Again?

October 28, 2008 at 11:36 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, justice) (, , , , , , , , , )

I really hate the fact that something simple can bring me right back to the raw painful feelings that I had the day I lost my daughter. It comes out of the blue and takes weeks to get over. Today I was in the car and heard a song that I could have written just for her.

Staind – Believe Lyrics

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
All I think about is you

And so I cry myself to sleep
And hope the devil I don’t meet
In the dreams that I live through

Believe in me
I know you’ve waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life’s not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

All the smiles you’ve had to fake
And all the shit you’ve had to take
Just to meet us here again

I never have the things to say
To make it all just go away
To make it all just disappear

Believe in me
I know you’ve waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life’s not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

It’s my life
It’s my choice
Hear my words
Here my voice
And just believe

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
And all I think about is you

If you believe in me
Life’s not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Believe in me
I know you’ve waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life’s not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

I’m sure you can see why some of the lyrics made me think of her so deeply. The line that gets me the most is ” I was made for chasing dreams” Not many people know why i named my daughter what I did or even what I named her. I’ve kept that mostly to myself.

Her name means a dream. I named her when I was 5 months pregnant. I named her dream because that is what she is to me. She was my dream come true.  She is my dream come true. Yeah my dream was for her to be with me but she is no less special or wonderful because she is 200 miles away. i don’t love her less. I don’t worry about her less. I am not less proud of everything she does. She is not less beautiful. She is no less part of me than if she was here. She is and will always be my dream, my world, my everything.

I will chase my dream forever if I have to. I will never give up on her. I will be here forever and always waiting. I love you my dream girl.

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5 Comments

  1. lissa said,

    Hi Aislin,

    I too hate the overwhelming pain that grips me relentlessly. I know your pain well, I am sad to say. I lost my daughter to adoption over 18 years ago. I am desperate to get in touch with her and tell her the truth of my/our situation. I am convinced she has been told a “sanitized” version of the terrible events from a lifetime ago to suit her adoptive caregiver’s wishes. I know they have told her that I was “brave” and did the “best thing for this baby”. I am so insulted and torn apart by their language. Frankly, I think they were brave… to take another woman’s child. How do they sleep at night?? They must stop referring to MY DAUGHTER as “the child, or this child”. They are attempting to distance me from my daughter with their specific use of that language. If I hear the term “birthmother” again, I will lose it. We are mothers. Our children’s mothers. I am her mother… they know the truth of that despite their desperation and determination to think otherwise. I never let them take away my motherhood. But in the end, they win. Not me, and certainly not my daughter. As long as they got what they wanted. For the right price. It makes me sick. And my daughter was forced to live with those people. That scares me.

    I hope and pray that she doesn’t hate me or want to know me. I am suffering from devastating pain, guilt, and rage constantly at what was done to us. I was coerced into surrending my beautiful and precious daughter. I want to make things right. I need to take away her pain, anger, doubts… I am so devastated that I can never undo this damage. Why does society think adoption is a wonderful thing? It ruins a family to create a lie. Our children lose in this. I can only try to make it better… if she will give me that chance. I am praying for that chance. The only thing that has gotten me through the past 18 years is the hope that I will have my daughter back in my life.

    I recently found your blog. I didn’t know (after 18 years!!) that there was help and support for those who have gone through this devastating loss. I have been forced to keep this to myself for more than half my life! No one wants to be inconvenienced by my pain and anger and have to face their own guilt in this. Too damn bad! Everyone told me to just ‘move on with your life’. How could they possibly tell me that it would get better? It gets worse every day. No one would listen to me. I have learned over the past few months exactly how manipulative and determined the baby brokers were to separate us… for their own material gain. I screamed that it was wrong. They praised me and treated me with contempt at the same time (the baby brokers, doctors, lawyers, social workers, teachers, my parents, my ex and his parents – ‘you’re doing a wonderful thing for a couple who can’t have children’ and ‘how can you be so selfish to think that you can be a better mother to THIS baby’.) I was NOT responsible for their infertility. Their pain doesn’t begin to match that of those of us who have lost our children. If they think adoption is so bloody wonderful, tell me, which of their children are they WILLING to surrender?

