get the special adoptive mom in your life just the right thing.

Oh don’t forget this means she no longer gets to be honored on Mother’s Day. She now has her own day so why would she need to just be called a mother?

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April 11, 2007 at 4:40 am (adoption, first mother)

I feel horrible. I just can’t talk to S. I know it is straining out relationship but I can’t do it. I am terrified.

What if he says something that hurts. I know I will cry. I haven’t been able to cry for a very long time. If I cry it will be one of those hysterical sobbing crys. I won’t be able to stop. I will cry until I pass out from pure exhaustion.

I don’t want him to see me like that. I don’t want anyone to see me like that. I don’t want to be like that.

My whole life I have been the strong one. I took care of everyone else. I didn’t cry no matter what. I did not what had to be done no matter how much it hurt.

Adoption has destroyed me. I can’t do what has to be done. I can rarely get out of bed without a fight.

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Lies, lies, lies

April 11, 2007 at 4:40 am (adoption, first mother)

Here I go probably getting myself in trouble but what do I care….

 Open adoption is a loving and compassionate option for you. When you contact us you will find caring and helpful counselors who will provide you with all the information you need to make the best choice for you and your baby.

All of the information except the lifelong effects on othe the mother and the child. Thanks for the heads up about the PTSD, nevberending grief, higher rates of suicide, Oh and let’s not forget the secondary infertility.

You choose the amount of contact you would like with your baby.

When the hell did this happen? Last I checked open adoption was not legally enforcable. Not only that the adoptive parents call the shots. Damn I could have been running the show all along. Wow I must have dropped the ball on this one.

With open adoption your child will know you love them and you will know they are loved because you chose their adoptive parents.

Right up until they slam that open adoption shut in your face.
An open adoption is where there is full disclosure of identifying information between the adoptive parents and birthparents. This means that an adoptive parent will know your full name, your address as well as your medical history.

And here it is hidden behind several links. That is all open adoption is. The adoptive parents get your information. That;s it. You don’t get theirs unless they want you to. You don’t see the child unless they want you to. You don’t even get a single stinkin picture unless they want you to.

I was going to look at the birthfather page but it actually has no info on it besides a letter written by a happy bdaddy.

Professional counseling and support groups for birthparents during the open adoption process and after placement—including grief and loss counseling.
all I can do about this one is laugh, they only offer support groups for adoptive parents .

Ok I guess you can tell I hate these people. Hate is actually not a strong enough word. I am gonna go puke now

And now for my finally which will surly get me plenty of nasty comments….. I am offically starting Adoptive Mother’s Day in response to Birthmother’s Day. Fair is Fair!!! It will be celerated the day after Mother’s day. I will devote the next post to this exciting new holiday

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