Adoption Is The New Pregnant

April 1, 2008 at 12:56 pm (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, adoptive parent, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, Independant Adoption Center, natural mother)

I really should not stay up late on the internet. Sometimes I run across things like this http://www.dimplesanddandelions.com/product_details.asp?Product_ID=9351 Ok so a friend actually showed it to me. My first thought when the picture popped up…. you have got to be f@*@ing kidding me!

Ummmm sorry but no. Adoption is not the new pregnant. For there to be an adoption someone gas to be pregnant you insensitive shit! Babies don’t just magically appear in social workers arms. There aren’t little girls dreaming if growing up to have their kids aopted by assholes wearing these shirts. There is a very real woman involved. A woman that has carried a child and kept that child safe. A woman who risked her life bring that child into this world. A woman who’s heart is going to break if she loses her child to adoption. A woman who’s life will be forever changed and will feel the pain of seperation until she dies. But who gives a fuck about her right? Adoption is the new pregnant!

And while I am offending people I have to say …… YOU ARE NOT PAPER PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry if you can not have a child. I truly am but pretending will not change it. Adoption and pregnancy are not the same. Not amount of dumbass phrases will make them the same. Adoption and birth are very different. People need to stop pretending they aren’t. Signing a paper to adopt makes you no more pregnant than my big toe. I’m sorry but that is reality. No woman has ever died from complications during paper signing. Downplaying the vital and dangerous realities of pregnancy are demeaning to all mothers. Adoptive mothers might be researching and learning things but it is very very different. Why not just embrace those differences instead of pretending its the same?

So let the hate mail begin. I am sick of of the dellusional crap. Face reality people.

 UPDATE

Dimples and Dandelions has taken the shirt off of their website. Yippie and thank you to all who wrote them about their offensive product!!!

Sadly the shirt can still be found here

http://www.blessencematernity.com/adoption_tee.htm
 http://celebritybabies.typepad.com/reviews/2007/10/update-blessenc.html

Sooooooooooo write to them everyone. We can do this. Things like this do not belong in a civilized compassionate society. Let’s pretend we have a society like that and get rid of this dumbass shirt. Then we can do one more and one more until they are all gone

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63 Comments

  1. bfg said,

    You are right, no “cute” saying will ever erase the pain of relinquishment or the pain of infertility. I like your point that we should embrace the differences instead of pretending it’s the same.

    I do believe that families created either way are equally valid as I also believe that women who choose to parent and women who choose to place and women who choose to adopt are all valid.

    I wish there were more respect for all sides of the story.

    As a woman who hopes to become a parent through adoption I can tell you that I am dismissed as a woman by many because I cannot have a child by birth. That does not diminish or equal your situation, my point is simply that both the parents that lose their children and the parents that gain them by adoption have a deeper wound to deal with than what appears on the surface. The child at the cneter obviously has an huge loss to deal with as well. I wish that, in our society, the woman who gives birth to her child and chooses to place where more respected, but I honestly don’t think it’s the adoptive parents of the world who diminish her value (there are those that do, no argument) but most that I know, are grateful beyond words.

    I wonder why so few people focus the anger, etc., of adoption losses on the “industry”. Because in the end, the industry is profiting from my pain and from yours.

  2. mama2roo said,

    “No woman has ever died from complications during paper signing”–So true!

    You won’t get hate mail on this post from me…you’re right on in my opinion.

  3. Sunny said,

    Dead-on! It’s insulting, and rude. I fear what I would do if I happened on someone actually wearing one!

  4. aislin13 said,

    I am sorry that women trying to adopt feel dismissed. However, dimissing another woman’s role in her own child’s life will not solve that. I’m not saying you do that but the shirt sure as hell does. It disrespects mothers and the children so coveted by the industry. It revictimizes women that are already in a horrible place of pain and refret. That is unacceptable to me. It would be like me wearing a “infertility = evolution at work” shirt (yes I have seen it) How would infertile people feel seeing those when wqalking down the street. Mothers who have lost their children are human too. I can’t imagine what would happen if I saw someone wearing that drivel.

    And my anger if very focused at the industry. Many people don’t realize that the agencies silence mothers. Its a risk to speak out. The biggest way is that if the people that adopted my daughter ever figured out this was my blog I would lose what little visitaion I have. I have already had an agency threaten to sue just because I told my story. They also called child protection on me for contesting the adoption. Trust me, my anger is pointed mostly at them. I just have to be careful what I say.

    and I know most of this has little to do with the comments on here. I just kinda went off in some strange lack of sleep fog

  5. Tonya said,

    bfg, I for one do focus most of my anger on the industry.. and on the agency with which I dealt and the adoption “counselor” with whom I dealt, in particular.
    Maybe you’re right when you say most adoptive parents don’t attempt to diminish a first mother’s value.. but on one adoptive parents/wannabe-adoptive parents board to the next, it’s often exactly what I see. Also, in direct reference to the original post, I have seen adoptive parents refer to shirts such as these as “so cute.” I don’t find them cute. I find them offensive.
    Please consider, also, that it’s very difficult for some of us to always focus our anger squarely on the industry when the person telling us “no” to visits or, in my case, are currently barely communicating at all, are the adoptive parents. To be respected, one must show respect. and, in adoption, it is my experience the adoptive parents often fire the first shot in this regard.
    I realize those who find themselves facing infertility are in their own pain, dealing with their own grief and loss. But to make up cutesy phrases to try to pretend and play that they are the ones giving birth is insulting to me, and honestly it SHOULD be insulting to them.
    Neither my grief, nor yours, is “so cute.”

  6. bfg said,

    I appreciate both your comments. And I am glad you blog about your experiences. Your voices need to be heard.

    I would never wear a t-shirt like this, I don’t find it cute, and I don’t consider myself paper pregnant, that all seems contrived to me. If we had had success with IVF, I would not have dressed my child in a ‘test tube baby’ onsies either.

