Insight

January 10, 2010 at 2:11 pm (adoption) (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, adoptive, adoptive parent, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, first parents, natural mother)

I have been reading a few blogs tonight and everyone is having such insightful posts. I was stuck for hours on Myst’s what is anti adoption post.  I read some posts from enlighten adoptive parents about their kids. I was formulating my oh so insightful post in my head most of the night. (I won’t tell you what it is because I am still going to write it) I got Princess Bean to bed, started up the computer and got read to write. The general feeling of blah settled over me. I didn’t feel like writing something insightful and deep. I didn’t feel like reading anything. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all.

So I gave up after an hour of staring at the blank screen. I went to play Pet Society and be unproductive. That was ok for a while. I didn’t have to think at all and could just vegetate. I talked to my darling friend T and told her I was moody. I say I am moody a lot. I told her I don’t feel like writing. I told her I was worried I would be mean if I wrote. She being very smart told me worrying is what always keeps me from writing. So with her final just do it I gave in.

I started thinking about why I feared being mean tonight. I have been down the last couple of days. At first I thought the blog wars had bothered me more than I realized. No that’s not it. I still really have no emotions tied to that. Maybe I am down because my mom got laid off and I know that will mean more financial stress on me. While stressful that still isn’t it. Then it smacked me square in the chest

I miss my daughter. I always miss her. She is never out of my mind or heart. But tonight I miss her with a desperation I can not describe. I ache for her. I would give anything to feel her in my arms at this moment. To smell her beautiful blonde hair. To feel her curls tickle my nose. Hear her giggle and squeal with delight. To hear her soft breathing as she sleeps. I would gladly lay down and die for just one minute alone with her.

Even though she is not with me, she is my world. I need for that to be ok but it isn’t. People don’t like to hear this part of adoption. All they want to hear is the happy “I did the right thing” crap. The moment you start talking about this part you are bitter, angry and mentally ill. They don’t want to hear about the long nights of crying. The longing for a small crumb of our child’s life. That is too real.

So tonight I will look at the pictures I have of the little girl I will never know. I will cry. I will long for something that will never happen. I will miss my baby. Maybe tomorrow I can be insightful

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