August 19, 2007 at 7:18 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, help)

That seems to be the phrase that runs through my head the most these days. WTF am I supposed to do? WTF do these people want from me? WTF is happening to me. WTF is the point of all of this. WTF  did I do to deserve this? WTF WTF WTF

If there is a limit to what the human mind can take I think I have hit it. I mean really, how much is too much? Is there a point beyond which we can not come back? I feel like there is. I think I passed it awhile ago. I am not one of those strong women that survives in the face of adversity. I am not couragous. I am not going to be ok and I wish people would just get the hell over that idea. It will never be ok. I am not doing so much better. I will never be remotely ok again. I just hide the pain very well now because I know what reaction I get if I don’t.

There is only one thing in the world that will make me better and we all know that isn’t happening. So please for the love of everything you hold sacred, if you are the very one keeping that from me don’t tell me you are thinking about me. I don’t care if you think of me. I don’t care what you hope for me. I don’t give a damn if you worry about me. You are my problem. You are with holding the very thing I need to survive so your words are hollow. They are meaningless and all they do is make me cry more because they remind me of how cruel this world is.

And for all of you lovely commenters I have been getting lately, go ahead and kick me while I’m down. Call me bitter, angry, crazy, a B****. I don’t care anymore. You can not possiblly hurt me anymore than I am already hurt. So if it makes you feel better have at it.


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Danny Again

August 8, 2007 at 1:13 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, help, Jamie Kiefer, justice, law)

I want to talk about some things said on comments by Danny’s family over on I don’t want to completely take over Kel’s blog so I will actually use my own for once.                                                                                                                                  I too have a brother. I am extremely loyal to him. I truly understand the loyalty you show your brother. I can not honestly say that I would not be online defending my brother the same way you are. Loyalty to family is a very good and noble thing. I understand that Jimmy is not a very nice person. I feel safe in assuming that with what he is in jail for. I also understand why your loyalty does not extend to Jimmy at this point. Sometimes people cross a line that we can not forgive. Once the line is crossed it can never be the same. Its sad but it happens. 

The thing I am failing to see is what Cali did to lose the family loyalty. I know her conception was a painful event for all involved but she didn’t do it. She is the only totally innocent person involved in this whole mess. Yet she is the one being thrown to the wolves with little regard. I know you are not very educated on adoption issues. You probably believe she will be just fine with love from anyone. She won’t miss her family because she is so young she won’t know the difference. I am sorry to inform you that infants do know the difference. I really wish you would read the words of people that were adopted. There are many blogs and forums online that will give you some insight. If you need some links email me or Kel. I would be more than happy to send you as many as you need.

 I beg of you to show the same loyalty to Cali you show to Danny. Please before its too late fight for this innocent little girl. Keep her in the family somehow. Love her for who she is not how she was conceived. She is your family. Don’t be blinded to that until its too late. She needs all of you. She needs her family.

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Hide your Pregnant Stomach

August 2, 2007 at 2:38 am (first mother, help, justice, Uncategorized)

It is a scary scary world for pregnant women. Hide those buldging bellies girls. They are a huge bullseye. They make you a target for numerous crimes. Personally I will be staying in for the duration of my pregnancy. Not that it will protect me that much. At least I will feel safer until hospital time. What is the world coming to when pregnancy equals potential vicitm?  



Teens Allegedly Kidnap Pregnant Woman

Girls Planned to Take Her Baby, Authorities Say


Posted: 2007-08-01 12:10:54

Filed Under: Crime News, Nation News

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (Aug. 1) – Two teenagers kidnapped a pregnant woman they met online and took her to a motel in an effort to take her baby, authorities said Tuesday. The plan was foiled when one of the teens got scared and called police.

Prosecutors say Alisa D. Betts, 17, and Lauren M. Gash, 19, kidnapped Amanda Howard, 18. Gash, of Odessa, and Betts, of Atchison, Kan., were arraigned on felony kidnapping charges Tuesday. Gash also was charged with assault.

Police believe the suspects lured Howard into a car Monday, sprayed her with Mace and bound her with tape, according to the complaint from the Jackson County prosecutor’s office.

Gash and Betts are accused of then driving the victim to a motel in Blue Springs, a Kansas City suburb. The complaint said Gash sat on Howard’s abdomen and twisted her neck back and forth, “a substantial step toward” trying to “kill or cause serious physical injury” to Howard.

Betts apparently “started to get cold feet and exited the room and called police,” said Detective Troy Pharr of the Blue Springs Police Department.

The three women met on, a social networking Web site, Pharr said.

Bond was set at $500,000 for Betts and $750,000 for Gash, who were being held in the Jackson County jail.

It was unclear Tuesday evening whether Gash and Betts had lawyers. The Jackson County Sheriff’s Department said the women were in transit.

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