    I am in hope of finding an open adoption that works for everyone involved. I hope there is such a thing.

    It pains me to hear that so many women who thought they were getting an open adoption are finding the door slammed on them. That is just wrong.

    It scares me too. As much as I want to be a mother, I don’t want to raise a child who’s first mother regrets placing him or her with us. I can’t quite express that right. In other words I don’t want to parent a child who’s mother didn’t want us to, but I sure don’t want to find myself in a place where I’m being asked to give a 2 year old back.

    I’m not sure what the answer is. I’ve been careful to educate myself and select an agency with a good reputation of approaching this honestly and ethically, but is that enough?

  7. victoriasparda said,

    The people wearing shirts like that will never have to feel the child childing the hell out of their ribs, get UTIs because the child stops them from being able to empty their bladder, feel the pain of the fractured pelvis I have right now from my child’s weight, go through 8+ hours of excruciating pain that I will have to go through, never have to have the fear of not knowing if they will have to be sliced open for the child to be born safely, or even worse, the fear of death due to complications in labor!

    The people who adopted my first child had all the excitement, all the joy of becoming parents, and where did that leave me? Sitting at home with no one to help me when I could barely stand up while taking anti-depressant meds to keep me from feeling the pain of knowing that I wasn’t good enough to give my own child a decent life! That’s where it left me! A woman in shambles wondering how things would be different if only I was cut out to be a mother to my own child!

    Personally, I have emailed that site to tell them off, I urge others to do the same, even if it doesn’t do any good, at least we can tell them what we think of that offensive shirt!

  8. victoriasparda said,

    I meant “kicking the hell out their ribs” Damn typos!

  9. Linda Webber said,

    I am amazed at the Christian adoption agencies that will say how God loves adoption.Want to know what the Bible really says about adoption?

    “THE WICKED SNATCH FATHERLESS CHILDREN FROM THEIR MOTHER’S BREASTS, AND TAKE A POOR MAN’S BABY AS A PLEDGE BEFORE THEY WILL LOAN HIM ANY MONEY OR GRAIN” –Job 24:9–

    • marilynn said,

      Dang. wow. Linda webber’s quote just changed my life. wow.

    • Allison Cates said,

      No, Adoption is not stealing children from their mothers. Adoption is rescuing the parentless. It’s giving the children who are living in an orpahnage a family instead of leaving them to die, or become prostitutes…

      • aislin13 said,

        Umm Honey, you might want to read a blog more before you sound off. We are talking of domestic infant adoption here. The kids we are speakingof are not parentless, in an orphanage and most likely will not become protitutes.
        I am not sure if you were speaking to me or one of the other commentors but this is a very very old post. The only reason I saw it is because I forgot to turn off my notifications. I will let a international adoptee teach how wrong most of what you just said is. I just hope you run across one soon.

      • Mei-Ling said,

        Yeah, because clearly, we were born out of thin air.

        It’s not like our families needed help or anything before leaving us to “die” in the orphanage…

        /sarcasm

  10. tish said,

    i often find myself caught in the balance between rage and sorrow when i read posts like these. even now, as i attempt to write what i feel, my visceral response is to send this company an MP3 link to a childbirth video and allow them to understand that “adoption isn’t the new pregnant anything!” it’s adoption!

    i have 2 children. i am expecting my 3rd in june. i made an adoption plan with my first son, yet changed my mind before birth. i was harrassed, called names, told that i would be reported to CYS; and made to feel like i was the scum of the earth for “ruining the only chance” for a couple of infertile people to become parents. i basically told this agency to kiss my ass. yet, i lived with a ton of guilt and fear that my son would be taken from me, for years.

    i digress

    in addition to dealing with that pain from 16 years ago, i have also experienced very difficult pregnancies, with daily nausea, joint and nerve pain. i have permanent changes to my body that even cosmentic surgery won’t fix. i had a hemorroidectomy due to delivering a 9.3 baby, urinary incontence and vulular pain from a botched episiotmy. lately, the constant fear of “will i have another 16 hour labor in june” loops in my head. and of course, the beautifully artistic “road-map” to mecca on my ass! (that’s mommy-speak for pregnancy-related stretch marks for the “paper-pregnant” folks).

    what this t-shirt and others represent to me is a neurosis of some women to “play pregnant”, validate their own loss and pain due to infertility; and to showcase a below-surface disdain for women who can become pregnant. but, most of all, it’s hurtful.

    these women are NOT pregnancy in any shape of form. most of these women do NOT understand the tremendous emotional and physical toll a full-term pregnancy takes on one’s body. and i think it’s extremely rude, insensitive and condescending to pregnant and birthing women to have our experiences co-opted to satisfy another’s pain of infertility.

    as pregnant women, we have to walk on egg-shells around infertile friends and co-workers. we have to live in fear that someone might try to assault, or hell, kill us for our child because *they* can’t have one. we have to deal with taunts, nasty remarks about being “hyper-breeders” or “rubbing our pregnancies in other’s faces” all because some infertile women feel unfairly dealt a bad hand by mother nature. our babies at birth have to wear clonky security tags, like gucci purses, just to prevent being abducted. and according to FBI profiling, it’s usually some woman who can’t get pregnant. ironically, when these horrible cases come to light, there is always someone from the infertile community who wants US to “understand” how emotionally difficult it is to not be able to have children; and the pain that drives these women to commit these offenses.

    now, i understand that not all infertile women will resort to this type of behavior, but this is the type of shit that “pregnant-pregrent women” fear. pregnant women can’t even complain about being sick, in pain or hell, fucking miscerable without having to hear, “at least you can become pregnant!”

    i don’t know. my thoughts are all over the place and incoherent when i listen to them in my head. all i hear is the marginalization of pregnant women and birthing mothers; and want to scream!

    i apologize for hijacking your blog… but when i saw this link from Y!A, i had to chime in…

    peace.

  11. victoriasparda said,

    HAHA! They removed the product! I guess I’m not the only one who wrote in to them about that shirt!

