Cruelty
Well it sure didn’t take long for the nastiness to start up again. There is a lovely “person” attacking Myst on her blog again. You can see it here but be warned it is pretty brutal. http://mystere1998.blogspot.com/
I shouldn’t be but I am always shocked when I see this level of cruelty to a mother that is obviously grieving. I’m left to wonder why it is ok to do this to natural mothers. I have never seen any other group of people attacked so frequently. Never once have I seen a mother that miscarried told it was her fault and she should take responsibility. Or my all time fav, that she shouldn’t have opened her legs in the first place. Usually it is seen as a bad thing to kick someone when they are down. Not so with natural mothers. It is open season on our heads at all times. No insult is too low and no subject is off limits. Why is this?
It seems that us telling our stories threatens some people. We are supposed to shut up and fade into the background like natural mothers did for so many years. The internet has allowed us to network with other mothers in a way we never could before. Suddenly our story which seemed like it had to be an isolated incident was being repeated by mother after mother. It became shockingly clear to many of us that these things happen a lot. We now have the ability and the moral obligation to speak out about the injustices done to us to try to prevent others from being victimized. Normally that is seen as noble. Not so for us. For us it paints a big target on our backs.
There is one tiny good thing that comes out of all the cruelty thrown our way. It proves many of our points. It shows the insensitive monsters for who and what they are. It is a shining example of how we were and are treated. It shows expectant mothers considering adoption what they are in for once the ink is dry on those papers. So bravo! Keep on doing some of the work for us. We will use every single word against you.
Haiti
I have been trying to think of how to express my feelings and fears about the current situation in Haiti for over a week now. I keep writing and then worrying about how it will be read so I just trash the whole post. Lucky for me someone put my feelings in words for me so all i have to do is link
This post is very well written and brings up most of my major fears. Children are already going missing from hospitals. Do people really want to adopt so desperately that they will do it at any cost? Would you be able to sleep at night if you found out the “orphan” you adopted has a family that was searching for them and now cries out every night for the child they are missing? I say yet again, there has to be a better way.
I’m just going to add links that I find relevant as I find them
http://bastardette.blogspot.com/2010/01/its-not-about-haiti-damn-it-its-about.html
Insight
I have been reading a few blogs tonight and everyone is having such insightful posts. I was stuck for hours on Myst’s what is anti adoption post. I read some posts from enlighten adoptive parents about their kids. I was formulating my oh so insightful post in my head most of the night. (I won’t tell you what it is because I am still going to write it) I got Princess Bean to bed, started up the computer and got read to write. The general feeling of blah settled over me. I didn’t feel like writing something insightful and deep. I didn’t feel like reading anything. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all.
So I gave up after an hour of staring at the blank screen. I went to play Pet Society and be unproductive. That was ok for a while. I didn’t have to think at all and could just vegetate. I talked to my darling friend T and told her I was moody. I say I am moody a lot. I told her I don’t feel like writing. I told her I was worried I would be mean if I wrote. She being very smart told me worrying is what always keeps me from writing. So with her final just do it I gave in.
I started thinking about why I feared being mean tonight. I have been down the last couple of days. At first I thought the blog wars had bothered me more than I realized. No that’s not it. I still really have no emotions tied to that. Maybe I am down because my mom got laid off and I know that will mean more financial stress on me. While stressful that still isn’t it. Then it smacked me square in the chest
I miss my daughter. I always miss her. She is never out of my mind or heart. But tonight I miss her with a desperation I can not describe. I ache for her. I would give anything to feel her in my arms at this moment. To smell her beautiful blonde hair. To feel her curls tickle my nose. Hear her giggle and squeal with delight. To hear her soft breathing as she sleeps. I would gladly lay down and die for just one minute alone with her.
Even though she is not with me, she is my world. I need for that to be ok but it isn’t. People don’t like to hear this part of adoption. All they want to hear is the happy “I did the right thing” crap. The moment you start talking about this part you are bitter, angry and mentally ill. They don’t want to hear about the long nights of crying. The longing for a small crumb of our child’s life. That is too real.
