Insight

January 10, 2010 at 2:11 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I have been reading a few blogs tonight and everyone is having such insightful posts. I was stuck for hours on Myst’s what is anti adoption post.  I read some posts from enlighten adoptive parents about their kids. I was formulating my oh so insightful post in my head most of the night. (I won’t tell you what it is because I am still going to write it) I got Princess Bean to bed, started up the computer and got read to write. The general feeling of blah settled over me. I didn’t feel like writing something insightful and deep. I didn’t feel like reading anything. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all.

So I gave up after an hour of staring at the blank screen. I went to play Pet Society and be unproductive. That was ok for a while. I didn’t have to think at all and could just vegetate. I talked to my darling friend T and told her I was moody. I say I am moody a lot. I told her I don’t feel like writing. I told her I was worried I would be mean if I wrote. She being very smart told me worrying is what always keeps me from writing. So with her final just do it I gave in.

I started thinking about why I feared being mean tonight. I have been down the last couple of days. At first I thought the blog wars had bothered me more than I realized. No that’s not it. I still really have no emotions tied to that. Maybe I am down because my mom got laid off and I know that will mean more financial stress on me. While stressful that still isn’t it. Then it smacked me square in the chest

I miss my daughter. I always miss her. She is never out of my mind or heart. But tonight I miss her with a desperation I can not describe. I ache for her. I would give anything to feel her in my arms at this moment. To smell her beautiful blonde hair. To feel her curls tickle my nose. Hear her giggle and squeal with delight. To hear her soft breathing as she sleeps. I would gladly lay down and die for just one minute alone with her.

Even though she is not with me, she is my world. I need for that to be ok but it isn’t. People don’t like to hear this part of adoption. All they want to hear is the happy “I did the right thing” crap. The moment you start talking about this part you are bitter, angry and mentally ill. They don’t want to hear about the long nights of crying. The longing for a small crumb of our child’s life. That is too real.

So tonight I will look at the pictures I have of the little girl I will never know. I will cry. I will long for something that will never happen. I will miss my baby. Maybe tomorrow I can be insightful

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9 Comments

  1. Myst1998 said,

    Oh Aislin, it IS okay… in fact it is normal for you to feel this way. How could it not be? You are her mother and no legislation can ever change that.

    Honestly, when I wrote my latest blogpost, I wasn’t trying to be insightful. It came from a place of thinking if I feel misunderstood then maybe others do and I truly just got tired of seeing all the mud being flung around and flinging it myself as I hate geting confrontational, I am alot more shy in real life than people know and to get into arguments, even online makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to find out where others are at, to find some hope in the midst of all this agony.

    I get the aching… even now I ache to feel my daughter, to spend time with her. I mourn the days I didn’t get to spend with her as my other daughter goes through these early years. I wish I could say it gets easier, I so wish, but I can’t. I will always be here though to talk too…

    And you don’t have to be insightful tomorrow if you are not feeling it.

    Massive hugs and much love,
    Myst xxx

    • aislin13 said,

      I do wonder if having younger children kinda makes it harder. I have older kids so I knew what I was missing which hurt but I think my memory dulled it a little. Watching her younger sister makes it all so real. Those little things we do together that mean so much will just hit me sometimes. Little A will never know that stuff. Add in the traits they share and it really gets to me sometimes. Bean will smile in just the right way and its like looking at Little A. They share many of the same expressions and body movements. Its hard not to see my older daughter when I look at the younger. I’m not saying Bean has to live in her sister’s shadow by any means. Bean is a whirlwind of personality all her own while Little A is a timid girl but you can see them in each other. It was easier with just the boys around because they are so much older and really don’t look like Little A at all. I use to joke that I had weak DNA beacuse none of my boys look anything like me. Man when I had girls I found out how wrong I was. Anyway I am rambling now lol

  2. Jessalynn said,

    Aislin! I absolutely feel the same way some nights….of course I don’t have any other kids yet. But I really love that paragraphy you wrote. Is it okay with you if I post this paragraph on my Blog? It can be anon if you woul like…

    • aislin13 said,

      Its fine with me if you post it. I would like my name to remain. I have no problem being published on your blog. I do think both sides of the adoption debate can work together to give women a more complete picture of adoption and its possible effects on their lives. I know things were heated but I really am not that bad.

  3. lillie said,

    And this is exactly how I feel, except about my mother. Screw insightful, how much more insight does one need to say that adoption sucks and nobody wins?

  4. MaryReunited said,

    I know exactly what you mean- those were hard years for me too. Watching my Ellii and seeing ghosts- Now that I know how much alike they are, it’s harder and not at the same time. Love you dearling with all my heart!

  5. Kitty said,

    Oh Aislin, you’re so not alone. So many nights I’ve spent like this, but not missing my child, but my Mom…how many times,while I was searching for her, did I scream and cry at my husband,”I want my Mom!!!” Aislin, I’m 36 this year…this adoption thing is just a mess…but we’re strong, YOU are strong, and you give soooo much to people reading your blog. I come here because I hear echoes of what my Mom feels….just write, to you it may not seem profound…but maybe it makes a diffeence in just 1 persons life….xxx

  6. Other Mother said,

    three things i know all too well, moodyness, pet society & aching for my daughter. peace is so hard to come by some days.

  7. Jillian said,

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I often think of my son’s natural mother that is living and the anguish she must have or daydreams of him. He was adopted at age (approx) 10 years old and we are currently looking for her to offer her contact if she desires. I imagine as much as you want to know it might also be hard to know, even the good. However, we feel if the roles were reversed we would want the offer to be able to “follow” him as well.
    I don’t think you are anything but honest to say how you feel and that “hapily ever after” warm and fuzzies are not always the case. Thank you for your honesty and your insight so that we can better understand the range of emotions our son’s mom might also be feeling.
    Jillian

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