  12. victoriasparda said,

    Response to update: I’m one it and going to be forwarding this to my friends was well. Has anyone brought it to the attention of the Y!Answer community yet?

  13. Clare said,

    I hope no one minds if I address “bfg” directly. bfg: Like you, I’ve never lost a child to adoption. I’m not planning to ever adopt one either. I have three. Having your family intact is like good health, it’s an easy thing to take for granted. That’s why blogs like this are so important. Without them, people like myself would never learn about the vicious coersion going on in this glorified industry. I hope no one minds me putting my two cents in. bfg, it sounds like you really want an ethical adoption. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I don’t think there is any ethical way to adopt a newborn. Certainly there is no ethical way to adopt a baby targeted before birth. Frankly if its bad in this country I’m afraid its even worse overseas. Chinese parents for example face enormous fines amounting to several years income for the privlige of keeping a second child. And you can just imagine the coercion in any part of the world where whole cities have economys based on adoption and adoption tourism. Throughout human history (at least until around the 50’s) people who wanted to adopt have gone where the honestly orphaned or abandoned children were, the orphanage. Today that would mean adopting through the foster care system. Not every child available for adoption through the fostor care system is disabled. If you are willing to consider a sibling group and especially if you will consider children regardless of race I bet you and your husband will be able to offer a good home to children who actually need it. God knows DSS has its flaws but this route would certainly be more ethical than targeting some poor girl just because she seems vulnerable and alone. I really wish you all the best. Clare

  14. aislin13 said,

    Bravo! Clare bravo! I agree that there really is no ethical way to adopt a newborn. It is rare that an AP gets a real honest look at what adoption does to natural mothers. Look at Cindy Jordon Allison Quets, Jaime Keifer, myself and most of the blogs linked here. Women are dying because of this industry. It is tearing families apart and literally killing women and their now grown children. I would not even be here to blog if my wonderful boyfriend had not decided to come home early on the night I finally broke. I have yet to talk with a natural mother that has not contemplated or tried suicide. That is unacceptable in my book

  15. Lady Portia said,

    Most adopters are NEEDY ADULTS who have not learned to inner parent.

    So they see a baby and they must have it.

    The industry is feeding their EGOS and lining their pockets as well.

    An adoption in UK creates about £500,000 pounds if contested.

    Of course there are thousands of FORCED ADOPTIONS here- where babies are stolen and given to strangers for little or no reason.

    The social workers have become so daring that they steal without even a court order, and leave no trace of baby on paper.

    Women need to grow up and stop stealing babies.

    It is Matri- Genocide.

    It is legalised child trafficing.

    It is slavery.

    It is back to the old days where women and children are possessions of male Patriarchal society.

    May the light of Justice shine and bring the truth to light.

    If they are stopping you from speaking truth, then do want to hide the LIE.

    • Jennifer said,

      Ok, so I understand the anger about the adoption industry and newborns. But I am an adoptive parent of an older child through foster care. And I am NOT a needy adult. I’m insulted by you bitter gals for lumping EVERYONE in the same boat. I wanted to become a parent and unlke all of you, I couldn’t conceive. THAT’S IT.

  16. Lady Portia said,

    The industry is killing off the MOTHER ASPECT OF HUMANITY.

    For what??

    $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

  17. Fred said,

    Gay – you all need help

  18. aislin13 said,

    Wow since you put that so itteligently and maturly I am arunnin to gets me some help! I sure hope I don’t get lost on the way.
    In case you didn’t catch it … I think you are a total dumbass Fred at yahoo

  19. JadedTears said,

    Hey Fred… How about u get a clue 1st!!!

  20. JadedTears said,

    bfg: How on earth can u come here and read all the pain and then think its a good idea to indulge in your selfish ways??? Does nothing sink into that thick skull? Instead of taking what’s not yours why don’t u try to help women keep thier babies? Be an answer, and not add more to the problem!

  21. Linda Webber said,

    Is Fred wanting to get his woman a baby to make her happy? Or maybe Fred is one of those deadbeat dads that poke um and leave um?ORRRRRRRRRRRR Maybe Fred is part of the 2 billion dollar industry? Whatever his agenda is,he is not a very nice human being.

  22. jbeeky said,

    I am adopting internationally and also have a bio son. I can have my children biologically, I CHOOSE to adopt as a way to expand my family. I had someone give me a “paper pregnant” shirt. I wore it and answered questions all day. I thought it was a great way to show I was proud of adopting. I certianly did not mean to offend. I am not some unevolved narcissist. I apologize to anyone who may have seen my in it and was offended.

  23. aislin13 said,

    I pray with all my heart that the child’s mother is freely choosing adoption to shrink her family. Sounds funny… adoption to disassemble her family… adoption to deflate her family… adoption to tear asunder her family… I guess you can’t use that phrase for mothers on the other side of adoption. But that is another rant and maybe another post.
    I’m sure many people who wear tastless things don’t mean to offend. That in itself is part of the problem. Its a total lack of empathy. If you were a mother of adoption loss or an adoptee that considered adoption a huge trauma in your life would you really want to be reminded of it everywhere you go. I can tell you it is everywhere. There is no escape from it. Its on tv, the radio, movies. Now we have to see it on stupid t shirts walking down the street. We have no safe place at all. Ok that is yet again a rant for another post. Just one of those days I guess

  24. rrr said,

    Many women give their children up freely. Some are so abusive to them that they must be rescued from torture in order to be adopted. I have one of both.

  25. aislin13 said,

    I often wonder about all of these moms that freely give up babies. I keep hearing about them but everytime I meet a nmom she tells a different story. I’m begining to think its a myth. As for foster adoption (which I am assuming you are refering to) I have nothing against it. If you read the whole blog you will see I am talking about domestic infant adoption. I don’t know enough about foster adoption or international adoption to comment much. Adoption should be a last resort IMO. It should also be about finding families for children that need them instead of finding a baby for families that want one.

