Odd Habits

March 2, 2010 at 6:34 am (Independant Adoption Center, natural mother) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I picked up an odd habit after my daughter was taken from me and adopted out to strangers. At first I didn’t notice it. I didn’t notice much in those dark days. You could have run through my house on fire and I would have been hard pressed to notice. Over time this habit became more and more clear. To this day I can not sleep without doing it. It seems like a kinda funny, quirky thing but I assure you it is very frustrating.

What could it be you wonder. I sleep on my hands. I have to lay flat on my back with my hands firmly tucked under my body or I simply can not sleep. Looking back I can see how this developed. It seems almost logical to me.

When I first got home after the birth of my beautiful little girl. My only surviving daughter att the time, I could not tolerate the feel of my own stomach. It was way more than not liking it. I went out of my way to avoid even accidentally brushing it with my hand. When I slept I would often wake up with a hand carelessly thrown across my stomach. The very feel would make me vomit and then break down in hysterics. I would cry these deep body sobs for hours. My own stomach had become taboo to me. It was gross and disgusting. It made my skin crawl in the same way a spider would. I would feel it for a long time after the inital touch. I could not get it out of my mind. So I started laying on my hands.

Wow it sounds pretty sad now that I write him out. Does anyone else have any odd habits that are a direct result of adoption? Maybe I am the only one.

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4 Comments

  1. HeatherRainbow said,

    I can’t look at myself in the mirror. And, when I absolutely have to, I don’t look at my face. The only way I know how I look, is when people take a picture of me. My face has become foreign to me. It might have to do with the whole, “I can’t look myself in the eye” and another idea, of, if I look at myself, I’ll be looking at my daughter, in the same way that when my daughter looks at herself, she’ll see me. Only, we won’t actually see each other.

  2. justenjoyhim said,

    That’s so sad. 😦

  3. KatjaMichelle said,

    I’m the opposite. I’m almost always touching my stomach. I do it even unconciously, I know Kidlet isn’t in there anymore but for some reason I can’t help but clasp my stomach hoping to feel closer to him. And after re-reading that I think I sound crazy but there it is.

  4. Lara said,

    I developed a bad habit of clasping my stomach after they took my baby. It became a habit for me to do. I would do it even when walking. It got so bad that my mother noticed me doing this. After three years I dont do it as often, but I did it constantly during the first two years. I just read Michelle’s comment. Sorry Machelle. I wasn’t trying to copy you. I just read your comment. I am speaking whole heartedly. It is good to know that I am not the only one that I developed a “quirk” or whatever you want to call it after her being gone.

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