One More Time

January 5, 2010 at 11:37 am (adoption, adoption reform, adoptive parent, first mother) (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, adoptive, adoptive parent, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, idiots, natural mother)

My favorite blogger of the new year is at it again. She has two posts I want to address this time.

http://gracecomesbyhearing.blogspot.com/2010/01/all-comments-arent-published.html

The first is fairly easy. I was apparently not the only one frustrated by the fact that she claims to want a debate but refuses to post most of the comments that disagree with her. I can not speak for everyone who commented on her blog. However, I commented 4 times and not one was published. I never used a single vulgar word. Never called her the evil “c” word. Never said she stole her child. Never said she was a bad person. I did say she was very ill-informed. I also did tell her I was going to blog about her post. Since I have dealt with people who twist words before I decided to save my last comment before I submitted it.

“Are you actually going to post comments this time? I don’t have the time or energy to type out a comment for it to end up in the trash file. I will check back tonight to see if you are. If not I will just post on my blog.”

When I linked her last post I also sent her a comment telling her I was linking to her. I explained in that post I always tell a blogger when I link to them. I have always had people send me a little note when they link to me. Personally I think it is polite to do so. I would hate for someone to stumble upon it and feel like I was talking about them behind their back. I guess manners are more important to some people than others. So basically there was never any snide threat to bash her on another blog if she didn’t post comments. Just a the same courtesy I extended before.

Now that is out of the way on to the nitty gritty. http://gracecomesbyhearing.blogspot.com/2010/01/valid-reason-needed-part-2.html

I have no clue why she has decided to keep calling out this one blogger. While she is worried that people considering adoption will be scared off by hearing the stories of mothers that were deeply hurt by adoption, I hope for it. If people adopting were pushing for more ethical adoptions and making sure the mother of the child they hope to adopt was not being pressured, tricked or forced in to it, I think that is a good thing.

I stand by the fact that God would not approve of the way adoption is practiced today. God does want us to care for the less fortunate. Orphans should be taken care of but are we even talking about orphans? The children adopted in DIA are not orphans. They have mothers and fathers. The orphan thing just doesn’t fly here. Twisting the bible to be pro adoption is the very same thing she is accusing the anti crowd of doing. If Jesus was adopted by Joseph in modern-day adoption then God would no longer legally be his father. He would have grown up simply being the son of Joseph. Mary would have been pressured to give her son to a “more deserving” family. And the history of an entire religion would have been erased. Let’s not forget Jesus wouldn’t have been able to have access to his original identity unless Joseph gave it to him. Adoption in that part of the world at that time was very very different from what is practiced now in western societies. The comparison can’t even be made.

The simple dismissal of the BSE is appalling. It went on far longer than just the 1950s. Some of it still goes on now. The only real thing that has changed is the tactics. In the last 3 years there was a story of 3 young pregnant girls sent to a maternity home by their parents. These girls broke out and were hunted down. If the times have changed so much then why did this happen? Agencies spend million to figure out the best way to manipulate pregnant women into surrendering. They spend just as much on “birthmother outreach”. Do you know what that phrase means? It means they contact anyone who might be in contact with unwed pregnant women in hopes of their agency being pushed. Women aren’t even safe at their own OB/GYN at this point. Going to Walmart holds the same danger as wanna be adoptive parents are putting their calling cards in maternity clothes and handing out their profile cards to pregnant women that aren’t wearing a wedding ring. Social workers show up in doctor’s offices and hospital rooms to push adoption. Adoption workers flood the hospital the moment anyone they have ever had contact with goes into labor. Babies are rushed out of the delivery room to keep their mother’s from seeing them. Mother’s are stitched up after delivery with no pain medication. (I was one of them so don’t dare tell me it doesn’t happen) Look up the term hot boxing because that is common when a mother starts to change her mind. Things have not changed nearly as much as you wish they have.

All you have to do to see where she got her information about “open” adoption from is talk to mothers. The agency never once told me it was not enforceable. They told me I could see my child once a month until she was 18. When I revoked my consent to the adoption they threatened to tell the adoptive parents I was dangerous and make sure I never saw her again. I asked how they could do that if we signed a contract. It’s not legal! Can you imagine the horror of finding that out? It happens over and over to women every day. Read some of the agency websites. Never once is it mentioned that it is not legally enforceable. If your agency actually told the mother of your child that then bravo to them. they are truly rare.

As to the happiness of parties in adoption you can not know that. Even in your own case. What do you think the adoptive parents of my child would tell you about my happiness if you asked them? They would say that while it was painful at first I am happy with my decision and have moved on with my life knowing the child is happy. You know why? For my child’s sake I play the game. I pretend I am happy. I smile and pretend adoption is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I will not risk losing what little contact I have by being honest. It is vital that she get to see me and her siblings. It will benefit her in the long run so I give away my soul piece by piece for her. Every mother I know in an “open” adoption does the same thing. All these “happy” moms end up in support groups and forums with Myst and I.

The sad thing to me is that you missed the entire point of Myst’s blog post. In an effort to defend your family you totally overlooked what she was saying. If women and children are being hurt we need to find a better way. It is not acceptable to throw them under the bus because some people are happy. With all your blogging I have yet to see a valid reason either

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