  26. Margie said,

    Well said, very well said.

  27. doron said,

    I am sorry you have all had negative experiences with pregnancy and adoption. Those of us that chose not to have children or can’t are not lesser beings. Being able to have sex and procreate is completely biological and is no miracle, it’s science. Just because you can doesn’t mean you will have a strong family or be a great Mother. Children are neglected and abandoned every day. If all you say is true than child services would not be an overburdened arm of our communities.

    If you don’t want to be a part of the patriarchal machine than don’t woman-hate. Wanting to Mother is wanting to love; not control, not own, and not steal. IT is the love that has kept you with your pregnancies and children, or which has given those the strength to know when adoption or abortion is the right answer. Don’t hate that. It is a stubborn and thickheaded as you accuse others of being.

    As a sister to an abandoned/adopted sister, a friend to a birth mother in a open adoption situation (who is highly educated), the hate you are breeding is what turns women against women and gives ‘the man’ all of the power. Be careful.

  28. aislin13 said,

    Are you for real? Seriously?? So now on top of being an unfit mother (thanks Jim) and a whore I am a bad feminist? Wow that is priceless. So would it be better if I was all smiles and sunshine that someone stole my baby? Would I be a good feminist then?
    Birth is a miracle to many. It is way more than being able to have sex and gestate. And guess what… I do have a strong family and I am a great mother. What you seem to be ignoring is that we are talking about domestic infant adoption. Foster adoption is another issue all together. Being able to pay the money to adopt doesn’t mean you are meant to be a mother. It means you had the money and the want. It doesn’t make you any damn better than the woman that birthed the child you covet.
    If you don’t want to be a part of the patriarchal machine than don’t ignore the women that are still oppressed. Don’t turn a blind eye to reproductive exploitation. It is very real and very much alive in this country. SWs are in hospitals pushing papers at women mere hours after they have given birth. Women that are still heavily medicated, bleeding, in pain and scared to death. Taking advantage of the hormones and fears of women is not the feminist thing to do. Laying down after it has been done to you and letting it continue is not the feminist thing to do. I think you might need to reevaluate who is being thick headed and stubborn. Adoption is primarily a woman on woman crime. I’m glad you friend’s open adoption agreement is being honored. She is luckier than most of us. Its wonderful that she is highly educated. Most FIRST or NATURAL moms are. I wonder why you felt the need to add that tid bit.
    The only thing I need to be careful of is the vultures waiting with open arms to victimize pregnant women. Do some reading and get over your narrow minded thinking

  29. doron said,

    You are doing a disservice to woman that do make conscious decisions to give their child to someone else. I am sorry you have regret and had a horrible experience. I don’t know your circumstances. If you child was stolen than you have a legal situation and I am sure there are lawyers out there that would help you. There is a myth that birth mothers are uneducated, young, and victimized and it’s not always true. I am not saying that it doesn’t hurt but you can’t keep hating the women who love. Regret is a horrible thing.

  30. aislin13 said,

    I’m not doing a disservice to any fucking body. I’m not talking about the women who make a free choice. If they really did then yippie for them. They are very lucky and even more rare. IF you bothered to read the blog you would know about half of the details of my “situation”. I already went through the courts. It did me no good. The judge even said it was illegal but oh well too late now. So don’t give me any condesending shit about IF my child was stolen. She was. Being a FIRST or NATURAL mother I am well aware of the myths. (if you are going to be on my blog have some manners and stop using terms I find offensive) I know most first mothers are very educated. Some are yound and some aren’t. Of all the first mothers I have met over half of them were victimized. I know it doesn’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy to admit it so you will ignore it but its true. Go ahead and turn a blind eye to it. I don’t hate women who love. I have no damn clue where you got that from. I had entitled, narrow minded, compassionless, cruel, desperate, selfish bitches who only care about their own desire to have a womb fresh baby. Women that have no problem pressuring a scarted woman in the hospital while still medicate mere hours after giving birth. Women who don’t give a damn when that same mother realizes what she is losing after the medications wear off. The women that close open adoptions with no reason or care for what they are doing to the mother that trusted them. The ones that lie and do anything to get a baby away from its mother. the ones that ignore what that seperation will do to the baby they claim to love. I hate them because they are worthy of hate. I have no clue why this offends you so much. I have to either believe you are one of those women or you are getting offended by something that has nothing to do with you. If the shoe doesn’t fit stop trying so hard to cram you foot in it. Oh and fear not that I am feeding into the patriarchal machine. I hate their husbands just as much. Not to mention the male SWs and doctors and lawyers involved. You are right regret is a horrible thing. I would hate to regret that I didn’t do everything in my power to save another mother from the pain I live. Have a great night!

    • marilynn said,

      I adore this girl thats writing. I reunite parents with their children or anyone related to anyone related. I do it for free because its terrible that adoptors want to pretend to be a child’s parents. If you really want to help someone elses needy child – help someone elses needy child, don’t rename the child a name “you like better” so you can play God (and God to a child is mom and dad). Don’t refer to the child as your child, find another description. Many cultures use aunt and uncle for really close friends and family – thats a lie too I suppose. We can’t have kids and this kid needs to be in a loving supportive environment. His parents needed help raising him….something else. PS if anyone wants to find their kid write me at sftoolgirl@hotmail.com. I will spend at least an hour a day looking forever and I’ll do it for free, I’ll give you passwords for free and teach you how to search on your own.
      Love to all the mommies and daddies missing their little or big kids. Love to the kind people who are willing to be a child’s guardian angel when their parents are unable to take care of them – love to you so long as you don’t call yourself their parent. You may love them more – quite possible, but you will never be the childs parent without biology. Does not mean your not a heck-u-va guy or gall tho

  31. aislin13 said,

    PS I find it really funny that you think I am such a hater of adoptive parents. Half the positive comments on this post are from adoptive mothers.

