Odd Habits

March 2, 2010 at 6:34 am (Independant Adoption Center, natural mother) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I picked up an odd habit after my daughter was taken from me and adopted out to strangers. At first I didn’t notice it. I didn’t notice much in those dark days. You could have run through my house on fire and I would have been hard pressed to notice. Over time this habit became more and more clear. To this day I can not sleep without doing it. It seems like a kinda funny, quirky thing but I assure you it is very frustrating.

What could it be you wonder. I sleep on my hands. I have to lay flat on my back with my hands firmly tucked under my body or I simply can not sleep. Looking back I can see how this developed. It seems almost logical to me.

When I first got home after the birth of my beautiful little girl. My only surviving daughter att the time, I could not tolerate the feel of my own stomach. It was way more than not liking it. I went out of my way to avoid even accidentally brushing it with my hand. When I slept I would often wake up with a hand carelessly thrown across my stomach. The very feel would make me vomit and then break down in hysterics. I would cry these deep body sobs for hours. My own stomach had become taboo to me. It was gross and disgusting. It made my skin crawl in the same way a spider would. I would feel it for a long time after the inital touch. I could not get it out of my mind. So I started laying on my hands.

Wow it sounds pretty sad now that I write him out. Does anyone else have any odd habits that are a direct result of adoption? Maybe I am the only one.

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