So tonight I will look at the pictures I have of the little girl I will never know. I will cry. I will long for something that will never happen. I will miss my baby. Maybe tomorrow I can be insightful
For Shannan with love
I met a woman the other night through a huge blow up over on Mary’s blog ( I won’t link it but you can find it if you so desire) This woman made a hurtful comment that had us all up in arms. Quickly she saw what it was that had us upset. She made a very heartfelt and sincere apology. It probably seemed normal to her to apologize. Nothing special just something you do. Well, I was floored. It is so rare that anyone even cares that they have hurt the feelings of us mothers. Usually we just get a “sorry you are hurt, I hope you find peace I will pray for you”. Yet here she was saying she was very sorry she had said that and she did not think before typing. (yeah how many times have I done that) It really touched me that she came back to try to make amends. She has shown a desire to learn about our side of adoption. IMO learning is never a bad thing.
I wanted to repost something I wrote all the way back on 2007. I think it is vital that people understand how I feel on this subject. I so often accused of hating anyone that adopts. So with much respect, this is for you Shannan.
I haven’t posted much lately because, quite frankly. the online adoption community has been making me sick. Its probably my fault. I know these people are out there. I should prepare myself better. I should be stronger but I’m just not. I read certain things and they are like a knife in my heart. It gets to be too much so I just stay away. I mean really, how many times can I be expected to read the same line of crap about how horrible, selfish and unfit first moms are?
So I figured something out while I was away. There are two distinct groups of people that adopt. There are adopters and adoptive parents. These two groups are like night and day. one group I find myself respecting and the other I loath.
I most commonly come in contact with adopters. (sucks for me) Adopters piss me off more than anything in this world. (well maybe not adoption professionals) They say things like “you were put in the wrong tummy”. Lovely things like “Our daughter’s birth parents had no business raising our daughter”. They refer to first mothers as incubators. Since I am not adopted I won’t go into what this does to the poor children they have adopted. I am sure I can’t do it justice. I will let that part wait for someone else to write. Needless to say I hate hate hate adopters!
When I first started reaching out online I thought everyone that adopted was an adopter. I saw them all as my enemy. I hated them all. Then something strange happened. People that I thought were my enemy started reaching out to me. I was confused. How could they say that what happened to me was so wrong when they had an adopted child? I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I know now it was just my pain speaking. Thanks to the wonderful people that commented here and spoke to me on forums I know know adoptive parents exist.
Adoptive parents are the complete opposite of adopters. They believe in ethical adoption practices. They respect their child’s first family. They are kind and have big hearts. A perfect example of this can be found here
Found out the link was to old so here is a new one. I love this post but I really suggest you all look around. The whole blog touches my heart http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/a-lot-of-ramblin/
.I suggest you go read it. People like this do my heart good. They give me some hope. They are Adoptive Parents.
One More Time
My favorite blogger of the new year is at it again. She has two posts I want to address this time.
http://gracecomesbyhearing.blogspot.com/2010/01/all-comments-arent-published.html
The first is fairly easy. I was apparently not the only one frustrated by the fact that she claims to want a debate but refuses to post most of the comments that disagree with her. I can not speak for everyone who commented on her blog. However, I commented 4 times and not one was published. I never used a single vulgar word. Never called her the evil “c” word. Never said she stole her child. Never said she was a bad person. I did say she was very ill-informed. I also did tell her I was going to blog about her post. Since I have dealt with people who twist words before I decided to save my last comment before I submitted it.
“Are you actually going to post comments this time? I don’t have the time or energy to type out a comment for it to end up in the trash file. I will check back tonight to see if you are. If not I will just post on my blog.”
When I linked her last post I also sent her a comment telling her I was linking to her. I explained in that post I always tell a blogger when I link to them. I have always had people send me a little note when they link to me. Personally I think it is polite to do so. I would hate for someone to stumble upon it and feel like I was talking about them behind their back. I guess manners are more important to some people than others. So basically there was never any snide threat to bash her on another blog if she didn’t post comments. Just a the same courtesy I extended before.
Now that is out of the way on to the nitty gritty. http://gracecomesbyhearing.blogspot.com/2010/01/valid-reason-needed-part-2.html
I have no clue why she has decided to keep calling out this one blogger. While she is worried that people considering adoption will be scared off by hearing the stories of mothers that were deeply hurt by adoption, I hope for it. If people adopting were pushing for more ethical adoptions and making sure the mother of the child they hope to adopt was not being pressured, tricked or forced in to it, I think that is a good thing.