  32. JadedTears said,

    Yep, stupid ignorant people still drive me crazy. Why post on someones blog if ya don’t bother to even read it.? Hurry grab a few lines you can bitch about it without getting all the info first. There’s the highly educated hard at work for ya. geesh!

    I also know lots of first moms with the same painful story of having their child coerced from them with all the lies. Then we get to hear from all these non-educated people about how wrong we are for hurting and how much we should rejoyce that some selfish couple took our child. It’s these people that are part of the foundation holding the baby buying system in place.

    Here’s a couple little facts for all you blind people: Over 90% of so called open adoptions are closed, 85% in the first year. The average price per domestic infant adoption is about $50,000, none of which goes to the natural family.

    You want more information? Get off your judgemental lazy ass and look it up. The truth is out there and here in this awesome blog. Do us all a favor and educate yourself before you post.

  33. doron said,

    Stupid and ignorant I am not. I responded to inflammatory statements you and others posted and wanted people to hear. So, I did some research. I improperly (now realizing) responded to Ladyoportia’s response and your blog. I apologize. I apologize for responding before I researched your blog. Without reading the entire thing (which i did), your situation is not transparent and your statements come up in cyber space as just that; statements. As you apologize for potentially offending people you may want to respond to those on your blog who intend to offend.

    I am not a crazy bitch who doesn’t care. I do care which is why I have landed where I have. I believe in adoption as a true option to expanding a family and giving life to a family that wouldn’t otherwise ‘be’.

    I would appreciate it if you would post some links to ‘educate myself’, as JadedTears has gently offered. The other responsible adopters reading this blog might appreciate the knowledge.

  34. aislin13 said,

    Ok that’s fair. If you were responding to several things that got all jumbled in your head it is much more understandable to me. For the record I never called you stupid or a crazy bitch. You also had the misfortune of commenting at the worst possible time. I have had a death in the family and am dealing with the fact that my youngest son might be autistic like his big brother. Add a new baby to the mix and everyday stresses and it makes my fuse a little short. I was much harsher with you than I normally would be and that wasn’t fair.
    My personal belief on adoption is that it should only be about the child. It should be only about finding homes and loving families for children that truly don’t have one. This means that it should be for orphaned children and children whose parents 100% can not take care of them. Not kids whose mothers are young, scared, poor or easily manipulated by social workers and agency staff. Its the needless adoptions that must stop. Ripping apart one family to build another is criminal.
    I did not address Ladyoportia’s for several reasons the first being she has some valid points. The UK is insane with forced adoptions right now. She lives there and knows better than us how bad it is. The second reason is that I allow people to address each other in my comments. Clare and BFG did so in this post. I figured if anyone was offended they would say so. I am also not sure if Ladyoportia is an adoptee. I never ever ever tell an adoptee how to feel or what to say on here. They get enough of that. Even if what they say hurts me or others I have to let them say it. I might gebtly try to discuss it with them but I will never jump on them for it. They are my daughter all grown up. I would lose it on someone if they told said anything to her about her feelings, opinions or thoughts on adoption. Adoptees live with it their whole lives. If anyone gets a free pass on proper debate manners when discussing adoption its them.
    I am now going to dig up all my links for you. I’m on a new computer so it might take awhile but I will get them to you.

  35. Sunshine said,

    Are you on crack – did you get one of your children taken away from state? It’s a message on a shirt. Why don’t you spend more of your time trying to help others in need, instead of E-mailing companies about a t-shirt. You know what you need, you all need to learn to love one another and stop complaining about words on a t-shirt. People who wear these shirt are proud to be helping a child that was set aside for there mommy or daddy’s selfish ways. We are the people who came and picked up the pieces to be a mom, not you!!!! Remeber you may have let the baby grow in you but it grew in our hearts and the child will know who the real mom (which isn’t you it’s the person that adopted them) is by the love and respect he/she gets. Blood doesn’t make you family, love, respect, being there, never giving up and never letting go is family. You need to love your self and let god love you because girl you got some real problems.

    • emilyxavianathan said,

      Actually Sunshine, blood does make a family. Children are God’s gifts to us. What happens is the enemy tries to steal them from their rightful parents. It is one thing to adopt children without parents, it is another to take them from living, breathing, and loving parents. I know this post is almost 3 years old, but I came across it today. And I don’t hear any kind of love or God’s love in your comment. I hear selfishness and judgment.

  36. Sunshine said,

    Ok I wrote my first comment last night and then I read a little bit more about you and I still believe you should be puttting all your energy and angry to something that you can really make a difference in this world. I really think you could make a huge difference in something bigger than a saying on a shirt. Anyway before you go off from reading the first comment I wrote understand that I know your not on crack (just a silly saying-just like the shirt) and no the state didn’t take your child away. I do understand that I think you do have the right to see your daughter and I pray you will be a part of her life if your not now. I don’t know if you have problems but I do know we all have are problems and sometimes it helps to let it out and your good at that!!!! lol Just smile and don’t make the small things into big things. Just love your life it, sounds like you have a pretty good one. You do have some great sons it sounds like. You are funny at times and thats a great thing.

  37. tonya said,

    “sunshine” I don’t know what happened to you in your life to make you so mean and bitter. After reading that I’m afraid for any children you might have in your home. 😦
    I hope you find some peace and gain some emotional stability.

