One More Time

January 5, 2010 at 11:37 am (adoption, adoption reform, adoptive parent, first mother) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

My favorite blogger of the new year is at it again. She has two posts I want to address this time.

The first is fairly easy. I was apparently not the only one frustrated by the fact that she claims to want a debate but refuses to post most of the comments that disagree with her. I can not speak for everyone who commented on her blog. However, I commented 4 times and not one was published. I never used a single vulgar word. Never called her the evil “c” word. Never said she stole her child. Never said she was a bad person. I did say she was very ill-informed. I also did tell her I was going to blog about her post. Since I have dealt with people who twist words before I decided to save my last comment before I submitted it.

“Are you actually going to post comments this time? I don’t have the time or energy to type out a comment for it to end up in the trash file. I will check back tonight to see if you are. If not I will just post on my blog.”

When I linked her last post I also sent her a comment telling her I was linking to her. I explained in that post I always tell a blogger when I link to them. I have always had people send me a little note when they link to me. Personally I think it is polite to do so. I would hate for someone to stumble upon it and feel like I was talking about them behind their back. I guess manners are more important to some people than others. So basically there was never any snide threat to bash her on another blog if she didn’t post comments. Just a the same courtesy I extended before.

Now that is out of the way on to the nitty gritty.

I have no clue why she has decided to keep calling out this one blogger. While she is worried that people considering adoption will be scared off by hearing the stories of mothers that were deeply hurt by adoption, I hope for it. If people adopting were pushing for more ethical adoptions and making sure the mother of the child they hope to adopt was not being pressured, tricked or forced in to it, I think that is a good thing.

I stand by the fact that God would not approve of the way adoption is practiced today. God does want us to care for the less fortunate. Orphans should be taken care of but are we even talking about orphans? The children adopted in DIA are not orphans. They have mothers and fathers. The orphan thing just doesn’t fly here. Twisting the bible to be pro adoption is the very same thing she is accusing the anti crowd of doing. If Jesus was adopted by Joseph in modern-day adoption then God would no longer legally be his father. He would have grown up simply being the son of Joseph. Mary would have been pressured to give her son to a “more deserving” family. And the history of an entire religion would have been erased. Let’s not forget Jesus wouldn’t have been able to have access to his original identity unless Joseph gave it to him. Adoption in that part of the world at that time was very very different from what is practiced now in western societies. The comparison can’t even be made.

The simple dismissal of the BSE is appalling. It went on far longer than just the 1950s. Some of it still goes on now. The only real thing that has changed is the tactics. In the last 3 years there was a story of 3 young pregnant girls sent to a maternity home by their parents. These girls broke out and were hunted down. If the times have changed so much then why did this happen? Agencies spend million to figure out the best way to manipulate pregnant women into surrendering. They spend just as much on “birthmother outreach”. Do you know what that phrase means? It means they contact anyone who might be in contact with unwed pregnant women in hopes of their agency being pushed. Women aren’t even safe at their own OB/GYN at this point. Going to Walmart holds the same danger as wanna be adoptive parents are putting their calling cards in maternity clothes and handing out their profile cards to pregnant women that aren’t wearing a wedding ring. Social workers show up in doctor’s offices and hospital rooms to push adoption. Adoption workers flood the hospital the moment anyone they have ever had contact with goes into labor. Babies are rushed out of the delivery room to keep their mother’s from seeing them. Mother’s are stitched up after delivery with no pain medication. (I was one of them so don’t dare tell me it doesn’t happen) Look up the term hot boxing because that is common when a mother starts to change her mind. Things have not changed nearly as much as you wish they have.

All you have to do to see where she got her information about “open” adoption from is talk to mothers. The agency never once told me it was not enforceable. They told me I could see my child once a month until she was 18. When I revoked my consent to the adoption they threatened to tell the adoptive parents I was dangerous and make sure I never saw her again. I asked how they could do that if we signed a contract. It’s not legal! Can you imagine the horror of finding that out? It happens over and over to women every day. Read some of the agency websites. Never once is it mentioned that it is not legally enforceable. If your agency actually told the mother of your child that then bravo to them. they are truly rare.

As to the happiness of parties in adoption you can not know that. Even in your own case. What do you think the adoptive parents of my child would tell you about my happiness if you asked them? They would say that while it was painful at first I am happy with my decision and have moved on with my life knowing the child is happy. You know why? For my child’s sake I play the game. I pretend I am happy. I smile and pretend adoption is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I will not risk losing what little contact I have by being honest. It is vital that she get to see me and her siblings. It will benefit her in the long run so I give away my soul piece by piece for her. Every mother I know in an “open” adoption does the same thing. All these “happy” moms end up in support groups and forums with Myst and I.

The sad thing to me is that you missed the entire point of Myst’s blog post. In an effort to defend your family you totally overlooked what she was saying. If women and children are being hurt we need to find a better way. It is not acceptable to throw them under the bus because some people are happy. With all your blogging I have yet to see a valid reason either



  1. Myst1998 said,

    Wow Ailsin, that was fabulous.

    I have to admit, I didn’t send her a note when I linked her blog… I was so shocked, I blogged!

    Thank you for so eloquently explaining some more of the atrocities that occur to young mothers over in the US. Being in Australia, I do not hear all the horror stories, in fact I usually only hear about the ‘good’ stories or how some poor baby was left in a dumpster. The media only picks out what it wants to… and we rarely hear of the stories of mothers being hunted down although they need to be heard!

    I can’t believe she twisted what you said… it wasn’t a threat merely letting her know either way your voice would be heard. I am not sure why she has this war mentality, as if we are the enemy?

