My Story (part 1)

May 3, 2007 at 4:49 am (adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, justice, Uncategorized)

I said I was going to write it all out and I am. I am sure this will take a lot of posts. I am going to write as much as I can before I freak. I will pick up where ever I left off in another post. I am sorry that I can’t just do it all at once.

I guess the best place to start is at the very begining. When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked to say the least. I was told a year before that I could no longer have children. It took a long time but I was finally at peace with being infertile. It never occured to me to get a second opinion. I just accepted what the doctors told me.

I was terrified. I knew S didn’t want any more children. I knew I didn’t have much money. I knew my family would be quick to tell me what a screw up I am and how they knew I would “do it” again. I already had children here to think of. I knew this was going to be hard on all of us. And is S left could I really do this alone again?

I thought about abortion for all of five minutes. I knew I couldn’t do that. Like it or not I loved this baby the instant I knew she existed. I couldn’t have an abortion so now I had to figure out what to do.

I started getting very sick. I could rarely keep food down for over an hour. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed. I had headaches like I have never had before. I started lossing weight. I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant yet. I went to the ER 4 times for dehydration. (the ER did know I was pregnant just not family)

At 5 months I started having horrible cramps in the middle of the night. By morning I was sure something was wrong. I got the boys off to school and got ready to go back to the ER since the doctors wasn’t open yet. By the time I was ready to leave I had started bleeding. Having had a miscarriage before I knew what was happening. I knew there wasn’t much hope. I drove myself to the ER.

They couldn’t find a  heartbeat. They were very sorry but there wasn’t much to do. I don’t know how long I was there. When I left it was over. I had miscarried. It was a girl.

No one knew why I was so upset. What was the point in telling anyone now. The baby was gone. She was with her older sister. I cried constantly and my family and friends had no clue why.

Ok I am sorry but I have to break here.

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