    I just want this to end. I don’t know how much longer I can live with this. It feels like a living death sentence. I have often thought it would have been kinder if they had killed me.

    Sorry for the rant… we have all suffered from similar methods of coercion and manipulation and the devastating loss of our babies. Did they truly believe that our children deserved to suffer for their aims? Did they not care about their fear and pain of being separated from their mothers and fathers?

    I can’t take this hell anymore. I have to believe that I will have a chance to have my daughter in my life again. I have waited for so long. I only care about my beautiful girl and how she feels. I hope her adoptive caregivers respect her feelings and allow them as valid. I hope they put their insecurity aside for the “best interests of my daughter”.

    It’s her choice now. I have to say that I could never have foretold or guessed that I would have a small amount of relief in knowing that it is now HER choice. Not the lawyers, not the social workers, not my parents, not the adoptive caregivers… they can’t control this anymore. And I will respect her wishes. Someone has to have some respect here. The damage is done… but they can’t stop us from reclaiming what was taken from us anymore.

    best wishes to you Aislin,
    Lissa

  2. aislin13 said,

    Oh Lissa, I think I have written almost all of those words before. Its such utter bullshit. I often wish I had just had enough sence to bleed out on the delivery table. I am one of the moms that did try to end the pain. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so mad when my SO came home early and caught me. All I could think was why did you keep me alive just to be in this pain. Now I am happy he caught me. The thought of my daughter finding my grave rips my heart out. I think we all live for that one chance that our children will come home. I know I do.
    Oh I tried to email you with passwords but it got sent back to me. I will try again now. Just know you aren’t alone in this anymore. You can email me anytime. I am on AIM a lot too if you ever need a shoulder

  3. lhjh4 said,

    I had the same reaction when I heard this song for the first time.

  4. lissa said,

    Aislin,
    I am somewhat comforted knowing others can relate to this pain… it’s very hard to explain to someone who has no understanding of the devastating pain and anger that becomes our lives over the loss of our children. The loss that rips us apart every day. I wish no one could relate to this. It’s very cruel.
    I wanted to end everything but the hope that I would have the chance to have my daughter in my life again is what has kept me going. I just want to be able to hold her in my arms again and tell her how much she is loved and how horribly I have missed her. It’s very hard to live on hope.
    I have been reading posts online – from both parents and people who have been adopted – and it’s hard to know that some adoptees really don’t have any interest in contacting their natural parents. I respect their choice, but wish I could tell them that most if not all of us who have lost our children would be so happy to have that chance to talk and explain our situations. And they could tell us how they feel. I know I wouldn’t want my daughter to try to hide her feelings… be brutally honest… I promise we will be too. I would accept my daughter’s pain and anger and wouldn’t try to make it better with bullshit stories to make it better. But I would try to take away that pain. Perhaps it’s facing the truth that is frightening. Not just about us, but their adoptive parents as well. I don’t know if they know how desperately long we have waited to be able to have them back in our lives. I also understand that some adoptees feel that their adoptive parents are their “real” family. There are so many definitions of family… our friends and pets are family. We aren’t trying to take that away from them. It also makes me feel terrible when they write that “my bmom gave me up – she made a choice”. I assume that for those adoptive parents who did talk about us to our children, we were referred to as “birth parents”. My point is, we didn’t “give them up”. I hate that expression. We LOST and WERE FORCED TO SURRENDER our children to strangers! Most of us fought like hell to keep our children. Wouldn’t they do the same? I screamed and cried that it was wrong. After 18 years my hope is dying.
    Aislin, I haven’t received your password. I don’t know what ‘AIM’ is?? I can try to find you there.

  5. Michael Tim said,

    I love your site!

    _____________________
    Experiencing a slow PC recently? Fix it now!

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