April 12, 2007 at 9:08 pm (adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

If I let you, you would make me destroy myself

But in order to survive you, I must first survive myself.

I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you

There’s no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you.

 I’ve gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain

 I will use my mistakes against you.

There’s no other choice.

Nameless now. Nothing now. No one now.

But my soul must be iron cause my fear is naked

I’m naked and fearless.

from Bottom By Tool

Guess what? I found my anger again. Yippie. I am fully embracing it again. I think hearing this part of this song helped me find the rage I had lost. It instantly made me think of the agency that stole my baby (yep stole, I can say kidnapped if you prefer)

Since I don’t much care if I get in trouble I am just going to lay it out this time.

I will not allow you to make me destroy myself. I am done drinking the IAC poison. I am getting up off my knees. I will survive you! I will never forgive you! I will dedicate my life to closing you and anyone like you down. I will dedicate my life to protecting the scared pregnant women from predators like you. I will scream my story from the mountain tops. I will tell all that will listen. And you will have no one to blame but yourselves.

You molded me into this. I am dead inside so have nothing to left to lose. My soul is now cast in iron. My fear is naked. My rage is burning. My will is strong. I will erase you.

That is not entirely true because I am far from alone. We will erase you.

As a dear friend say “Mother’s Revolution”

 

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