For Shannan with love

January 8, 2010 at 9:29 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

I met a woman the other night through  a huge blow up over on Mary’s blog ( I won’t link it but you can find it if you so desire) This woman made a hurtful comment that had us all up in arms. Quickly she saw what it was that had us upset. She made a very heartfelt and sincere apology. It probably seemed normal to her to apologize. Nothing special just something you do. Well, I was floored. It is so rare that anyone even cares that they have hurt the feelings of us mothers. Usually we just get a “sorry you are hurt, I hope you find peace I will pray for you”. Yet here she was saying she was very sorry she had said that and she did not think before typing. (yeah how many times have I done that) It really touched me that she came back to try to make amends. She has shown a desire to learn about our side of adoption. IMO learning is never a bad thing. 

I wanted to repost something I wrote all the way back on 2007. I think it is vital that people understand how I feel on this subject. I so often accused of hating anyone that adopts. So with much respect, this is for you Shannan.

I haven’t posted much lately because, quite frankly. the online adoption community has been making me sick. Its probably my fault. I know these people are out there. I should prepare myself better. I should be stronger but I’m just not. I read certain things and they are like a knife in my heart. It gets to be too much so I just stay away. I mean really, how many times can I be expected to read the same line of crap about how horrible, selfish and unfit first moms are?

So I figured something out while I was away. There are two distinct groups of people that adopt. There are adopters and adoptive parents. These two groups are like night and day. one group I find myself respecting and the other I loath.

I most commonly come in contact with adopters. (sucks for me) Adopters piss me off more than anything in this world. (well maybe not adoption professionals) They say things like “you were put in the wrong tummy”. Lovely things like “Our daughter’s birth parents had no business raising our daughter”.  They refer to first mothers as incubators. Since I am not adopted I won’t go into what this does to the poor children they have adopted. I am sure I can’t do it justice. I will let that part wait for someone else to write. Needless to say I hate hate hate adopters!

When I first started reaching out online I thought everyone that adopted was an adopter. I saw them all as my enemy. I hated them all. Then something strange happened. People that I thought were my enemy started reaching out to me. I was confused. How could they say that what happened to me was so wrong when they had an adopted child? I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I know now it was just my pain speaking. Thanks to the wonderful people that commented here and spoke to me on forums I know know adoptive parents exist.

Adoptive parents are the complete opposite of adopters. They believe in ethical adoption practices. They respect their child’s first family. They are kind and have big hearts. A perfect example of this can be found here

Found out the link was to old so here is a new one. I love this post but I really suggest you all look around. The whole blog touches my heart http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/a-lot-of-ramblin/

.I suggest you go read it. People like this do my heart good. They give me some hope. They are Adoptive Parents.

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6 Comments

  1. Shannan said,

    Thank you for posting this Aislin. I don’t know if I am an adoptive parent yet, but I hope to become one….for my kids’ sake. I think you stated this really well. The blog link you posted has expired though so I couldn’t see that, but just from the name, “Just Enjoy Him” spoke volumes. And honestly I think you said it really well. I went through your blog and I was glad to see that you have had a lot of great things happen in your life. That shows that although losing your baby has devasted and shaped a lot of you life, you have obviously become a really incredible person inspite of it. How do you do it?

    My daughter came home today with a pre-school assignment to put pictures of her parents next to hers when we were all three and find what looks she got from us! What to do?? Well…thanks to lots of thoughts the last few days…I put my ego aside as her mom, and with her help picked out a few pictures of her natural mom and little brother that maybe she kind of looks like and we pasted those next to hers and talked about what attributes she got from them. and because we have nothing from natural dad we talked about maybe what she got from him. It felt right. Baby steps. thanks for sharing this.

  2. aislin13 said,

    I am really glad to see you here Shannan. I think your willingness to learn and evolve as a parent puts you up in the adoptive parent catergory already. You would be amazed at how many people will just shut us out and actually become angry and abusive over even a post like this. When children have been adopted already it is time to find a way to do what is best for everyone, most importantly the children. This means we have to all work together putting them first. Its not easy. We have to set aside our own egos and feelings much of the time and that is hard. I do really believe if the adoptive parents and the first parents of a child work together they can make it a little less painful for the child. The key is honesty even with the hard stuff, compassion for all sides and love.

    I have to admit I am impressed by what you said about my blog. Most people never get that far. So often they only see the negative and never notice the good stuff I write about. I do have some wonderful things in my life. I have 4 amazing kids that I am raising, They are what keeps me goping everyday. Two of my children are autistic so I am very involved in that community as well. Adoption is not my life. It is a big part of it but not the whole thing. It will always be a big part of my life because my daughter is an adoptee now. Just as I advocate for my boys I will advocate for her and her rights. Even if she desn’t know I am doing it right now or even know the issues exist (she’s very young) I will fight for her civil rights. Its what moms do, we advocate for our kids and try to make things better for them. God, even writing that I am hit by how much I miss her.

    I think you did an amazing job on the school project. I know a big one that is a problem is the family tree project. I have heard some great ideas on that one that use two trees that kinda wrap around each other to show both the adoptive and family of origin. I always thought that was such a cool way to do it.

    Please don’t ever worry about asking questions here. I don’t offend easily and as you know from the other blog I am always willing to listen to explanations and move on after. I really am glad to see you here

    Oh a new link (I replaced it in the post as well

    http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/a-lot-of-ramblin/

  3. Shannan said,

    Thank you so much. I just read the other blog! Wow! I really related to that and was so glad to have read it. I have been searching for this kind of support and I am so glad to have found it.
    Have you ever told your daughters’ adoptive parents how you feel?
    Or are they scared of you?:)

    • aislin13 said,

      I told them in the begining. I was pretty dumb about all of this. I thought that if I told them all that the agency did and how I felt they would give her back. I even was desperate enough to offer to be a surrogate for their baby if they just gave mine back. Their reply was … they hope I feel better soon and are thinking of me. They hope I can find a good therapist to help me through my regrets. I later found out about a ton of lies they had told me and that they knew what the agency was doing. So on top of it all my daughter is being raised by people with little to no morals or comapssion

  4. Diane said,

    Thank you for this post. As an AP I was trying to get at this with my latest blog post- first mothers cannot- should not- ever be negated from our children’s lives. I adopted my girls from China and right now we don’t know their first moms- but they are most definitely a part of their continuing emotional journeys. I am so sorry that your child’s adoptive parents have caused you so much additional pain.

  5. justenjoyhim said,

    Aislin,

    I haven’t blogged much lately, but just ran across this. *Hugs* to you; you’re a doll.

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