September 17, 2007 at 6:16 am (adopted, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

As you can imagine, trust is not one of my strong points. I never let anyone too close. No one really knows me. I am my own best kept secret.

I have gotten so good at this its scary. I asure you there are at least 15 people that would tell you I am totally wrong. They are confident that they know me. They are sure I share my thoughts and feelings with them. They are sure they have seen the real me hiding under all the shit.

Its not that I don’t want to trust them. Some of them I want to trust more than anything. I just can’t. I can’t tell them what I think or feel. I can’t take the risk of them judging me. I can’t push my fear aside enough to reach out to anyone. I try. I really do try hard. Even in therapy I find myself pretending to be someone else. Maybe I just like who I pretend to be more than I like me.

The person I seem to be is pretty cool. At least I think she is. You would really have to ask the people I know. The person I pretend to be seems so strong. She is always there to help others no matter how much pain she is in. She keeps it together instead of curling up in a little ball crying and sobbing until she passes out.

The real me isn’t like that. I have to disconnect from reality to be able to even pretend to be like that.

I’m not really sure what I am so scared of. Maybe I am scared of everyone leaving me if they saw the real me; but I do my best to push them away so maybe not. Maybe I am afraid of them staying just to say they never left me. I dread their pity. Maybe I am scared they will lock me up like my parents did. Just lock me away and act like I was never there while they pat themselves on the back for “helping” me. Maybe I am scared that they will think I am as much of a failure as I think I am.



  1. justenjoyhim said,

    Oh Aislin,

    I don’t think you’re a failure. I’m sorry for what your parents did to you.

    And I can’t blame you for not trusting people. I can’t say from personal experience, but I believe other first moms have experienced the same thing. They can tell you better.

    For what it’s worth, I think it’s good that you’re reaching out here and writing about it.

    I’m glad to “see” you back here. I missed you there for awhile.

  2. Kelly said,

    I think most of us have that problem of opening up! I still put up a walls; how can we not? You are far from a failure; you are one of the most intelligent women I know! I am sorry; for all the pain you endure because of other people’s ignorance!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: