WTF

August 19, 2007 at 7:18 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, help)

That seems to be the phrase that runs through my head the most these days. WTF am I supposed to do? WTF do these people want from me? WTF is happening to me. WTF is the point of all of this. WTF  did I do to deserve this? WTF WTF WTF

If there is a limit to what the human mind can take I think I have hit it. I mean really, how much is too much? Is there a point beyond which we can not come back? I feel like there is. I think I passed it awhile ago. I am not one of those strong women that survives in the face of adversity. I am not couragous. I am not going to be ok and I wish people would just get the hell over that idea. It will never be ok. I am not doing so much better. I will never be remotely ok again. I just hide the pain very well now because I know what reaction I get if I don’t.

There is only one thing in the world that will make me better and we all know that isn’t happening. So please for the love of everything you hold sacred, if you are the very one keeping that from me don’t tell me you are thinking about me. I don’t care if you think of me. I don’t care what you hope for me. I don’t give a damn if you worry about me. You are my problem. You are with holding the very thing I need to survive so your words are hollow. They are meaningless and all they do is make me cry more because they remind me of how cruel this world is.

And for all of you lovely commenters I have been getting lately, go ahead and kick me while I’m down. Call me bitter, angry, crazy, a B****. I don’t care anymore. You can not possiblly hurt me anymore than I am already hurt. So if it makes you feel better have at it.

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11 Comments

  1. younevergetoverit said,

    I think WTF all the time, too.

    sending you love

  2. JadedTears said,

    I’m right there with you in this all the way. I, too, I’m sick of being told I will okay with this crap. Heal?!?! WTF for sure!

  3. Kelly said,

    This is so true; I think WTF; all the time too.

    Hugs,
    Kell

  4. HeatherRainbow said,

    hugs (((Aislin))) Sorry I haven’t been around lately. I’m standing right here with you. F Off all those stupid people who think that it ever gets happy. And, my friend, we were not strong coming into this experience. We are strong, because we continue to survive it. Sending you much ((love))

  5. Tonya said,

    I think wtf a lot, too. it sucks. I’m sorry you’ve been put in a position where you have to hide your pain and grief for the convenience of those who inflict it. I know what it’s like to have to hide, too.

  6. Lorri said,

    My baby was stolen 18 years ago this Friday, and I still think WTF. It isn’t ok, it will never be ok. I am just starting a support group on yahoo groups for exiled parents, and I think you will find that we all feel WTF most of the time. You can find us on Yahoo Groups the groups name is MomsLoveIs4Ever. If you need an ear, we are there to listen.

    Lorri

  7. Meli said,

    I am so very sorry.

  8. tina said,

    Sending you my love. I’m a stolen adoptee WTF should of been put on my fake birth certificate! I have put a link to you on my blog, if you want me to remove it please say. lots of love tina

  9. Lara said,

    I was thinking the exact same thing last week about my situation.
    I absolutely agree with Heather.
    Love ya.

    I wish I could hug you.

  10. Amris said,

    Oh, dear. No, it never gets better. And the worst part is that, just as you said, those who hold our heart in their vice grips are the worst about the platitudes.

    They tell you that you will get over it and move on with your life so that they can feel better about themselves and what they’ve stolen from you.

  11. Clare said,

    hi Aislin! I don’t know if you read comments from your really old posts but just in case. I’m sorry so many people gave you a hard time and I hope its better now. I’ve been reading a lot , Cedar, Motherhood Deleted etc.. and I’d like to respond if you don’t mind and I hope it doesn’t make things worse. When my first daughter was born I went into that hospital convinced I wouldn’t need an epidural. That resolution didn’t last long. After she was born I tried to nurse her. The nurse got mad at me “You’re not helping her” (I didn’t know I had to help). It seemed like every time I got some breast milk into her she’d spit it out. By the end of the day I just felt like I wasn’t equal to the task at all. But that night I had a lovely nurse. I was struggling to hold Caroline, she’s crying and spitting everything out. She wanted the bottle more than me. I was on the verge of tears. This nurse came in to help me and said the best things anyone ever has. She said “She’s very drawn to you” and “You are very patient with her”. Nothing anyone ever said to me before or since has meant so much. I needed so desperately to hear that and my heart breaks for any new mother who doesn’t. I think of how down I was on myself and the enormous power her words had on me. I think in a post partumn state support or lack of it are much more powerful than they would be ordinarily. If people give you a hard time because of your situation, don’t own it. You sound like a wonderful mother to me and one day you and your daughters will have time together with no restrictions. Before WWII some people sent their children away to England or the U.S to keep them safe. Sometimes this was how they survived. Sometimes wonderful parents lost custody of their children only because they had done everything to keep them safe and after five years how do you bring your child home? I hope I’m not rambeling. I just want to remind you that one day you and your daughter will be reunited. Adults need parents every bit as much as little kids and grandparents are twice blessed. God bless to all your family Clare

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