A Stóirín

March 31, 2008 at 10:33 am (adoption) (adopting, adoption, adoption reform, first mother, first parents, natural mother)

 Ghrá mo Chroí ,

You have a new sister. I’m not sure if anyone has told you. She looks a lot like you did when you were first born. She has way more hair than any baby should just like you did. The same dark blue eyes and perfectly long eyelashes as you. Oh  A Stóirín, I love your new sister so deeply. Yet I wonder if it is wrong of me to love so much. Is it a betrayal in your eyes? Does it hurt you? Do I even deserve to love anyone after I failed you so miserably?

Since bringing your sister home I have missed you more than ever.  When I watch your daddy holding her I am filled with both joy and a deep pain. I hurt so much when I think that he never got to hold you like that. That you were never held by us. When she smiles I wonder if you pull up the left side of your mouth first like she does. So many things I don’t know. So many things I have and will miss.

The worst of it is that you will be hurt. You will be confused. You will think I didn’t want you. I will never forgive myself for that. If I had known you would feel one ounce of pain I would have grabbed you and run far far away. I should have done that anyway. I should have trusted myself and protected you. I didn’t and I am so so sorry. I failed you. I know I can’t make up for that. I always wanted you and still do. I always loved you and always will. I would gladly lay down my life to be your only mommy for just one day.

                                                  Mo mhíle grá,

                                                          Mommy

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