Stupid Radio

April 11, 2008 at 2:18 pm (adoption)

Some of you know that I have been having a very hard time with the lack of open in this “open” adoption. Right now it is very hard. I email and wait months to get a reply. I have not gotten pictures in what seems like forever. Visits are always mentioned but haven’t been set up in almost 2 yrs. I ask and am always told we will set it up in the next email. I obsessively check my email even though I know in my heart nothing will be there. I literally check 5 – 10 times a day. And every time I check my heart is in my throat until I see there is nothing there. Then it is all I can do not to climb into bed and cry my eyes out. Sometimes I think it really is killing me.

Last week I decided to give up. It is taking away from my other kids and they deserve better. I was no longer going to email begging for crumbs. i was going to just wait until she was 18 and we didn’t have to go through anyone else. I was 100% totally and completely done with these damn head games.

 Then I went to the bank. It was two shot Tuesday on our local station. They played a band I hadn’t heard in years. I was waiting for the usual music they play but was shocked to hear Guns N Roses. The first song ……

Patience

Shed a tear ’cause I’m missin’ you
I’m still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn’t sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt
You’re in my heart now

Said, woman, take it slow
It’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(patience)
Mm, yeah

I sit here on the stairs
‘Cause I’d rather be alone
If I can’t have you right now
I’ll wait, dear
Sometimes I get so tense
But I can’t speed up the time
But you know, love
There’s one more thing to consider

Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I’ll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
‘Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I’ve got what it takes
To make it, We won’t fake it,
I’ll never break it
’cause I can’t take it

[whistle]
…little patience, mm yeah, mm yeah
need a little patience, yeah
just a little patience, yeah
some more patience, yeah
need some patience, yeah
could use some patience, yeah
gotta have some patience, yeah
all it takes is patience,
just a little patience
is all you need *

I BEEN WALKIN’ THE STREETS AT NIGHT
JUST TRYIN’ TO GET IT RIGHT
HARD TO SEE WITH SO MANY AROUND
YOU KNOW I DON’T LIKE
BEING STUCK IN THE CROWD
AND THE STREETS DON’T CHANGE
BUT BABY THE NAME
I AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THE GAME
‘CAUSE I NEED YOU
YEAH, YEAH, BUT I NEED YOU
OO, I NEED YOU
WHOA, I NEED YOU
OO, ALL THIS TIME

Song number two if you haven’t guessed already….

Sweet Child O’ Mine
She’s got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I’d probably break down and cry

Sweet child o’ mine
Sweet love of mine

She’s got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I’d hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o’ mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o’ mine

So due to the wisdom of Axel I am going to keep on with what I am doing. If I don’t see her until she is 18 it won’t be for lack of trying. I will not give up! As much as it hurts to be treated like this I will never stop.She will be able to look back and know that I wanted more than anything to be with her anyway I could. That I continued to try when it seemed hopeless, That I loved her enough to fight even now and never forgot her.

Never thought I would say this but ….. thanks Guns N Roses

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5 Comments

  1. reunionwritings said,

    Letting go doesn’t mean walking away, it means you find your way to survive this impossible situation.

    In the middle of L’s childhood, I was done fighting to get news and left the country and basically never came back. I gave up fighting.

    Now in reunion I often give up fighting for more and amazed at what comes to me when I surrender.

    I so very much hope the parents will do the right thing by you and your daughter and if they don’t I very much wish for you that you can survive this and have a great life. You deserve a great life.

    I’ve been there and know what it’s like to live with the silence, it’s not easy. Sending you a lot of love and power.
    Kim

  2. HeatherRainbow said,

    hugs (((aislin))) Even if we stopped fighting the abductors or aparents, we never give up. Even if you back away and give the time to your children, she will always be in your heart, and these songs will always touch our hearts. Letting go does not mean giving up. It does not mean we stop caring, it means we change directions. Like Kim, I’ve found that when I give up, that is when things happen. Really give up, not just the “I’m pretending to give up to see what happens. Doesn’t work that way.”

    I don’t know why, in life, it seems that the moments we move on, or the moments we let go, what we let go of or moved on from seems to come back to us. Life is surreal.

  3. JadedTears said,

    I also find myself just wanting to throw the towel in. There’s a song I can’t hear without my eyes filling with tears. But there’s something inside that keeps me going, keeps me fighting, keeps me giving despite the lack of respect in return… the love for my son. Some where deep inside we have each other and always will no matter who tries to take that from us. I will never give up!

  4. Kelly said,

    Oh Sweetie,

    How much I miss you. As life took a weird turn for me; I been out of reach for awhile. But Know; you been in my thoughts.

    Hugs,
    Kell

  5. aislin13 said,

    OMG!!!!!! I miss you so much too. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I totally understand the twists and turns life can take. Email me when you can. I have to send you pictures of my Princess. Sending you tons and tons of love

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