Adopters vs Adoptive parents

June 14, 2007 at 12:43 am (adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, first mother, Uncategorized)

I haven’t posted much lately because, quite frankly. the online adoption community has been making me sick. Its probably my fault. I know these people are out there. I should prepare myself better. I should be stronger but I’m just not. I read certain things and they are like a knife in my heart. It gets to be too much so I just stay away. I mean really, how many times can I be expected to read the same line of crap about how horrible, selfish and unfit first moms are?

So I figured something out while I was away. There are two distinct groups of people that adopt. There are adopters and adoptive parents. These two groups are like night and day. one group I find myself respecting and the other I loath.

I most commonly come in contact with adopters. (sucks for me) Adopters piss me off more than anything in this world. (well maybe not adoption professionals) They say things like “you were put in the wrong tummy”. Lovely things like “Our daughter’s birth parents had no business raising our daughter”.  They refer to first mothers as incubators. Since I am not adopted I won’t go into what this does to the poor children they have adopted. I am sure I can’t do it justice. I will let that part wait for someone else to write. Needless to say I hate hate hate adopters!

When I first started reaching out online I thought everyone that adopted was an adopter. I saw them all as my enemy. I hated them all. Then something strange happened. People that I thought were my enemy started reaching out to me. I was confused. How could they say that what happened to me was so wrong when they had an adopted child? I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I know now it was just my pain speaking. Thanks to the wonderful people that commented here and spoke to me on forums I know know adoptive parents exist.

Adoptive parents are the complete opposite of adopters. They believe in ethical adoption practices. They respect their child’s first family. They are kind and have big hearts. A perfect example of this can be found here

There But For The Grace Of God « Just Enjoy Him: Ramblings of a Mid-Life Mom. I suggest you go read it. People like this do my heart good. They give me some hope. They are Adoptive Parents.



  1. justenjoyhim said,

    Oh crap, now you’ve got me all choked up. I really needed this today, Aislin. Thank you so much. Just when I was thinking that everyone else in adoptionland hated all adoptive parents and I was feeling like the crud on the bottom of someone’s shoe ~ now, not so much 🙂 .

    *hugs* to you, my friend. I wish you well. *sniff*

  2. mariah said,

    Thank you for this post. It means a lot.

  3. tld2cool said,

    It’s great that one person said those things. I only wish that it was the majority that adopt (steal) would respect first parents. In my experence most are “adopters”. And that is where the real sadness lays.

  4. aislin13 said,

    I sadly agree sweetpea. From my real life experience I would say about 99% are adopters. Plain simple ugly adopters. Its very rare when someone falls into that 1% that I can actually respect. I keep hoping that the 1% will find a way to bottle it and we can infect the rest with hearts

  5. fawn said,

    Yes, there are good adoptive parents….and bad ones. What’s been tough for me is that I feel the pain of adoptees and firstparents and I wish I could reach out and help take away their pain……but I’ve been bitten too many times. The nice aparents end up running away.

  6. Katy said,

    I just read through your blog and I’m crying for you. I think the whole world needs an education about the realities of adoption. I think that when families push and push for someone to surrender their child, they do so thinking that it will be this beautiful happy ending for all. This is how adoption is portrayed everywhere you look. I hope that if your family realized what it would do to you, they would hve backed off. How about the OB. Wow, they should really, really read some of these blogs before sending someone down the path you were sent. I am so sorry for all your pain and loss.

  7. erinthebeekeeper said,

    I’m sorry that there are so many adoptors out there, and you are right there are a bunch of them. It makes me so angry when I see people adopting a baby who don’t seem to have a heart for their children’s first families.
    Judy is a good egg, perhaps one of the best

  8. Just When I Need A Boost « Just Enjoy Him: Ramblings of a Mid-Life Mom said,

    […] words of many; one of the most touching moments for me was when Aislin13 wrote her wonderful post Adopters Vs. Adoptive Parents and then said in a comment to me that when people write about Adopters to always remember that […]

  9. lhjh4 said,

    So true Aislin. I just wish that there were more adoptive parents out there. I have been lucky in that Supergirls parents fall into the 1% even with our problems. I know too many women who have adopters raising their children.

  10. Margie said,

    When an adoptive parent disrespects their child’s first parents, they disrespect their child. And rather than having the desired effect – to drive the child away from his or her first family – I believe it has the opposite.

    Thank you very much for this incredibly generous post.

  11. Michelle said,

    I’m really happy to see this post.

    Not to stick up for adopters but I think part of the issue is that the agencies aren’t offering the prospective parents any educational support about adoption. Of course rational people can do that for themselves but how nice would it be for a real licensed social worker who has worked with open adoptions to come in and talk to couples who are considering adopting?

    We adopted through foster care and had to get licensed by the state as foster parents. Our daughter came to us with a TPR so we didn’t need to use our license but it was SUCH a great education. Over 30 classroom hours on adoption, abuse, neglect, families, parenting and examining yourself. In our class there was one guy who was such an ass and we ALL told our own social workers that someone needed to lose that file permanently and never give him a child.

    Our agency does an awesome job with continuing ed classes for people to maintain their license and one of them is about maintaining sibling and family relationships. The focus on sibling is different since this is foster care but the overall idea is that any contact with healthy members of a birth family who can respect boundaries is a great thing (and by boundaries they mean like taking it slowly for the child, not overwhelming them, not showing up at their house unexpectedly for the first time or discussing adult topics, etc).

    We learned so much about grief and loss for adopted children. Some of the exercises we did completely had me broken down sobbing and I knew them we had to keep what connects we could open for her. We learned about the development cycle for them and we went into our adoption with open eyes and a firm footing.

    And our agency even offered free counseling to all families, run by a licensed social worker and therapist who had worked extensively in open adoptions. She even offered to be our middleman for the first rounds of opening up the adoption. She walked us through it early on until we could handle it ourselves. She is still once of the most amazing people I know.

    They do infant newborn too at this agency but don’t require people take the classes but I think you’d be a fool not to learn as much as you can.

    I know all this stuff is here at our agency b/c of the connection to foster care but perhaps the educational process should be part
    of it for everyone who wants to adopt. And that counseling extended to birth parents too. I know neither is cost efficient but we all know how much money is floating around in this industry, through back channels, some evil lawyers and other people who operation based on profit, not welfare.

  12. Shannon said,

    I completely agree with you. I found your site because you linked to my brothers 🙂 He is Cody ODea. I was completely shocked as well when adoptive parents and first mom’s were the ones that were so supportive of his cause. Thank you all!!

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