Announcing …..

July 19, 2010 at 12:27 pm (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, adoptive parent, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, help, Independant Adoption Center, justice, law, natural mother) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I told you guys a little while back I was working on something. I still am working on it but figured it was about time I let you all in on it. Its not just my project. There are some wonderful people helping and sharing ideas. I have been truly inspired by working with them. So here goes….

We have stated a new group to support all people separated by adoption.

We are dedicated to support those struggling with adoption loss. We provide confidential support and information through a moderated support forum and a monitored nightly chat room.

We aim to prevent further unnecessary separations by uniting adoptees and firstparents in the mission to prevent dire situations, life circumstances, and oppressive belief systems that result in adoptions.

We aim to support families searching for family members, beginning a reunion, struggling with the complex emotional issues of a reunion or dealing with a failed reunion.

We aim to raise awareness of the life long consequences of adoption separation for mothers, fathers, adoptees, siblings and extended family.

We are an affiliate of Origins International.

I would love to see some of you on our forum! We even have a section for Allies that aren’t connected to adoption. Check us out but keep in mind we are still building.

http://connections-usa.org

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38 Comments

  1. Susie said,

    I can’t wait to go check this out!!!

  2. Andrea said,

    Hi. I do not know another way to ask you this so i am posting it on your most rescent blog. I am wondering what you think about adoptive parents who do not tell the children they are adopted. I am not asking to be rude or mean. I am guinually curious about your view on the subject. (I do not have children and do not plan on adopting)

    • aislin13 said,

      Honestly I think they are selfish and do not deserve to raise a child. I consider it a very vile form of abuse

  3. Andrea said,

    What do you mean by abuse?

  4. aislin13 said,

    I mean I think it is mental abuse to lie to a child their entire life about their adoption status. I have seen the damage done when a person finds out late in life that they are adopted. The damage is extreme. I think knowingly inflicting that on a child is abusive and they have no right to raise any child that way. Its sick and selfish. The person hurt is the adoptee. I honestly think it should be categorized as child abuse period with the same punishments as other forms of hild abuse

  5. Andrea said,

    Oh. I pray to God that is not always the case. My aunt has adopted 2 girls at birth. One is now 2 and the other is 3 mths. I mentioned to the 2 yr old about her other mommy on mothers day and learned frm my aunt that they have not told her she is aodpted and will not tell either one of them. I find it very destubing bc both were supposed to be an open adoption.

    • aislin13 said,

      I’ve never actually know that not to be the case. People don’t really take it well when they find out their entire life is a lie and they always find out. Look up some blogs by late discovery adoptees and make your aunt read them. I’m not even going to touch on anything else because that is your family member and I know I would offend you. I pray for those children, their first families that were lied to and betrayed, and the future they can hopefully make together when they reunite.

    • Myst said,

      OMG, those poor little girls!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry to say this but your Aunt is a nasty selfish woman. She has basically LIED to the girls’ mothers by saying it will be an open adoption while having the intention never to tell those two girls the truth. SHAME ON HER. She is the kind of adopter who makes adoption as terrible as it is.

      Disgusting. I am horrified how often this still goes on. How dare she keep the truth from those children. Its not even her story to keep!!

      • aislin13 said,

        Yeah, I’m trying hard not to say what I think since its a close family member. I bet everyone will be shocked when those girls run back to their natural families and cut all contact with Aunty dearest. Another perfect example of selfish adopters pulling off an open adoption scam.

      • Andrea said,

        she is NOT NASTY. She loves those girls!!! and would do anything for them!!! Yes she did lie and it is wrong but that does not make her nasty!!!! I did not ask you for ur opion!!!

      • aislin13 said,

        I get that you feel the need to defend a family member. I’m sorry you are all butt hurt now. There really is no way around the truth. Your aunt did and is doing something horrid and morally devoid. She should be ashamed for lying to vunerable pregnant women to get their baby. I have no doubt she loves those girls now but shehas proven she will not do anything for them. She won’t tell the truth. Something so simple and clearly in the best intrest of the children. She also can not honor the agreement she made with those children’s mother. Also in the best intrest of the child. I am sorry if you don’t like to hear the truth. Those girls will suffer and their mothers are already suffering because your aunt is selfish. That is as nice as I can put it.

      • Andrea said,

        I’m sorry. i didn’t mean to be rude. What she did and is doing is wrong. Its just that she is a good mother to those children. And is a good person to me and my sister who live with her while our dad is in Iraq. I talked to her about it and she said having 2 moms would confuse them and she is protecting them. I don’t necessarly buy it, but what can i do? She is my aunt and my temp. guardian. I love her and even though it is wrong there’s nothing i can do. But if/when Emma and Katelynn find out will they shut their whole adopted family out?