  38. aislin13 said,

    Well I’m still going to go off on you for one very important reason,,,, you deserve it. I have great sons and daughters! Do not ever forget to count my daughters amoung MY children. It is no small thing to have your child stolen. If you really think it is then you are the one with problems. Last time I checked blood does make you family. Does it make you loved or wanted? No but you are still family. Sorry if you don’t like it but its a fact of nature. Take it up with God if you have complaints. I am still amazed that people can’t see how these shirts are offensive. They hurt people!! I will speak out about anything I see that hurts people. Its called compassion and emathy. Look it the fuck up! In DIA these shildren are NOT set aside because of selfishness. They are many time coerced from their very loving mothers through agency and adopter selfishness. You aren’t helping a young mother by helping yourself to her baby. Adoption is not about unwanted babies, its about unwanted mothers.
    So now we get to the real issue. I am very much my older daughter’s real mother. I didn’t “let” her grow in me. I’m not a fucking incubator. I concieved her out of love. I nurtured her for 10 months inside me. I bought her clothes and toys awaiting her arrival. I loved her. I created her. I named her the true name of her soul. Our hearts beat as one. I am her REAL mother not some baby hungry, immoral, selfish bitch of an adopter. I am the mother your precious God gave her. Fucking deal with it.
    Go back to school if you really think babies grow in hearts. Babies grow in the very real and functional wombs of very real women. They are not breeders for infertiles or people too damn lazy to deal with pregnancy.
    Honestly you make me sick. You point fingers at people you don’t know. You say the cruelest shit you can all while talking of god’s love. You don’t give a damn about other people very real traumas. You just fart rainbows about adoption and put down all us bad bad non mommies. Guess what… most of us don’t give a damn what you think. You are just another stereotypical adopter in a long ass line. You are far from special or rare. You are just mean, narrow minded and cruel. You are what we spend all day fighting against. Get use to hearing us because natural mothers everywhere are stand up and making ourselves heard.
    BTW every adoptee I have talked to hates that shirt as much as natural moms if not more. Half the negative comments about it are from adoptees. The only ones defending it are adopters. Wonder why hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
    I know I forgot a ton of things but I gotta go smoke my crack now. Oh and in case you missed it,,,, Go to hell. You’re already on the path

    • marilynn said,

      cant you stop saying birth mother and natural mother and real mother. Unless you used a different woman’s egg, if you were pregnanat and gave birth, – the kid is your child, your the mom, mother, parent whatever. Can’t we start calling people that adopt, “the people that adopt” “the female care-giver” or “guardian” or something more accurate? Its just too confusing to call people family when they are not. We all have people that we are not related to that we call “brother” “cousin” or “auntie” chosen family is chosen family seperate, diffeerent and sometimes far better and more loved – but can’t you just call your self mom? arent you. putting a prefix on it makes it seem like you don’t believe it either or as if there are more that one kind of mom. Biology, genes etc. I’m quite sure that plenty of strangers could do a better job raising my child than me, sometimes I use the TV as a sitter, we’re poor, she does not have riding lessons, I let her sleep in the same bed as me. I’m gone 9 hours a day at work, I don’t have a college savings for her.
      I take her to the museum, and don’t always give her cereal for breakfast sometimes I make pancakes. Sometimes I drink, sometimes I swear, sometimes I wish I was a better person. But every night I give her a bath and comb her hair read her a story and fight like hell to get her to fall asleep so I can wash a damn dish. I love her, I’m her mom, it does not matter if you could do it better because you’d never do it right.

  39. Amanda said,

    First of all, I am terribly disappointed by most of the posts I have seen on this page. I’m not sure if they have been filtered to only include a select few, but I’m hoping this post will bring a new perspective.

    To clear up something about adoption and the Bible – I think this website says it best: http://www.gotquestions.org/adoption.html

    “Once we give our hearts to Christ, believing and trusting in Him alone for salvation, God says we become part of His family—not through the natural process of human conception, but through adoption. “So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God’s very own children, adopted into His family – calling Him ‘Father, dear Father’” (Romans 8:15). Bringing a person into a family by means of adoption is done by choice and out of love. “His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. And this gave Him great pleasure” (Ephesians 1:5).”

    And through my experience as a police officer, I have seen many children in homes where they should not be. I have taken the call where a mother high on drugs has left her child of only a few months for days without care. I have taken the call where a father has pointed a gun at a 5-year-old’s head and demanded him to tell him whether he should live or die. I have taken the call where a child is literally blue & purple from head to toe because of the beatings he got at home. Do these children deserve that environment? You can bet that I believe an adoptive home with parents that love a child by choice would be a much better home.

    I think it is sad that a shirt as simple as “pregnant on paper” can offend so many people. The shirt isn’t taking away any of the pain or difficulties of physical pregnancy. It is simply sharing with other people the emotional anxiety, hopes, struggles that an adoptive mom is going through. They too have been anxiously awaiting a child, most of the time for a lot longer than 9 months and are excited to share the good news that soon they too will be a parent.

    I think it is important to try to walk in someone else’s shoes before making such judgmental comments about adoption. I personally know several families with adopted children who are growing up in fantastic homes. I also know three who have given up their child for adoption. The three do not regret making the decision and all agree that their child is living in a better home and with more loving parents than even they could have provided.

    I hope this helps others to see the blessings of adoption.

  40. aislin13 said,

    Ok so first of all I really don’t care what the bible says about adoption because I’m not christian. That is fine and dandy for you I guess but it means little to me. I really wish people would stop assuming that in a country with freedom of religion everyone will care what the bible says. I don’t bash other people’s religions if I can avoid it so I am skipping the bible part all together.

    Second we are talking about DIA on this blog not abused children taken into foster care. Never once have I or anyone I know of said that abused children should stay with their abusers. I am really sick of that being thrown around everytime anyone says something negative about adoption. DIA and foster adoption are two totally different monsters. I don’t know much about foster adoption so I focus on what I do know DIA.

    For the 523rd time the damn shirt is offensive. It degrades natural mothers. It degrades adoptees. It hurts already traumatized people. How do I know? Because I took the cotton out of my ears and listen when people talk. I am also one of the people it offends and deeply hurts. You want to be proud about adopting wear a shirt that says “Adopting” or ” In the Proccess”. For mothers in DIA pregnancy is all we have of our children often due to no fault of our own. It hurts when even that is being taken away. So why don’t you go read your bible and see what it says about compassion and empathy. Try walking in someone else’s shoes.

    I’m am sure some adopted children grow up in fantastic homes. Some adoptees are abused like the kids in your story. Adoption does not promise a better life only a different life.

