Part 2

May 3, 2007 at 10:51 am (adopted, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, justice, Uncategorized)

I was devastated. It was an unplanned pregnancy. I hadn’t told anyone. I was terrified. I had no clue what I was going to do. Yet I loved that baby more than life itself. She was my daughter. My little girl and she was gone.

I was an emotional wreck for weeks. The bleeding stopped in a day which should have struck me as odd but I was just relieved. I cried in the morning. I cried during the day and I cried myself to sleep. In all of the pain I failed to notice that my pregnancy symptoms were not getting any better.

I was still sick all the time. Still having problems keeping food down. I figured it was due to hormones and the stress.

A month later I was yet again in the ER for severe dehydration. They asked if I could be pregnant and I broke down crying. I told them of the miscarriage. They decided to do a pregnancy test just in case. I told them it was cruel but reluctantly went to the bathroom with their stupid little cup.

I will never forget what they said when they came back in my room. My test was positive. They said that maybe it wasn’t a complete miscarriage and my body still thought it was pregnant. If anything was left inside then it could have gotten infected and be causing all the illness. It was time for an ultrasound to see if there was an infection or tissue left behind.

I couldn’t look at the screen when they preformed the ultrasound. I didn’t want to see any left behind tissue. I didn’t want to think of my dead baby anymore. I didn’t want to see her too small body in my mind again.

Then I heard something I never expected. There was something left behind. Her twin. I had lost one of a set of fraternal twins. The second baby looked healthy. The heartbeat was good. They couldn’t tell if it was a girl or boy. I assured them I didn’t care anyway. I begged them to make sure the baby was healthy.

It didn’t seem real. How does that even happen? Why didn’t they catch that when I miscarried? How could they miss a second baby? They said there was no heartbeat! Where was the second babies heartbeat when I was in the hospital last time? ( I was later told that the first baby had blocked the second and hidden its heartbeat)

I didn’t know what to think. I was still mourning my daughter and now I had all the worries again.

Permalink 2 Comments

My Story (part 1)

May 3, 2007 at 4:49 am (adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, justice, Uncategorized)

I said I was going to write it all out and I am. I am sure this will take a lot of posts. I am going to write as much as I can before I freak. I will pick up where ever I left off in another post. I am sorry that I can’t just do it all at once.

I guess the best place to start is at the very begining. When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked to say the least. I was told a year before that I could no longer have children. It took a long time but I was finally at peace with being infertile. It never occured to me to get a second opinion. I just accepted what the doctors told me.

I was terrified. I knew S didn’t want any more children. I knew I didn’t have much money. I knew my family would be quick to tell me what a screw up I am and how they knew I would “do it” again. I already had children here to think of. I knew this was going to be hard on all of us. And is S left could I really do this alone again?

I thought about abortion for all of five minutes. I knew I couldn’t do that. Like it or not I loved this baby the instant I knew she existed. I couldn’t have an abortion so now I had to figure out what to do.

I started getting very sick. I could rarely keep food down for over an hour. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed. I had headaches like I have never had before. I started lossing weight. I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant yet. I went to the ER 4 times for dehydration. (the ER did know I was pregnant just not family)

At 5 months I started having horrible cramps in the middle of the night. By morning I was sure something was wrong. I got the boys off to school and got ready to go back to the ER since the doctors wasn’t open yet. By the time I was ready to leave I had started bleeding. Having had a miscarriage before I knew what was happening. I knew there wasn’t much hope. I drove myself to the ER.

They couldn’t find a  heartbeat. They were very sorry but there wasn’t much to do. I don’t know how long I was there. When I left it was over. I had miscarried. It was a girl.

No one knew why I was so upset. What was the point in telling anyone now. The baby was gone. She was with her older sister. I cried constantly and my family and friends had no clue why.

Ok I am sorry but I have to break here.

Permalink Leave a Comment