The big suprise

April 30, 2007 at 10:01 am (adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, Uncategorized)

I haven’t written in a bit. Mostly because I was trying to figure out my feelings on some things. I still haven’t figured it all out.

So to start at the begining, I have been really moody lately. Things have been getting to me more than usual. I have been feeling very mixed up about everything. Crying at the dumbest things.

After a week or two of the emotional swings I finally found out why. I am pregnant. Yep pregnant. I can almost hear the collective gasp.

I was so happy when I found out. Actually overjoyed. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. There is a little tiny baby that looks a lot like a lima bean in my tummy.

This is where it gets tricky. After about three days this fear washed over me. It was not the normal pregnancy fears. I wasn’t worried I would be a bad mom or that labor would hurt too much. It was a different fear. It was bone chilling fear.

The questions started circling in my mind. What if “they ” decided they wanted this baby too? What if some social worker showed up in my hospital room again? What if someone tries to get me to sign papers when I am still drugged again?

I started having strange dreams about the agency tracking me through my medical records. Coming to the hospital and taking my baby again.

I don’t know how to make this fear go away. Most of the time it doesn’t get to me but sometimes it is overwhelming.

I am really happy to be pregnant but I am scared to death someone will try to take this baby from me too.

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5 Comments

  1. Possum said,

    ((((((((((((((((aislin)))))))))))))))))
    How horrible – I’m not surprised you have such fears.
    I’m thinking of you. Please look after you.
    (I want to bundle you up and bring you to Aussie so noone can harm you!!!)
    Biggest hugs, Poss. xxx

  2. mom2one said,

    I don’t know all of your story, but obviously it was horrible.

    Is there anyone who can be with you, not just through the pregnancy, but in the hospital, as your advocate? Just as a safeguard.

    I’ll be thinking about you and praying for you. Take good care of you and let us know how things are going.

  3. mama2roo said,

    I’m so sorry you, or anyone, should ever have to feel that way. This time for you should be nothing but joy and expectation of wonderful things to come!

    Sending you and your little lima bean 🙂 wonderful wishes. Pull in your support system and use them for all they’re worth!

    Em

  4. HeatherRainbow said,

    (((Aislin)))

    This is the reason I believe I am not able to get pregnant again. You could consider getting a doula and a midwife…

  5. Leanna Burt said,

    You sound just like me sixteen years ago, that is how old my son is and I went through the exact same thing. Hugs going your way today. My daughter is 21 now and taken from me at the age of 15. Harrowing experience. Even though we are in reunion, we all (“birth”mothers) have these issues with bonding that we have to deal with. I was told to “not get attached” then when I have a baby that I CAN keep, I had trouble bonding with him. You are not alone at all in that aspect.

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