Part 4

May 30, 2007 at 4:16 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

I think I left off on part 3. That part really did about kill me. I have no idea why I am even trying to continue this.

I only met with a person for the agency one time. We met at a Taco Bell to discuss options. I don’t remember much of that meeting. I remember the lady saying I was outgoing at one point. I couldn’t figure out why she said that. I have been painfully shy my whole life. I was crying in the middle of the damn Taco Bell so how was that considered outgoing?

I sat in my car and cried for 45minutes before I could even drive home. Once home I curled up into a little ball in the middle of my bed and did not get up until the next day. I prayed that night like I have never prayed before. I begged God to help me. I begged to be able to keep my baby. I begged for help. I begged for the strength to tell everyone to go away and keep their hands off my baby. When I could no longer form the words to beg I said Hail Mary’s until I drifted into slumber.

The next day I continued my prayers and begging. I was a complete wreck. I don’t think I left my room except when it was absolutely necessary.

Then at 11pm it happened. My water broke. I imediately went into a full panic. Its too soon.(not medically) The baby can’t come now! Its not safe. I haven’t figured anything out. Please baby don’t come now. Stay inside where it is safe. Stay with me Please!!


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A Fond Farewell

May 16, 2007 at 10:01 am (adoption, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, Uncategorized)

I know this was short lived. I thought it was going to be some great release. It would heal me and maybe help someone else. I was wrong.

Its hardly suprizing that I was wrong. It seems like I am always wrong. I can honestly say that there was not one desicion i made in the last 2 years that was right. I just seem to dig the hole deeper and deeper.

Now I am in over my head. I can’t find a way out. I am in another situation that requires me to choose between the people I love and the things I need most in this world. In truth it is an easy decision. I will sacrifice myself again. The only thing is that I know I will not be coming back this time.Every fiber that is left of me will be sacrificed for those that I love. I will be erased. I will no longer exist.

This is not what I want. I want to live and be happy. I want things to be ok again. I just can’t see another way. I can’t find the light at the end of the tunnel.

For all my talk of being able to see the world blinder free little did I know my blinders were there all along. My blinders only prevent me from seeing the truth about myself. I am not the strong person I pretended to be. I am the one that is not making it. I was the one fading away the whole time.

Maybe some miricle will occur and this was all written for nothing. Maybe someone some where can save me. It doesn’t look hopefull right now but stranger things have happened. All I know is that after almost 2 years of being forced into this life I am no more capable of living it than I was the second they took my only little girl. I said I couldn’t do it when she was born. I wasn’t lieing.

And before people start freaking and calling all sorts of people, this is not a suicide thing. I have know from the first moment there was no easy out for me. I wish there was.

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Birthmother’s Day

May 12, 2007 at 7:51 am (adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, justice)

I wasn’t going to blog about this since it makes me want to puke. However, after reading a ton of sappy posts on the subject I feel the need.

For those that don’t know Birthmother’s day is celebrated the day before Mother’s Day. From what I have read it was started by first mothers.

I find this holiday utterly sickening. First mothers are mothers period. Why is it necessary to further separate them from their motherhood? Why can’t all mothers be celebrated on the same day?

I will not acknowledge this stupid insensitive day until adoptive mothers are forced to celebrate on a separate day. How would adoptive mothers feel if they were only to be honored on Adoptive Mother’s Day? I bet there would be hell to pay.

We could further seperate things and have Mother’s by C section day. Surogate’s Day. How about Donor Day? We could take the entire month of May and divide it up so each kind of mother has their own day. Or we could use our brains and honor ALL mothers on Mother’s Day.

If I receive any birthmother’s day cards (which I had better not) I will post the pictures of their burning next week

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May 10, 2007 at 12:48 am (Uncategorized)

It also helped us raise $10,000 towards our birthparent outreach, so we are now 1/5 of the way to our goal of $50,000. Thank you to everyone who donated. It was a wonderful response, and we are looking forward to the expansion of our outreach program to birthparents and adoption services providers.

What exactly is birthparent outreach??

development of more specifically targeted internet advertising; and a complete re-evaluation of where, why, and toward whom we are focusing our advertising and marketing dollars.

Ok I think I get it now. So here are some suggestions on how to use that money more wisely. How about you have some support groups for first parents instead of the ones currently available for just APs? How about you actually provide some of that life time professional counseling you advertise. I mean real counseling instead of the 10 minute long distance phone call.

Another novel idea, why don’t you put some of that money into a factual information package for parents considering adoption. That would be swell!

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Prey and Predator

May 8, 2007 at 8:26 pm (adopted, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, Uncategorized)

With an adoption I will be able to be there before and during the birth. Hopefully experience the doctor visits, feel the baby inside our birthmom moving around in her belly just like he or she would in my own belly, and be there through all the sweat and tears, pain and joy of the birth of our child.

I see so many many things wrong with this statement. Yet I see things like this all the time.

No woman is “your” birthmother! She is an expectant mother or a pregnant woman. She certainly is not YOURS!

No matter how much you pretend or wish you will not experience the pain and joy of childbirth. At most you will witness the pain of some other woman. You do not have a right to be in the room during birth. In fact in most countries it is illegal due to the coercive nature of PAPs being at the hospital.

