Part 3

May 6, 2007 at 10:56 am (adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, help, justice)

Ok the first 2 parts didn’t kill me so I am trying for part 3 tonight.

Now I am grieving the child I lost. This has brought back all the feelings of losing my first daughter to miscarriage in 96. I grieve hard. I miss them both so much. I want to be happy about the child I am still pregnant with but I can’t seem to do it. I am scared to love that baby because I can not deal with another death.Yet I realize I do love that child with all of my being.

I am now 6 months pregnant. It feels like I should be 1 month but I am 6. My mind can not wrap itself around that. It seems unreal. Like a dream. It feels like a false hope.

I change doctors. I do not want to be at the place that I went to before R died. I can’t go there. So I settle for the hospital’s OB clinic. Not the best place but good for high risk. Even though I was not deemed high risk I felt like I was. If one twin died what were the chances the second would follow? I was terrified.

I tell S about the babies. He freaks. He reminds me that he does not want a baby. We can not afford a baby.  We have to figure out something to do. I cry. He cries.

I went to the doctor the next day. I was obviously upset. This is where I make my first mistake. I tell the doctor everything when she asks what is wrong. I tell her of the money issues. I tell her that S doesn’t want a baby. I tell her all my fears. I tell her that I am scared I won’t be able to take care of a baby because of how sick I am.( I have now lost 20lbs since getting pregnant) She puts me on phenergan and sends me to the pregnancy councillor.

The office is nice. Painted a light blue color. I sit across from the woman at the desk. I tell her my fears. Mistake number two. She quickly hands me a huge pile of adoption information. I told her I didn’t think I could do that. She smiles and tells me I am strong enough to do the best thing for my child. I go home and cry myself to sleep.

Enter mistake 3. I show S all the adoption stuff. He thinks it is the perfect solution. I am crushed. We talked for a long time about why I didn’t think I could and all the reasons I should. He says the same things as the doctor and the stupid councillor lady. Then he says the thing that seals my fate. What will my parents think when they find out I have concealed another pregnancy. ( I never told them about my son. I wasn’t living with them so I just didn’t bother)

I feel like a caged animal. All of these people tell me that it is the best. It is best for all of my children. I would be selfish to keep this baby and it would harm all of them. If I love the baby and my other children this is what I will do. I hear this at every doctors appointment. From beginning to end it is all I hear.

After a month of this I call the agency in the phonebook in utter defeat. The ad says they deal in open adoptions. I would be able to see my child and be part of her life. Mistake number 4. I ask for information to be sent to my house.

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