Part 4

May 30, 2007 at 4:16 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

I think I left off on part 3. That part really did about kill me. I have no idea why I am even trying to continue this.

I only met with a person for the agency one time. We met at a Taco Bell to discuss options. I don’t remember much of that meeting. I remember the lady saying I was outgoing at one point. I couldn’t figure out why she said that. I have been painfully shy my whole life. I was crying in the middle of the damn Taco Bell so how was that considered outgoing?

I sat in my car and cried for 45minutes before I could even drive home. Once home I curled up into a little ball in the middle of my bed and did not get up until the next day. I prayed that night like I have never prayed before. I begged God to help me. I begged to be able to keep my baby. I begged for help. I begged for the strength to tell everyone to go away and keep their hands off my baby. When I could no longer form the words to beg I said Hail Mary’s until I drifted into slumber.

The next day I continued my prayers and begging. I was a complete wreck. I don’t think I left my room except when it was absolutely necessary.

Then at 11pm it happened. My water broke. I imediately went into a full panic. Its too soon.(not medically) The baby can’t come now! Its not safe. I haven’t figured anything out. Please baby don’t come now. Stay inside where it is safe. Stay with me Please!!

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