Stupid Radio

September 23, 2007 at 1:12 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

 Your Guardian Angel

by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can’t replace
And now that I’m strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I’ll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I’ll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you’re my, you’re my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don’t throw that away

Cuz I’m here for you
Please don’t walk away and
Please tell me you’ll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I’ll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

I heard this song in the car yesterday. It spoke to something deep inside me. The tears started flowing and I was powerless to stop them. I had to pull over until they stopped. I’m sure I looked like an idiot crying my eyes out in a parking lot all alone.

All I could see was A’s tiny perfect little face. I wanted to run to her. Just say screw it and drive the hours to be with her. (hoping I am not arrested at the door) I wanted to hold her tight and tell her I love her more than life itself. That I have loved her that deeply from the moment I knew she existed. That not once, even for a single second has that love wavered. That I would give my life to spare her a single second of pain. That I will never let her fall.

I want to see her face. I want to smell her. To feel her warmth. To hear her. I crave any tiny part of her.

Yet I sit here left with nothing but longing. I can’t hear her, smell her, see her, or feel her. I can’t protect her. I can’t keep her from falling. Half the time i can’t even speak of her. But i can think of her. No one can deny me that. I can love her with every fiber of my being and pray that one day she will want to know that love. FOr now that is all I have.

Oh baby girl, I love you more than words can say. I would do anything for you. For now I will sit here and wait, and pray and love.

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