    Spot on about your biblical refererences too… I spoke to my father tonight (he was a minister) and as someone who can quote too much of the bible, I mentioned a few things from the bible this lady had said happened and he was amazed and amused that people would twist it like that. I really like your points about Jesus, so very true!

    And yes, I am yet to see a valid reason for the continuation of adoption. I guess there are none.

    Take care,
    Myst xxx

  2. aislin13 said,

    She most rudely linked to you first. If someone links to me and tries to rip apart my personal truth then I am not so polite. Its just game on. Honestly, you were way ncer to her than I would have been. Of course I am sick and cranky right now lol

    I think I am going to take a cue from you and stop engaging with her at this point. (unless there is something I just can’t ignore) She twists everyone’s words to fit her own needs warping the original meaning eyond repair. Its like beating your head against a brick wall. I am only willing to spend so much time and energy on a person that is willfully ignorant. People with truly open minds and hearts that wish to hear our stories and opions( even if they disagree) I will talk to all day long. People that have the deperate need to defend their views even when faced with evidence to the contrary just drain me. We tried to enlighten her. Our job is done.

    O do really wish people would just leave the bible out of the whole thing. Religion is not proof for anything. It never has been and never will be. The bible has so many versions and has been historically twisted to suit the needs of the reader. Not only that but bring the bible into any debate assumes that everyone is christian or that christianity is the better religion. When people bring God into debates I tend to see it as a last ditch effort because all logic and reason has failed. I do enjoy spouting God right back at them though. I guess even us lowly women can know about God. They always seem so shocked lol

  3. MaryReunited said,

    She just doesn’t stop does she? I am working on a post as well- Seriously this crap is vomit inducing~

  4. aislin13 said,

    yeah and you know how I feel about liars

  5. eagoodlife said,

    You bet we need to find a better way.

  6. Rebecca said,

    WoW! I just spent all night reading your blog aislin and I think its sad that you all are so bitter and hateful towards adoption. I hope the best for you I truly do. I hope that you can learn to see the situation from all sides not just your bad experience. Its very sad. Best of luck to you!!

  7. MaryReunited said,

    Aislen go check my latest post comments! Guess who posted for me all anon and stealth like! Send me that link we talked about last night again! So I can link her to my blog mmkay?

  8. MaryReunited said,

    Liar suck azz Aislin! I posted a new blog today go read chica!

  9. aislin13 said,

    Oh Rebecca, I find it sad that you feel the need to run around assigning anger and bitterness in a very obvious effort to dismiss people’s feelings, experiences and truth. I think having your baby stolen is a bit more than just a bad experience. Going to the dentist and not being fully numb before you tooth is pulled is a bad experience. I don’t think “bad experience” sums it up. It is really dismissive and frankly, pisses me off. I hope you can see past your good experience and see the truth of the words these mothers and adoptees are writing
    Ummmm what side of the situation am I supposed to see exactly? The side of the agency that sold my daughter for $30,000? The side of the adopters that know every single thing the agency did that is illegal but just wished me luck and kept my baby anyway? Oh maybe the side no one ever mentions, the side of my daughter that will grow up and find out the truth one day and be devestated. You see she is the one that will be hurt most of all. She will one day find out that she was very much wanted by both of her parents. She will know the lies that were used to steal her. She will see the life she could have had with her siblings but was robbed of. She will see the lies her beloved parents told to aquire her. It won’t be me that hurts her with this information. It is all documented in court papers. If she even attempts to look for any adoption papers it will show up. So that is the side I will worry about. My child is hurt. As a mother I m angry. Any good mother would be. So get over yourself. I have looked at all sides. I will defend mothers and adoptees to my dying day because I know it is what is right and it is time our children stopped being hurt

  10. lillie said,

    I read that blog. And you know, what strikes me as funny is, the URL of her blog is “grace comes by hearing” yet she refuses to hear.

  11. aislin13 said,

    I noticed that too Lillie. I guess grace isn’t coming her way anytime soon

  12. Myst1998 said,

    WOW! I find it sad that people like Rebecca feel the need to dismiss and label others just because you don’t fit into her neat little box of how the world should be run.

    As for her projecting her issues onto other people, it is a disease these days. We are labelled mentally ill (again, projection), bitter (projection) etc… you can learn alot by how people attack you and most of these people tell us what they are like by labelling us.

    As for the “grace come by hearing” lol! I have been thinking that since the first time I found that tirade of crap. She wouldn’t know what grace was if it hot her squarely in the face as she is spending so much time suffering her superiority complex (you know, the one she even admits to in not so many words!)

    Love to you Aislin, some people just don’t like the fact we dare to speak out because it may interfere with their agenda. Oh dear.

    Myst xxx

  13. clare said,

    Don’t worry about Rebecca and co., Aislin. You’ll notice as you read these blogs that many of the critical comments they get are from adults who were themselves adopted. And their perspective is written off as “bitter and I’ll pray for you” just as fast as that of natural parents is. God could probably write to them directly and they’d say “Sorry about your confusion but my agency/pastor/fellow adopters know how you feel about this better than you do.”

  14. aislin13 said,

    Oh, its so nice to see you Clare. I totally agree with every word you said. The woman is a tool. She can huff and puff all she wants. It won’t change the truth. I do wonder who they would believe though. hey don’t believe the women it happened to. They don’t believe the children (now adults) that were forced to deal with the fall out. They don’t believe the former adoption workers. They don’t even believe the thing the agencies themselves wrote. It amazes me

  15. MaryReunited said,

    New post up Aislin~

    • Jennifer said,

      Hi Mary. I forgot to ask how to email you? Maybe you could get my email address from Aislin and email me? Thank you.

  16. MaryReunited said,

    I am not hard to find Jennifer- Aislin has my email and tell her I said to give it to you! Hugs sweetheart!

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