    I would love to talk to those 3 mothers you know. See usually us natural moms don’t tell people in our lives about our regrets. It ends up with us being ripped apart so we hide it. Just look at some of the comments on here and you will see why we hide our real feelings. I can almost promise you if they talked to me the tears would start flowing. It is only natural. The human mind was not designed to lose a child no matter what the reasons.

    Oh and fear not, we clearly see all the blessings of adoption. Everyone of them is on the adopters side.

  41. Myst said,

    Ok to the moron who is going on about the bible and adoption… where does the bible condone infant adoption? Where does it say in the bible that it is okay to take a baby, take the baby’s identity and leave the mother in a mess?? It doesn’t. There is only one real story of infant adoption in the bible and it ends with the guy deserting his adopters and walking away from them ENTIRELY so you could say the Bible is actually ANTI infant adoption. It is only people and their interpretation, their desire to see what they want and take what they want that okays adoption in the church. What is it with people linking God/Bible and adoption??? I just don’t get it. You obviously don’t know how to read!

  42. C said,

    I am writing this understanding fully that I am going to be the minority in this blog, and that is totally fine. I am not trying to be hostile or inflamitory.

    We are in the process of adopting, and have been waiting for such a long time. I respect everything that has been said here as personal opinion as a result of terrible experiences. I have never lost a child or given one for adoption, so I am in no way wanting to trivialize ANYTHING that has been said here. I could never understand your pain.

    I would like to address, however, the borderline hate speech from tish directed at adoptive parents. For those of you who have lost children unfairly and unjustly, I am truly very very sorry. I have no idea the loss and despair that you must live with daily. That being said, I’m saddened that posts that are so very insensitive to infertile women are acceptable. Referring to adoptive parents as baby stealing, emotionally fragile, hypersenstive wanna-be’s is really terrible. No, we who can’t have children will never know that it’s like to have the nausea, indigestion, stretch marks, hemorrhoids, back pain, urinary incontinence- but I would give anything in the world to have those ailments, because that would mean I was able to have a child of my own. We are well aware that we are not pregnant, and I don’t think that it represents a below the surface neurosis or resentment…I think it represents something natural in all of us to want our own children.

    This is probably off topic, since I didn’t even mention the shirt in question. For me it’s not about the shirt. I understand that it is offensive to some people, and not to others. I was reading this blog because of the shirt- a friend who knows our situation emailed a picture of the shirt and I researched it, which led me to this blog. People of every station are reading this, and it is very insensitive and cruel to adoptive parents. Attack the shirt all you want, I don’t care about that. But adoptive parents are people too. We are mothers and fathers without children, who are not lucky enough to be able to have children. I understand that this is a senstive issue for everyone involved, but making ugly remarks about a whole group of people who didn’t imagine or manufacture the shirt seems too harsh. We don’t hate you for being able to have children- please don’t hate us for being unable to.

  43. aislin13 said,

    I’m really sorry you were offended by a comment but I do not moderate or edit other people’s words. There are just as many comments that are cruel an insensitive to first parents and adoptees.
    One thing you might want to remember is that natural parents are living without their child not just a child. You might benefit from reading more of this blog and others like it. It could help you have an ethical adoption which is so very very rare

  44. thebronxcupcake said,

    BRAVO! That is probably the most disgusting shirt I have ever seen. I’m sorry you lost your daughter, and I can say I know how you feel, having recently lost mine too.

  45. Myst said,

    Hi C…

    It is really sad you can’t have children of your own. I find it terribly tragic when I meet people who are unable to have babies/children of their own and yet desperately want a child. It is part of the reason I ended up in the mess I am in now. I certainly do not hate people for not being able to have children, my best friend is in this boat and she has only wanted to be a mother her whole life. It is what people DO as a result that I can’t stomach.

    It is not anyone’s right to expect a mother to live without her child so someone else, a bilogical/spiritual stranger, can be a parent to her child. Yes, adoptive parents are people and ever since adoption involved infants and the BSE existed, adoptive parents have been seen as the only party. Adoptees were not given a second thought as they were placed into the arms of strangers. Natural parents have been treated worse than animals so is it any wonder they are starting to fight back. With our new independence and thirst for justice, we have encountered many nasty adoptive parents who have said truly evil and despicable things to us and so have continued our abuse. Many of us have had enough and we are just not okay with it anymore.

    As for t-shirts etc… I cannot believe how far gone humans are if they expect this kind of thing is okay. How depraved can a person be? This just proves the point there are many adoptive parents out there who have NOT accepted the fact they cannot have children and have to create a fake idea of pregnancy. It really is sick.

    As for adoption itself… how can anyone support an institution where one party gains something they desire at the detriment of another human being? Adoption, in particular infant adoption, and excluding foster-adopt is solely about providing the buyer (PAP’s) with a product they want and have been unable to procure naturally (the baby) to the detriment of the mother. Adoption has seen babies ripped out of mothers’ wombs and the baby sold on the black market, murder, kidnapping all to satisfy the desire of someone wanting something they can’t have. To me, that is terrorism, evil and downright wrong. If adoption was something that was only about a child or a person (regardless of age) being given an identtiy, a home and a life because they had none due to war, being orphaned etc, then, I would be okay with it. But it hasn’t been about that for a very long time and so I can only conclude it has had its time and needs to be eradicated.

  46. Pam Kau said,

    LInda W. -YOU ARE CRAZY! THe childrena re abandoned! Jesus is calling us to…”be a father to the fatherless”- and He “sets the lonely in families.” YOu need to do some researching before spouting off about the agency’s that are providing loving homes for otherwise cast off children! Do you realize that there are at least 1.5 million orphans and counting!!!!!! Get a heart!

