It ain’t just a river

August 14, 2008 at 12:41 pm (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

Believe by Bravery

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The faces all around me they don’t smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do have time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for

There’s a smell of stale feeling that’s drinking from my skins
The drinking never stops because the drink off all our sins
We sit and throw our roots into the floor
What are we waiting for

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Something’s always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I’ve become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

Ohhhhhhh

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I want so desperately to be in denial rigt now. I want to stop hurting. I want the pain to end. I want to forget. I want to be normal again. I just want to be a person not this thing I have become. I saw her face and it ripped my heart out. I want to be able to look at my daughter without feeling like I am dying. I want to see her smile without thinking its a sign that she doesn’t need me. God there is so much I want.

Please please remind me that she needs me. Tell me that she will be devestated if I disapear. Will she really even care? Would she notice if I was no longer around? Does she even know who I am anymore? Does she hate me?

I want to sink into that sweet denial. Why is even that denied me? If I had any sense at all I would have bled out on the delivery room table.

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7 Comments

  1. Clare said,

    Aislin, have you ever read “Stolen Lives-Twenty years in a Desert Prison”? It’s an Oprah book. It’s not really about adoption but it tells the true story of a wealthy aristocratic middle eastern family who lost their daughter to “adoption” when the mother took her five year old daughter to a dinner at the home of a royal family. The emperor decided she would be a nice companion for his own daughter and that was it until the girl was about thirteen and finally convinced them to allow her to go home. About five years later the girl’s father was involved in a coup. The emporer had him killed and the rest of the family including the author stayed in prison for the next two decades. The reason I mention it is that even though the girl was older when she was reunited with her mother their bond was still stong enough to get them through the time in prison and they did all eventually survive and escape to France. The whole book is really a tribute to her mother who went through so much. Maybe you will find it helpful.

  2. aislin13 said,

    Thank you so much Clare. I have not read it but will look for it this weekend. I pray the bond between my daughter and I is as strong. Its just so hard at times.

  3. heatherrainbow said,

    (((Aislin))) The bond between a mother and her child is the strongest bond in the world. She needs you. So often I look at my daughter’s pictures, and she is smiling, and I think the same thoughts. But, these are just poses.

    They don’t send us (or share) pictures of our children crying. Pictures of our children when they say that they want their real mommy. Pictures of their anger, their not fitting in, their constant searching for us in some way or other. They need us, as we need them. It is simply the natural order of things.

  4. Myst said,

    Ohhhhh I relate to this so well… I feel like you have delved into my soul and taken just a little bit out… Thank you for sharing this, it is good to know you are not alone even though it means others have to know this agony (which I wish wasn’t the case). ((((Hugs))))

  5. aislin13 said,

    I think I might know you Myst. When this first happened I joined Origins. I joined the message board for Australia even though I was in the US. Did you ever belong to that forum? I went by a different name there.
    I am so sorry that you can relate. I wish no one could. You are right that it helps to know you aren’t alone but with that comes the wish that no one had to ever feel a pain so profound.

  6. Myst said,

    Yes, I am on that board…still! Its been a bit quiet of late… but I still go on there from time to time. I agree with you. I too wish no one else could relate to this pain. While it is comforting knowing you are not alone in this wilderness, it does make you feel sad anyone else has suffered in the same way. Thanks again for your blog 🙂

  7. Jaded Tears said,

    I agree with Heather about the posed pictures. I never thought of it like that but it is very true. There was a time I wasn’t with my mother and I looked for her every where I went. When the time came that I could be with her again I felt complete. Our babies need us to feel whole, just as we need them. Our day will come and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. =)

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