I stand by the fact that God would not approve of the way adoption is practiced today. God does want us to care for the less fortunate. Orphans should be taken care of but are we even talking about orphans? The children adopted in DIA are not orphans. They have mothers and fathers. The orphan thing just doesn’t fly here. Twisting the bible to be pro adoption is the very same thing she is accusing the anti crowd of doing. If Jesus was adopted by Joseph in modern-day adoption then God would no longer legally be his father. He would have grown up simply being the son of Joseph. Mary would have been pressured to give her son to a “more deserving” family. And the history of an entire religion would have been erased. Let’s not forget Jesus wouldn’t have been able to have access to his original identity unless Joseph gave it to him. Adoption in that part of the world at that time was very very different from what is practiced now in western societies. The comparison can’t even be made.
The simple dismissal of the BSE is appalling. It went on far longer than just the 1950s. Some of it still goes on now. The only real thing that has changed is the tactics. In the last 3 years there was a story of 3 young pregnant girls sent to a maternity home by their parents. These girls broke out and were hunted down. If the times have changed so much then why did this happen? Agencies spend million to figure out the best way to manipulate pregnant women into surrendering. They spend just as much on “birthmother outreach”. Do you know what that phrase means? It means they contact anyone who might be in contact with unwed pregnant women in hopes of their agency being pushed. Women aren’t even safe at their own OB/GYN at this point. Going to Walmart holds the same danger as wanna be adoptive parents are putting their calling cards in maternity clothes and handing out their profile cards to pregnant women that aren’t wearing a wedding ring. Social workers show up in doctor’s offices and hospital rooms to push adoption. Adoption workers flood the hospital the moment anyone they have ever had contact with goes into labor. Babies are rushed out of the delivery room to keep their mother’s from seeing them. Mother’s are stitched up after delivery with no pain medication. (I was one of them so don’t dare tell me it doesn’t happen) Look up the term hot boxing because that is common when a mother starts to change her mind. Things have not changed nearly as much as you wish they have.
All you have to do to see where she got her information about “open” adoption from is talk to mothers. The agency never once told me it was not enforceable. They told me I could see my child once a month until she was 18. When I revoked my consent to the adoption they threatened to tell the adoptive parents I was dangerous and make sure I never saw her again. I asked how they could do that if we signed a contract. It’s not legal! Can you imagine the horror of finding that out? It happens over and over to women every day. Read some of the agency websites. Never once is it mentioned that it is not legally enforceable. If your agency actually told the mother of your child that then bravo to them. they are truly rare.
As to the happiness of parties in adoption you can not know that. Even in your own case. What do you think the adoptive parents of my child would tell you about my happiness if you asked them? They would say that while it was painful at first I am happy with my decision and have moved on with my life knowing the child is happy. You know why? For my child’s sake I play the game. I pretend I am happy. I smile and pretend adoption is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I will not risk losing what little contact I have by being honest. It is vital that she get to see me and her siblings. It will benefit her in the long run so I give away my soul piece by piece for her. Every mother I know in an “open” adoption does the same thing. All these “happy” moms end up in support groups and forums with Myst and I.
The sad thing to me is that you missed the entire point of Myst’s blog post. In an effort to defend your family you totally overlooked what she was saying. If women and children are being hurt we need to find a better way. It is not acceptable to throw them under the bus because some people are happy. With all your blogging I have yet to see a valid reason either
For Real?? You’re Kidding Right?
I was brought to my attention last night that there is a blog written by an adopter that has linked several mothers that I know as well as a couple adoptees. This “blogger” has just discovered the horror that some people don’t believe adoption is all sunshine and rainbows. People that think families should not be destroyed to create another “family” and that people are not interchangeable is just shocking to her. If you have the stomach for it, you can read the whole thing here
http://gracecomesbyhearing.blogspot.com/2009/12/best-hope.html
I want to touch on a couple of things from her post and since her comments are on moderation I will be doing it here.
While I do agree many of the people in the adoption reform movement have had bad experiences with adoption it in no way negates the need for reform. That is like saying that a rape victim just had a bad experience so there really isn’t any need for tougher laws. It is also not just women in this movement. There are quite a few male adoptees and fathers that fight the good fight right along side the women. Some of us are totally anti adoption (myself included) and some of us are not. You really must not have read very much if you didn’t notice that. Some of our supporters are adoptive parents that have seen the truth of what is being done to acquire these babies for people willing to pay the fees. Most people with any compassion or empathy would want to stop a corrupt system that profits from snatching babies from their mother’s breast and selling them to the highest bidder.