No matter how many times you feel a baby move in its mother’s stomach it will not be in yours. This whole statement makes me think more of a stalker than a PAP. In the least it is delusional.

I could go into the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on of late, but I will just say that as I’ve walked this “paper pregnancy” with a girlfriend who gave birth to a second child yesterday morning, we’ve come to discover that each is equally harrowing and scary.

What in the world is a paper pregnancy? Sure it is a cutesy way to talk about your paperwork but it is not pregnancy. It never will be. It is no where close!

As we enter the fourth month of our adoption process, we’ve come to realize that this may be simply a difficult “pregnancy.” But we’re also hoping that the “second trimester” goes a little more smoothly.

Ummm no it is not like a difficult pregnancy. It is nothing like trimesters. Last I checked PAPs didn’t risk death at the end of their “journey” to parenthood. Yet again I have to say, you are NOT pregnant!

I’m ready to get started now. I look at our agency’s website at the prospective birth mothers and I think, “oh, we’ll take that one!” but we can’t activate yet and it’s so frustrating.

Wow! Is it as frustrating as being treated like a piece of meat? These are human beings! They are not some product to be picked out on a web site. You can’t just pick one off the shelf to birth your baby. That would be slavery. Why am I reminded of the Hainmadien’s Tale?

By the way any negative comments about how she was his mother and I never was are completely unwelcome. She had said her goodbyes to him a long time ago when she decided with all certainty to give him up to us and she always referred to him as our son. We grew to love this little boy over the past several months as though he were in my own womb.

Well he wasn’t in your womb. Failed matches hurt. I know they do but he was never in your womb or conceived in your heart. She is his mother. I am sorry you were hurt but that is the plain simple truth. Pre birth surrenders are illegal for a reason. You can not make a promise to place before birth. If you were not made very aware of this the you should be mad at your agency instead of laying claim to a child that was never yours.

And you really wonder why natural parents are angry. Could it be because we are treated as less than human? We are just the means to an end. We are called “your birthmother” while pregnant like we are owned. You can’t even be a birthmother until the TPR is final.I won’t even get into how offensive that word is in itself.

Not only that but we have to hear our children talked about like they are some cute little product. People pretend our children are in their wombs. They pretend to go through the labor we feel. I have even heard of PAPs parking in the expectant parent parking spots. It reeks of entitlement and delusional thinking

*disclaimer: I am in no way saying all APs are like this but the ones that are really make me want to scream*

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Part 3

May 6, 2007 at 10:56 am (adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, help, justice)

Ok the first 2 parts didn’t kill me so I am trying for part 3 tonight.

Now I am grieving the child I lost. This has brought back all the feelings of losing my first daughter to miscarriage in 96. I grieve hard. I miss them both so much. I want to be happy about the child I am still pregnant with but I can’t seem to do it. I am scared to love that baby because I can not deal with another death.Yet I realize I do love that child with all of my being.

I am now 6 months pregnant. It feels like I should be 1 month but I am 6. My mind can not wrap itself around that. It seems unreal. Like a dream. It feels like a false hope.

I change doctors. I do not want to be at the place that I went to before R died. I can’t go there. So I settle for the hospital’s OB clinic. Not the best place but good for high risk. Even though I was not deemed high risk I felt like I was. If one twin died what were the chances the second would follow? I was terrified.

I tell S about the babies. He freaks. He reminds me that he does not want a baby. We can not afford a baby.  We have to figure out something to do. I cry. He cries.

I went to the doctor the next day. I was obviously upset. This is where I make my first mistake. I tell the doctor everything when she asks what is wrong. I tell her of the money issues. I tell her that S doesn’t want a baby. I tell her all my fears. I tell her that I am scared I won’t be able to take care of a baby because of how sick I am.( I have now lost 20lbs since getting pregnant) She puts me on phenergan and sends me to the pregnancy councillor.

The office is nice. Painted a light blue color. I sit across from the woman at the desk. I tell her my fears. Mistake number two. She quickly hands me a huge pile of adoption information. I told her I didn’t think I could do that. She smiles and tells me I am strong enough to do the best thing for my child. I go home and cry myself to sleep.

Enter mistake 3. I show S all the adoption stuff. He thinks it is the perfect solution. I am crushed. We talked for a long time about why I didn’t think I could and all the reasons I should. He says the same things as the doctor and the stupid councillor lady. Then he says the thing that seals my fate. What will my parents think when they find out I have concealed another pregnancy. ( I never told them about my son. I wasn’t living with them so I just didn’t bother)

I feel like a caged animal. All of these people tell me that it is the best. It is best for all of my children. I would be selfish to keep this baby and it would harm all of them. If I love the baby and my other children this is what I will do. I hear this at every doctors appointment. From beginning to end it is all I hear.

After a month of this I call the agency in the phonebook in utter defeat. The ad says they deal in open adoptions. I would be able to see my child and be part of her life. Mistake number 4. I ask for information to be sent to my house.