  6. aislin13 said,

    Andrea, you don’t have to be sorry. Its natural to defend people you love even when you know they are wrong. I am glad you can see that it is indeed wrong. She has hurt people and will have to deal with it when the time comes.
    Its hard to say what the girls will do when they find out. Every adoptee is different. The only advice I can give is to learn as much as you can about late discovery adoptees and adoptees in general. Read a book called the Primal Wound. When they find out listen to their feelings with no judgement. Support them and even help if they want to find their mothers. Be prepared if they are angry, hurt or sad. Understand that loving their first family is not a sign that they don’t love you. Be secure in the fact that they can love you and their first family at the same time. Just love them and be there no matter what they feel.
    Knowing that you are a minor changes things a great bit. This is not your fight honey. It is not your job to right the wrongs of the adults in your life. With your father deployed you already have enough stress and worry in your life. Please know that you are always welcome to ask questions here. Its a complex and confusing situation. The only way to learn is to ask. I hope some adoptee buddies of mine will see this and offer advice.

  7. Myst said,

    It doesn’t matter how much she says she loves them. Her ACTIONS are proving otherwise. If she truly loved those little girls, she wouldn’t be lying to their real MOTHERS and them about their real history. You don’t have to ask for my opinion; its a comment section on a blog lol.

    And yes, outright lying and doing something wrong is NASTY. It is also evil. She is NOT protecting them; she is protecting herself. All she is doing is hurting them by lying and that is NOT good mothering; it is abuse.

    I get you don’t like what I have to say, sorry, I am not for dressing things up pretty. I have seen too much of what adoption does and will not shut up to save someone’s feelings. Truth is truth, and it has to out.

  8. Andrea said,

    Its not my fight? How is it not when i’m lieing to them by not speaking the truth? I wish i never looked this stuff up cause now i can’t stop thinking bout it. I know where the contact info for thier first moms are. I want to write to them, tell them thier children are ok. But if i do and my aunt finds out; she will be PISSED! When i talked to her bout it she made it clear she never wrote them, sent them a pic, and never will. WHAT DO I DO?!? I am so confused and Just wish i never looked into this.

    • aislin13 said,

      I say its not your fight because you are a minor in your aunt’s gaurdianship. You also have the stress of your father being deployed. I was basically giving you an out to be a normal teenager if you wanted. However, if you feel morally obligated to make it your fight I will support you however I can. Would you be willing to move our conversation to my forum or email? These comments are public and that might not be best for you if anyone in your family sees them. I had the same thought as you about wishing I could at least tell those mothers that their children are ok.

  9. Andrea said,

    You can email me, but i have no idea what a forum is. Army Brat 101: you grow up FAST. I’ve never been normal. Normal is boring. I believe in standing up for whats right and i have decided that i will write them. Just need figure out what to say and get a hold of their addresses. I spent all night reading stories of mothers who had their babies STOLEN not adopted and alot of them were supposed to be open. Can’t help but wonder if Emma or Katie’s first mom wrote one of the ones i read. It has given me a whole new perspective on the world of adoption. But if this side is true why does no one ever hear about it?

  10. Myst said,

    “But if this side is true why does no one ever hear about it?”

    Very good point Andrea, very, very good point. Why? Because if people heard the truth, then a multi billion dollar industry would be affected. Many agencies would have to be closed down and they would lose their kickbacks from selling children.

    Do you know that it costs $30-50,000 in “fees” to adopt a child and that is without other costs. Adoption, especially in the USA is actually child purchasing and it is a very sick industry indeed.

    Many mothers have had their children stolen for adoption purposes. Their are many, many stories about grotesque things that have happened in the name of adoption. More and more people are starting to speak out but there are those in power who do their damnest to keep us quiet… because they don’t want the truth out there.

    I admire your courage to seek out the girls’ mothers and involve them in their daughter’s lives. I really hope your Aunt doesn’t find out. I know this must be difficult given its such a close family member but you are doing the right thing to speak out against wrongdoing.

    Adoption is really a messy subject and it causes so much pain in the lives of many people. Good on you for trying to do good… we need more people like you to help speak out against these injustices.

  11. Andrea said,

    I’ve been writing rough drafts to their first parents and wondering instead of sending tons of pics giving them my myspace info. But i don’t know if its a good idea or not.

