I want

April 12, 2007 at 8:39 pm (adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

I want it all to end. I just want it to stop. I want to wake up and not regret that God let me live through the night. I want to feel some kind of joy again. I want to be happy. I want to be normal.

But I will never be normal again. I will always be one of those women. I will always be a birthmom. Looked at with disdain. Whispered about. Hated for being stupid enough to trust people.

What did I do to deserve this? Was I a bad person? I know I got pregnant when I wasn’t married but why does that carry a life sentence?

I was just scared. All I wanted was information. I wanted options incase something bad happened. How was I to know the bad thing was asking for help? I was so sick. I just wanted help incase I died or was too sick to care for my baby. Why is that wrong? Why did that mean I was doomed to lose my only living daughter?

I guess I was pretty dumb. I thought the lady on the phone cared abvout me. I thought she understood what I wanted. I thought I could trust her. Dumb dumb dumb

She said I needed to have a family picked in case. I hear those words echoing in my head …in case….in case. That wasn’t what she meant at all. There never was an in case. There was a promise to them. My baby was gone already. I just didn’t know it yet.

My file at the hospital was marked adoption. They called them the moment I was admited. I was never asked. My baby was rushed from the room. I saw her for a second before she was gone. Of course that is second hand knowledge since my memory was erased by they huge amount of vicodine flowing into my IV.

How is it leagal to make a mother sign away her rights when she is on heavy narcotics? How is it ethical? How is it moral? How can you keep a child knowing that this is the way they were taken from a mother who very much wanted to parent? How can any of you live with yourselves?

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3 Comments

  1. HeatherRainbow said,

    OMG… I was right…. that is what happened to me too…. I always wondered how they knew about me… how they found me… now I know…

    That is probably how it happened to all of us. Just in case… I didn’t think I was going to die… but I wanted to know all my options. But they weren’t giving them to me. They only gave me one.

    Sign this… Sign this… Sign this…

  2. mom2one said,

    I’m so sorry for what happened to you. It’s not right. It shouldn’t be legal.

    There are so many first moms here online. I think you found paragraphein. Faux Claud (Musings of the Lame), Jenna (The Chronicles of Munchkin Land), Kim (Reunion Writings). They’re on my blogroll. I think that for all of them, hooking up with other firstmoms has been empowering.

    It’s so not right. Just not right . . .

  3. Margie said,

    I have to say: You were not a bad person, and you did nothing to deserve this. You are the victim of a system that is incredibly unethical. And there are many, many people here who are fighting it – some for years, others newcomers, but all working to make it stop.

    I applaud you for telling your truth here.

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