Prey and Predator

May 8, 2007 at 8:26 pm (adopted, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, Uncategorized)

With an adoption I will be able to be there before and during the birth. Hopefully experience the doctor visits, feel the baby inside our birthmom moving around in her belly just like he or she would in my own belly, and be there through all the sweat and tears, pain and joy of the birth of our child.

I see so many many things wrong with this statement. Yet I see things like this all the time.

No woman is “your” birthmother! She is an expectant mother or a pregnant woman. She certainly is not YOURS!

No matter how much you pretend or wish you will not experience the pain and joy of childbirth. At most you will witness the pain of some other woman. You do not have a right to be in the room during birth. In fact in most countries it is illegal due to the coercive nature of PAPs being at the hospital.

No matter how many times you feel a baby move in its mother’s stomach it will not be in yours. This whole statement makes me think more of a stalker than a PAP. In the least it is delusional.

I could go into the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on of late, but I will just say that as I’ve walked this “paper pregnancy” with a girlfriend who gave birth to a second child yesterday morning, we’ve come to discover that each is equally harrowing and scary.

What in the world is a paper pregnancy? Sure it is a cutesy way to talk about your paperwork but it is not pregnancy. It never will be. It is no where close!

As we enter the fourth month of our adoption process, we’ve come to realize that this may be simply a difficult “pregnancy.” But we’re also hoping that the “second trimester” goes a little more smoothly.

Ummm no it is not like a difficult pregnancy. It is nothing like trimesters. Last I checked PAPs didn’t risk death at the end of their “journey” to parenthood. Yet again I have to say, you are NOT pregnant!

I’m ready to get started now. I look at our agency’s website at the prospective birth mothers and I think, “oh, we’ll take that one!” but we can’t activate yet and it’s so frustrating.

Wow! Is it as frustrating as being treated like a piece of meat? These are human beings! They are not some product to be picked out on a web site. You can’t just pick one off the shelf to birth your baby. That would be slavery. Why am I reminded of the Hainmadien’s Tale?

By the way any negative comments about how she was his mother and I never was are completely unwelcome. She had said her goodbyes to him a long time ago when she decided with all certainty to give him up to us and she always referred to him as our son. We grew to love this little boy over the past several months as though he were in my own womb.

Well he wasn’t in your womb. Failed matches hurt. I know they do but he was never in your womb or conceived in your heart. She is his mother. I am sorry you were hurt but that is the plain simple truth. Pre birth surrenders are illegal for a reason. You can not make a promise to place before birth. If you were not made very aware of this the you should be mad at your agency instead of laying claim to a child that was never yours.

And you really wonder why natural parents are angry. Could it be because we are treated as less than human? We are just the means to an end. We are called “your birthmother” while pregnant like we are owned. You can’t even be a birthmother until the TPR is final.I won’t even get into how offensive that word is in itself.

Not only that but we have to hear our children talked about like they are some cute little product. People pretend our children are in their wombs. They pretend to go through the labor we feel. I have even heard of PAPs parking in the expectant parent parking spots. It reeks of entitlement and delusional thinking

*disclaimer: I am in no way saying all APs are like this but the ones that are really make me want to scream*



  1. justenjoyhim said,

    Ooooo, those comments by that PAP (I assume they’re all from the same person) made my skin crawl. Yuck.

    I can see why they make you angry and feel like a piece of meat, and I’m not even in your shoes. It would be so much worse for you.

    “I think, “oh, we’ll take that one!” ”

    WHAT?! Holy crap, these women aren’t puppies!

    I am nearly speechless, honestly. It makes me sick. It honestly makes me sick.

  2. aislin13 said,

    Each quote was from a different person. I think I might have felt better if it was just one person. It does make my stomach turn. At least I am not having the panic attacks from this crap anymore. The hard thing is that it is every where. On tv, in magazines, the radio. There really is no escape from it.

  3. Michelle said,

    All of that seems kinda creepy.

    When we adopted, I knew we couldn’t handle the domestic newborn process because it seemed so full of strange things like this. Not to mention full of heartbreak for some PAP – completely within a mother’s right but still heartbreaking.

    I also knew it wasn’t in my nature to have to be someone else to have someone place their child with me. We are quirky people and we like that. I had this vision of some agency trying to package us and make us say things to women that weren’t what we really felt (does that make sense?)

    We adopted from foster care and I feel good about our adoption process. Our daughter had a TPR (a voluntary one) before she was even placed with us so we weren’t involved in that process. Our adoption has become open through all of ours hardwork.

    My daughter is my daughter, no matter if she came from my womb or not. But I never ever pretend that she came from my body. I never pretend she doesn’t have another mother. Just like a mom doesn’t divide her love with more than one child, a child doesn’t have to divide their love among mothers. We are both her mothers, I just happen to be the one who is parenting her.

  4. aislin13 said,

    Just like a mom doesn’t divide her love with more than one child, a child doesn’t have to divide their love among mothers. We are both her mothers,
    That is it right there. Your daughter will never have to feel that pull between her two mothers. APs like you give me some hope. Sadly, you seem to be rare. I am always overjoyed to meet them.

  5. mariah said,

    Those comments make me want to wretch! It reminds me of the children’s song, “How much is that Doggie in the window?” Blechh!

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