A Fond Farewell

May 16, 2007 at 10:01 am (adoption, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, Uncategorized)

I know this was short lived. I thought it was going to be some great release. It would heal me and maybe help someone else. I was wrong.

Its hardly suprizing that I was wrong. It seems like I am always wrong. I can honestly say that there was not one desicion i made in the last 2 years that was right. I just seem to dig the hole deeper and deeper.

Now I am in over my head. I can’t find a way out. I am in another situation that requires me to choose between the people I love and the things I need most in this world. In truth it is an easy decision. I will sacrifice myself again. The only thing is that I know I will not be coming back this time.Every fiber that is left of me will be sacrificed for those that I love. I will be erased. I will no longer exist.

This is not what I want. I want to live and be happy. I want things to be ok again. I just can’t see another way. I can’t find the light at the end of the tunnel.

For all my talk of being able to see the world blinder free little did I know my blinders were there all along. My blinders only prevent me from seeing the truth about myself. I am not the strong person I pretended to be. I am the one that is not making it. I was the one fading away the whole time.

Maybe some miricle will occur and this was all written for nothing. Maybe someone some where can save me. It doesn’t look hopefull right now but stranger things have happened. All I know is that after almost 2 years of being forced into this life I am no more capable of living it than I was the second they took my only little girl. I said I couldn’t do it when she was born. I wasn’t lieing.

And before people start freaking and calling all sorts of people, this is not a suicide thing. I have know from the first moment there was no easy out for me. I wish there was.

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