As for the woman’s story you link, It should make you cry. it should make you weep for that family. Drugging a woman that has just given birth is evil. That woman had a very complicated delivery that ended in an emergency c section. They tied her tubes “while they were in there” making it impossible for her to ever have another child. If she had signed a contract to buy a freaking lawnmower while under that amount of medication, after a major surgery, while still bleeding in her hospital bed it would never hold up in court. Yet because the word adoption is on the paper it was perfectly legal for them to get her to sign away her much beloved son. The son she had already named and who’s siblings were waiting for at home. This should make you do more than shed a few tears. It should make you rage for a mother, father and 3 children whose lives are utterly destroyed.
Make no mistake, their lives were destroyed. They will never be ok. They might live, laugh, love and enjoy aspects of life but forever their will be an empty spot beside them where that little boy should be. Do you have any idea where that woman is now, 4 yrs later? I do. She is trying to survive for the child she has left. She spends all night curled up n the couch crying and looking at pictures of that baby. She tries anything to forget for even one second that her baby is out there being raised by people that used her and lied to her. It doesn’t work. It never works. She remembers every second with every cell in her body and it is killing her. How do I know? Because I am the one talking her down at 4 in the morning when she doesn’t think she can go on any longer. I am the one holding her hand all night long. I am the one scared to death every time his birthday rolls around tat she will do something understandable but tragic. I am the one that has to watch her self destruct with guilt and pain while I am powerless to stop it.
So you are damn right we are angry. No one in their right mind wouldn’t be angry when faced with this hell. I am not mad at God. I am angry at people. Evil selfish people who use others for selfishness and greed and then throw them away like garbage. These acts are not God’s plan. It is offensive for you to even suggest that they are. God does not destroy one family to “build” another. God does not approve of lying and stealing to get what you want. Jesus preached of loving our neighbors and taking care of them not stealing children because you have more money. Evil acts are NEVER God’s plan. God weeps when he sees his children treat each other this way. So don’t feed me your God’s plan crap. That is all it is crap. Why isn’t it God’s plan for the infertile to remain childless then? It sucks when the shoe is on the other foot huh?
I won’t even get into your dribble about blank slates, second best or the way you make sure to type “natural mother” every single time tonight. I have used up enough energy on you for one evening. Oh and if you are going to try to take us on at least have the guts to post comments
Resolutions
Its the beginning of a new year and with that comes resolutions. I have many resolutions. Some are the typical kind to do things like lose weight, be more active and be nicer to my brother. I know most of that won’t happen. (sorry bro) I have a few resolutions of the adoption nature.
My big one is to write at least one entry on this blog a week. It sounds so easy but I know it will be very very hard for me to keep. Anyone in the adoption community knows how cruel it can be. Heartless comments and personal attacks are an every day occurence. I think we all know that natural mothers take more than their fair share of that. Its easy to hurt them. Its not very hard to know what to say to twist the knife in their heart. Before my break the comments had been getting to me more than I could deal with. This led me to my second resolution
Boundaries, they aren’t just for adoptees and APs anymore. I am setting some pretty major boundaries for this blog. I was trying not to hurt so many people that I was hurting myself. I will not do that anymore. On this blog mothers that have lost children to adoption are mothers or at the natural mothers. They are not birth anything and even first will not be permitted in some cases. If you comment with the b words I will simply edit it to say natural. I hate to do that but its my blog and I am sick of the disrespect.
On the subject of language, I will refer to people that adopt on a case to case basis. I have met some people that have adopted that truly understand what is happening in the adoption industry and I refer to them as adoptive parents. Why? Because they show me respect and I return the favor. The whole two way street thing. However, if you are an asshat that happens to have adopted you will be refered to as an adopter or worse. I will not hold punches anymore for people that swing with everything they have.
So there ya have it folks. This new year you do not get a kinder gentler Aislin. I tried that and it sucked. You get a more direct, stronger and honest Aislin. If you don’t like it I am truly sorry but no one is forcing you to read.
Aborted Mother 