What it feels like

May 20, 2008 at 1:18 pm (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, justice) ()

Someone asked me recently what it feels like to be a natural mom. Since I am back in that deep dark pit of dispair I am just going to quote a song that sums it all up quite nicely.

Duality by Slipknot

I push my fingers into my eyes…
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache…
But it’s made of all the things I have to take…
Jesus, it never ends, it works it’s way inside…
If the pain goes on…
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I’ve waited as my time’s elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I’ve wished for this, I’ve bitched at that
I’ve left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I’ve gotta say what I’ve gotta say
And then I swear I’ll go away
But I can’t promise you’ll enjoy the noise
I guess I’ll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You’re left with me ’cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I’m not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me
alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it’s made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it’s way inside
If the pain goes on,
I’m not gonna make it!

All I’ve got…all I’ve got is insane…
All I’ve got…all I’ve got is insane…
All I’ve got…all I’ve got is insane!
All I’ve got…all I’ve got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it’s made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it’s way inside
If the pain goes on,
I’m not gonna make it!

There ya go. That is how it feels day in and day out. It actually doesn’t cover it all but its good enough for now.

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5 Comments

  1. bless58 said,

    ((((adoptee hugs))))))

  2. Possum said,

    Thinking of you Aislin – and sending you hugz.
    Poss.. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  3. JadedTears said,

    2cool song and says so much. from ur heart and pain to mine, something i wish we didn’t have to share.

  4. Sunny said,

    Hope you’re okay. Thinking of you!

  5. Clare said,

    Aislin, you write beautifully and this blog has really opened my eyes. I just read an atom bomb of an article from ABC regarding Guatemala and I wanted to bring it to your attention so I’m just hoping you read your comments soon. I don’t know how to link to the article but if you google ABC News + “U.S Adoptions fueled by Guatemala kidnappings” you’ll find it. It was just written 5/26/08. The article is self explanitory and I think the fact it was written at all – by ABC news no less! – is very encouraging, but, the comments following the story are more disturbing than the story itself! The vast majority of commenters seem to be Americans who adopted infants from Guatemala and they are furious that this is out there. One woman actually complained that these mothers are getting to much attention for their hunger strike and that there are only four victims cited in the article while the number of people who could be “hurt” by this story is higher. I really admire you for your efforts in light of all the suffering you go through every day Aislin. If it helps at all, on this Memorial Day please consider that five years ago this story never would have been published. You deserve credit for helping bring this to the public’s attention. I think the old adoption idol is starting to fall off its pedestal.

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