August 19, 2007 at 7:18 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, help)

That seems to be the phrase that runs through my head the most these days. WTF am I supposed to do? WTF do these people want from me? WTF is happening to me. WTF is the point of all of this. WTF  did I do to deserve this? WTF WTF WTF

If there is a limit to what the human mind can take I think I have hit it. I mean really, how much is too much? Is there a point beyond which we can not come back? I feel like there is. I think I passed it awhile ago. I am not one of those strong women that survives in the face of adversity. I am not couragous. I am not going to be ok and I wish people would just get the hell over that idea. It will never be ok. I am not doing so much better. I will never be remotely ok again. I just hide the pain very well now because I know what reaction I get if I don’t.

There is only one thing in the world that will make me better and we all know that isn’t happening. So please for the love of everything you hold sacred, if you are the very one keeping that from me don’t tell me you are thinking about me. I don’t care if you think of me. I don’t care what you hope for me. I don’t give a damn if you worry about me. You are my problem. You are with holding the very thing I need to survive so your words are hollow. They are meaningless and all they do is make me cry more because they remind me of how cruel this world is.

And for all of you lovely commenters I have been getting lately, go ahead and kick me while I’m down. Call me bitter, angry, crazy, a B****. I don’t care anymore. You can not possiblly hurt me anymore than I am already hurt. So if it makes you feel better have at it.


Permalink 11 Comments