Broken?

June 29, 2008 at 12:03 pm (adoption)

I got a call from my brother on Monday. He said something was wrong with my grandfather. He gave me the cell number of a cousin to call and find out how bad it was. I knew in my heart it was the end. I didn’t cry.

I called my cousin. She told me he was going to die. It wasn’t a matter of if just a matter of when. He was confused. He didn’t know who anyone was anymore. It started the night before. He was in pain. His lungs were filling up with fluid. They promised to call me after the doctor came back in. I didn’t cry

I called my mother and father to tell them what was going on. I explain everything and gave them phone numbers of aunts and uncles to call. I called my uncle and listened to him cry. I told him I loved him and if he needed me to call any time. I didn’t cry

After dinner my aunt called me from the hospital. The doctor increased his morphine and he didn’t seem to be in pain anymore. They put the phone to his ear so I could talk to him. I told him I loved him. I told him how much I have missed him. I told him how sorry I was that I was 1400 miles away when he needed me. I told him to let go now. I told him it was ok to go be with grandma. I would take care of everyone for him. I hope he heard me. They say he did. I didn’t cry

The phone rang at 4 am. He was gone. He wasn’t in pain anymore. He was with the love of his life. I didn’t cry.

I talked to various aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends. I found out about the service and burial. I tried to find away to make it so far away to be there. My only option was to drive 25 hours with a baby, my brother and a dog. I wanted to go more than anything. Yet everytime I looked at Princess Bean I knew I couldn’t. It wasn’t fair to her. She is way too little to be in a car that long or dealing with strange places and people. I just couldn’t go. I didn’t cry.

Of everyone in my family I was closest to my grandfather. I adored him. He loved me unconditionally. (more than the rest of the family ever did) He was an outsider like me. We understood each other. We have matching tattoos. (how many people can say that) He was the world to me and now he is gone. I am devestated. My heart is broken into so many pieces, I still can’t cry.

Has adoption broken me to the point that I am no longer able to feel? Why can’t I cry? Am I less human after what has happened to me? Why can’t I just freaking cry like a normal person? Please, I just want to cry an ocean.

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7 Comments

  1. kim kim said,

    I’m so very sorry. I adored my grandfather too and had a special bond with him. It’s a huge loss for you.

  2. clare said,

    I’m so sorry aislin

  3. HeatherRainbow said,

    Sorry (((aislin))) I promise you, you are not broken. And, I promise that if you start to cry, you will be able to stop again. Give yourself permission, and the tears will come when they need to. (((hugs)))

  4. Sarah said,

    ((hugs)) I am so sorry!!!

  5. justenjoyhim said,

    I just saw this and I’m so very sorry for your loss. *hugs*

  6. JadedTears said,

    Heather kinda said it all. My love goes out to you.

  7. Mary said,

    Sweetheart, it is ok, and you are not broken.. I still miss both of my grandpa’s, every single day. I adored both of them, and my step-grandpa too.. ((((((((((((((((aislin))))))))))

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