Couldn’t have said it better!!

August 29, 2008 at 11:20 am (adoption)

Suz has an amazing post up. http://writingmywrongs.typepad.com/writing_my_wrongs/2008/08/care-to-play-a.html I bet most people can’t make it half way through

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It ain’t just a river

August 14, 2008 at 12:41 pm (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

Believe by Bravery

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The faces all around me they don’t smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do have time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for

There’s a smell of stale feeling that’s drinking from my skins
The drinking never stops because the drink off all our sins
We sit and throw our roots into the floor
What are we waiting for

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Something’s always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I’ve become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

Ohhhhhhh

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I want so desperately to be in denial rigt now. I want to stop hurting. I want the pain to end. I want to forget. I want to be normal again. I just want to be a person not this thing I have become. I saw her face and it ripped my heart out. I want to be able to look at my daughter without feeling like I am dying. I want to see her smile without thinking its a sign that she doesn’t need me. God there is so much I want.

Please please remind me that she needs me. Tell me that she will be devestated if I disapear. Will she really even care? Would she notice if I was no longer around? Does she even know who I am anymore? Does she hate me?

I want to sink into that sweet denial. Why is even that denied me? If I had any sense at all I would have bled out on the delivery room table.

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