  47. aislin13 said,

    Oh Jennifer. Chill hon. I have no idea how many times I have to say this, my blog is about DIA. I do not moderate my comments beyond the word natural mom. When this was written I didn’t moderate comments at all. Calling people names isn’t going to prove you are any better than the women they were commenting about. Casting shame and dismissing other people as bitter only serves to reinforce the image of holy than thou adopter who doesn’t care about anything but getting a kid. I am not saying that is who you are but that is what people see when you act like this. Most of the comments were about DIA. If the shoe doesn’t fit please stop trying to cram your foot in it. It will only give you a sore foot.

  48. sarah said,

    I have adopted 5 children in Africa, most of them abadoned, neglected, abused, HIV positive, or homeless. No one wants these children. Their mothers truly do not care about them or want them. My friends are all getting photos of themselves pregnant, talking about it, blogging about it. I have gone through several years of work to adopt each of my children, and have put myself in many life-threatening situations to have them. No, it isn’t the same as birth – but it certainly isn’t as easy as signing a paper!! and for me, adoption is what I will have – I may not be pregnant, but they are my children no matter what, and the labor I have been through to adopt them and rehabilitate them has been intense, and will be life long. For me, a shirt like this says, hey i might not be be pregnant in the same way as all my friends in their glamorous professional pictures, but I have suffered to have my children.

    • aislin13 said,

      I’m going to be very honest here. You are not pregnant in any way. Adoption is not in any way shape or form a pregnancy. I don’t say it to be harsh. Its just the truth. The shirt is insulting due to that very fact. The things you did and do for your kids are no less noble because you aren’t pregnant. I’m not debating motherhood which seems to be where many people are taking this. Would it really be so bad to have an honest shirt instead? Maybe Expecting through adoption or something respectful of all sides. How would you feel if you saw me walking around in a shirt that said Conception is the New Adoption or Genetics is the New Paperwork? See my point at all?

      Now I do have one otherissue with your comment. Have you met and talked to the mother of allyour children? Do you have 100% proof that they do not care or want their children? If not then you should refrain from saying such horrid things. You can not know what is in their hearts. I really hope you don’t say these things around your children. I will pray that you find some peace when it comes to your children’s other mothers and some compassion for people in conditions most could only imagine

    • Myst said,

      Sorry Sarah, just because you feel you have “suffered” to adopt your children does not give you license to invalidate and presume to have gone through the experiences of other women. Adoption IS NOT EVER THE SAME AS GIVING BIRTH and it is about time people recognised that. If you are so focussed in on how you feel about your journey then I am sorry to say, you shouldn’t be adopting as you haven’t dealt with these issues yet. I suggest a therapist who delves into fertility issues.

      A shirt that says “Adoption is the new pregnant” is offensive and pure vile. If you need a shirt to make yourself feel better then you have serious issues to work on.

  49. Heidi said,

    I have to say that I really object to the people who say that they have gone to great lengths (IVF, Adoption, difficult pregnancies) to have their babies really bugs me – often those people say “therefore I love my baby more.” How can they know that? Similarly, how can you know what someone wearing this t-shirt is trying to say? It’s nice that some people are excited about adoption. It stinks that some people feel terrible about it. As someone who’s given birth AND going through the adoption process, I understand the need for some sort of ritual, or positive “event” such as feeling paper pregnant, etc. In a perfect world we’d just all get along and raise all the children to be their best, however that happens, but the world is not perfect, and it’s great in some circumstances that adoption steps in to help out. My heart goes out to people who’ve gotten a raw deal by the system, but that is the industry, or the companies who perpetrate the bad acts, and not the entire system.

    • aislin13 said,

      I think you missed a huge point. It doesn’t matter what they are trying to say. I wouldn’t even try to guess at their motives. The shirt is offensive to a great many people. Adoption is not the new pregnant. There is a good old fashion pregnancy involved with it. It is disrespectful as hell to the woman that will (or will not if she is smart) make an adoptive mother a mother at all. It is dismissive of all she is going through. It is delusional of an PAP to think adopting is anything close to a pregnacy. It is not. It is very different is many ways. That does not mean it is less or however people want to take this so they can be offended.
      I prefer to change things for the better instead of just throwing my hands up and saying its just the industry. The things happening in the name of adoption must be stopped for all involved. I personally feel it is the entire system that is flawed beyond repair. I can not think of one state, agency or lawyer that does not have at least one unethical thing going on and I spend a lot of time looking for it.

  50. Myst said,

    So just because the world isn’t perfect should we just throw in the towel and live immorally and do what is wrong? It really annoys me when people say the “if we lived in a perfect world” crap. We don’t, we never have BUT that doesn’t excuse bad behaviour and causing pain. Sheesh! I think one of the biggest issues today is the lack of personal responsibility… just look at the USA… they sue for anything and everything because they feel entitled to. Much like adoption. People adopt because they feel entitled to another family’s child. No personal responsibility, expecting someone else to suffer/pay for what one wants.

    This t-shirt is just part of the crap of adoption. It is part of the entitlement people feel and I don’t give a crap about the positive feelings and event people want to create when adopting because first they have to realise they are causing at the very least 2 people, usually more, a very huge trauma and loss… especially in infant adoption where most of them are unnecessary and totally about those adopting.

    This shirt with its puke-y saying is just another denial of the truth about adoption. As someone who is adopting you could harldy understand the full impact of what adoption has on people. You are gaining from another’s loss. And to blame it all on the industry is yes, you guessed it, again refusing to take personal responsibility. Come on, adoption is all about adopters. Stem the demand and the issues would dramatically cease. The industry is bad but it is only able to be that way because it gives people what they want. It is deplorable how people love to blame the industry. The industry only works because adopters line their pockets and encourage it.

  51. Allison Cates said,

    There are 143 Million orphans in this world. Adoption isn’t the same as giving birth to a child, you are right! However, there are millions and millions of children without parents who need a loving home. People who adopt them are not stealing those children from their parents they are rescuing them.

    • aislin13 said,

      Why in the world did you feel the need to say it twice. Oh well its too late for this nonsense anyway. you have yourself a great night.

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