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Another Sad Story

May 4, 2007 at 12:46 pm (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, help, justice, law, Uncategorized)

Please read this story. If you can help this mom please do

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Part 2

May 3, 2007 at 10:51 am (adopted, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, justice, Uncategorized)

I was devastated. It was an unplanned pregnancy. I hadn’t told anyone. I was terrified. I had no clue what I was going to do. Yet I loved that baby more than life itself. She was my daughter. My little girl and she was gone.

I was an emotional wreck for weeks. The bleeding stopped in a day which should have struck me as odd but I was just relieved. I cried in the morning. I cried during the day and I cried myself to sleep. In all of the pain I failed to notice that my pregnancy symptoms were not getting any better.

I was still sick all the time. Still having problems keeping food down. I figured it was due to hormones and the stress.

A month later I was yet again in the ER for severe dehydration. They asked if I could be pregnant and I broke down crying. I told them of the miscarriage. They decided to do a pregnancy test just in case. I told them it was cruel but reluctantly went to the bathroom with their stupid little cup.

I will never forget what they said when they came back in my room. My test was positive. They said that maybe it wasn’t a complete miscarriage and my body still thought it was pregnant. If anything was left inside then it could have gotten infected and be causing all the illness. It was time for an ultrasound to see if there was an infection or tissue left behind.

I couldn’t look at the screen when they preformed the ultrasound. I didn’t want to see any left behind tissue. I didn’t want to think of my dead baby anymore. I didn’t want to see her too small body in my mind again.

Then I heard something I never expected. There was something left behind. Her twin. I had lost one of a set of fraternal twins. The second baby looked healthy. The heartbeat was good. They couldn’t tell if it was a girl or boy. I assured them I didn’t care anyway. I begged them to make sure the baby was healthy.

It didn’t seem real. How does that even happen? Why didn’t they catch that when I miscarried? How could they miss a second baby? They said there was no heartbeat! Where was the second babies heartbeat when I was in the hospital last time? ( I was later told that the first baby had blocked the second and hidden its heartbeat)

I didn’t know what to think. I was still mourning my daughter and now I had all the worries again.

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My Story (part 1)

May 3, 2007 at 4:49 am (adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, justice, Uncategorized)

I said I was going to write it all out and I am. I am sure this will take a lot of posts. I am going to write as much as I can before I freak. I will pick up where ever I left off in another post. I am sorry that I can’t just do it all at once.

I guess the best place to start is at the very begining. When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked to say the least. I was told a year before that I could no longer have children. It took a long time but I was finally at peace with being infertile. It never occured to me to get a second opinion. I just accepted what the doctors told me.

I was terrified. I knew S didn’t want any more children. I knew I didn’t have much money. I knew my family would be quick to tell me what a screw up I am and how they knew I would “do it” again. I already had children here to think of. I knew this was going to be hard on all of us. And is S left could I really do this alone again?

I thought about abortion for all of five minutes. I knew I couldn’t do that. Like it or not I loved this baby the instant I knew she existed. I couldn’t have an abortion so now I had to figure out what to do.

I started getting very sick. I could rarely keep food down for over an hour. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed. I had headaches like I have never had before. I started lossing weight. I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant yet. I went to the ER 4 times for dehydration. (the ER did know I was pregnant just not family)

At 5 months I started having horrible cramps in the middle of the night. By morning I was sure something was wrong. I got the boys off to school and got ready to go back to the ER since the doctors wasn’t open yet. By the time I was ready to leave I had started bleeding. Having had a miscarriage before I knew what was happening. I knew there wasn’t much hope. I drove myself to the ER.

They couldn’t find a  heartbeat. They were very sorry but there wasn’t much to do. I don’t know how long I was there. When I left it was over. I had miscarried. It was a girl.

No one knew why I was so upset. What was the point in telling anyone now. The baby was gone. She was with her older sister. I cried constantly and my family and friends had no clue why.

Ok I am sorry but I have to break here.

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Medical Bills??

May 1, 2007 at 9:13 am (Uncategorized)

I have heard this a lot recently. I swear I thought I was the only one. After a recent comment on my blog and some real life situations, I have to ask. How many moms were left with all the medical bills?

Is this a new trend? In my case I had to raise hell to get the medical bills paid after my daughter was taken. It took three months and my credit is now shot from it. Its not that I would have been upset paying my child’s medical bills. The point was that they needed to give her back. I would have gladly paid every last penny if I could have just had her. To be clear this was not the bill from labor and delivery. I paid that myself. It was bills after tehy had stolen her from me and refused to let me see her.

I have a dear friend that is fighting over this same thing now. The bills have already been refered to a collection agency so her credit is shot also. The reason for refusing to pay the bills in her case is nothing more than blackmail and punishment. She had the nerve to talk to the child’s father when they didn’t want her to. So now she is screwed yet again.

Now there is a heartbreaking comment on my blog from another mom. Her story is shockingly similar to my won ( I know I need to write that out for you all) She fights to get her baby returned and is left with medical bills and empty arms. Her fight isn’t over so pray she wins and fills those arms with her precious child.

So this is what I want to know. How many of use have they done this to? If you dealt with this please leave me a comment or email me(I think my email is on here)

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