And the Point Is?

April 2, 2007 at 8:34 pm (adoption, Uncategorized)

So what exactly is the point of all of this? I keep looking but I can’t see it. Is there actually a point to living like this? It sure doesn’t feel like there is any point right now.

I mean my daughter is gone. She isn’t coming back. We might reunite one day but it won’t be the same. She won’t be just my daughter and she won’t be my baby. Plus I am so broken she will probably be disappointed in me.

With my daughter I lost my last chance to raise a little girl. I lost all the pink clothes and dolls. I lost the heart to heart talks and boyfriend advice. I lost being able to pass on all that my grandmother taught me. I can never get any of that back. Its gone forever.

The knowledge of what I have lost is too much for me. It hurts more than I thought anything ever would. Every second of every day hurts so badly that I think I will die of it. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I can’t function. Its a living hell.

Yet everyone expects me to go on like nothing happened. For the most part I do. I pretend that I am ok. I pretend that I am alive behind my dead eyes. I paste on a fake smile and carry out my duties.

I must be pretty good at it because no one seems to notice. No one asks if I am all right. No one asks me if I need to talk. I laugh at all of the silly jokes that I don’t care about. I do everything at the appropriate time.

But inside I am screaming. I am begging for help. I am desperate for them to see me. I do little things to draw attention but it never seems to work. I have begun to think I am invisible.

I know I should just tell them I need help. I know I should stop pretending but I can’t. I try over and over but just end up pretending again. The pretending has become instinctive. I can’t seem to make myself stop.

Maybe they do see it and just don’t care. Maybe they ignore it in hopes that it will go away. Maybe their love isn’t as deep as I think.

Maybe they are just scared. Maybe they don’t know what to do. Maybe if they admit my agony they will have to admit their own. Maybe they are as paralyzed as me.

Or maybe the ends justify the means. Maybe it doesn’t matter to anyone what becomes of me as long as a happy perfect family was built.

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3 Comments

  1. mama2roo said,

    Even though it may ring hollow, I’m so truly sorry.

  2. asacrificiallamb said,

    ((((((Aislin))))))

    I cannot imagine how you must feel right now. I cannot imagine what my mother went through for so many years until she found me. And I needed her to find me. If she hadn’t, I would not be here now. So as a reunited daughter, I can tell you that you did not lose everything.

    You have not lost your chance for heart to heart talks and boyfriend advice or passing on all that your grandmother taught you or even pink clothes or dolls!

    After more than 40 years, my mother was able to pass these things on and share so much. So much that I needed and wanted.

    And I needed it ALL. I did.

    I don’t know what to tell you except that I needed my mother and, though the waiting was so hard, it was worth it. I am so happy that I found a warm, open, and loving mother.

    It matters to ME what becomes of you but mostly it matters to your daughter.

  3. momseekingpeace said,

    Oh my gosh, I read this and it takes me back, you have said all that I felt in those early years but held it all in until I started to thaw out when my son was 18. The only time I did was when I was in a bulimic treatment center and thay took away my coping mechanism (food and then throwing up) and all the feelings started to surface and I screamed when they tried to talk to me “ITS NOT FUCKING OK, ITS NEVER BEEN OK, EVERYONE WANTS IT TO BE OK AND ITS NOT, IT NEVER HAS BEEN” at the time I had no idea what I was talking about, after reunion it was so obvious.
    I wish I could say something to make it better for you, but I know that I cant, all I can say is that I am here for you and I am sorry you lost your daughter, truely sorry.
    MSP

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