April 11, 2007 at 4:40 am (adoption, first mother)

I feel horrible. I just can’t talk to S. I know it is straining out relationship but I can’t do it. I am terrified.

What if he says something that hurts. I know I will cry. I haven’t been able to cry for a very long time. If I cry it will be one of those hysterical sobbing crys. I won’t be able to stop. I will cry until I pass out from pure exhaustion.

I don’t want him to see me like that. I don’t want anyone to see me like that. I don’t want to be like that.

My whole life I have been the strong one. I took care of everyone else. I didn’t cry no matter what. I did not what had to be done no matter how much it hurt.

Adoption has destroyed me. I can’t do what has to be done. I can rarely get out of bed without a fight.

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