    • aislin13 said,

      The first thing I personally would do is see if they are on facebook or one of the first mom groups. If you write them through the mail and they write back there is a chance of your aunt seeing it. Can your aunt see your myspace? Could you make a facebook or myspace under a fake name? If you want someone to proof read your letters I am sure the first moms here would be willing or on http://connections-usa.org/forum

  12. Andrea said,

    I sent the letters out!!!! I tried facebook but couldnt find them. Niether my aunt nor uncle have myspace so i’m good there. and my sis gets the mail and she knows wat i’m doing. MY DAD IS COMING HOME IN OCTOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

    • aislin13 said,

      I’m so glad you are protected. It sounds like you really thought things through. You seem like a very mature and caring girl. I am overjoyed your dad will be coming home soon. You must be so excited! From an American and member of a military family I thank your dad for his service and that you and the rest of your family for the sacrifices you have made. Please keep us updated, not only about your aunt and cousins but bout you and your life as well. I am truly glad you stumbled on my blog

  13. Myst said,

    AWESOME news about your Dad!!! I am so happy he’s coming home 🙂

    Well done with the letters!! You are one brave cookie! I agree with Aislisn, you do sound like a very mature and caring person. I’m not American but I also thank your Dad and your family for the sacrifices you have made. It isn’t easy. And yes I will be another eager to hear how things progress in your life.

    Take care!

  14. Andrea said,

    EMMA’S FIRST MOM ADDED ME AS A FRIEND ON MYSPACE!!!!!!!!!! She sent a message with the request that made me cry! She told me her story. She is YOUNGER THAN ME, only 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her parents told her she was giving Emma up. They didn’t even give her an option! Emma was her’s, not theirs to put up for adoption!!!! And apperiantly my aunt and uncle knew all of this and still adopted her!!!! If they had backed out she would have kept Emma!!! I am completely in shock right now.

  15. Andrea said,

    She WAS 14 when she got pregnant. We’re the same age. Missread it. Sorry

    • aislin13 said,

      I am really glad you heard from her. I feel so badly for her. Please let her know there are a bunch of first moms out here that care about her and support her. I am actually so overcome with emotion I am having a hard time finding words. I’ll try to say more later

  16. Myst said,

    Wow… what a sad story… Andrea you are amazing for doing this. Bless you for showing so much kindness and comapssion. And like Aislin said, if she needs to get some support, let her know there is support out there for her.

    Luv Myst xxx

  17. Andrea said,

    NOW KATELYNN’S FIRST MOM ADDED ME!!!!!!!!! She gave me alittle of her background. She is only 15!!!!!!!!!!!! She is morman and the people at her church convinced her to do adoption. She said they tried to get her to choose a morman family but she didn’t want that her her child so she went to the baptist angency. She is PISSED that Katelynn won’t be told the truth and is going to the agency to put in a ocmplaint. She also wanted Katelynn to be an only child and was told the adopters had no children.

    Emma first mom commented on almost every pic i have posted of her. I could tell it hurt her when on the pics i put Emma and Mommy or something like that. She messeged me and said she is glad Emma has good home. She mentioned the not telling Emma she is adopted thing but didnt go into much. She also said she is so happy Emma has a little sister. She said if she could go back Emma would not be Emma and I would not be her cousin but since it happened like this she is glad Emma is with us.

    It is so wierd how different they are. Emma’s first mom is so accepting of what happened and Katelynn’s first mom is PISSED.

    • aislin13 said,

      I am glad she added you. Her being mormon actually explains a lot. Poor girl. I can understand her anger. I can also understand how Emma’s mom seem to accept what happened since there is nothing she can do to change it. I think all first moms deal with the feelings differently. A lot of times we go back and forth between emotions so don’t be suprised to see some of that going on. Ugh I just want to go hug these poor girls

  18. Andrea said,

    Why did their parents/church carose them to give their babies up? I go to a very small school, only 800 people attend it. There were 25 girls pregnant last yr. 6 of them freshman. None of them are giving their children up for adoption. Most of their parents are behind them and the ones who are not say its their daughter’s responsibility and desicion. I just can’t wrap my head around parents FORCING their children to give up someone they love and care about so much.

    • aislin13 said,

      Ugh that is a very complicated question. There are many reasons women are pushed and forced into adoption. I will start with the church one though. You mentioned one mom was a mormon. Mormons believe very strongly that all children should be raised in a 2 parent home to ensure they reach salvation. Premarital sex is a sin that can cause you to be banished to hell. Therefore, to redeem herself and be punished for her sin she must give the baby to a couple more worthy. If she does not she is risking being sent to hell and her baby will grow up to be a sinner like her. Of course there is more to it but that sums it up pretty well. The Mormon Church is a major part of adoption. They run huge agencies and have had several court cases recently where they have decided fathers have no rights to their children and have them adopted without the father’s consent.
      The parents pushing is hard for me to understand. It could be a religous thing like with the mormons. It can also be something as silly as they are ashamed. Sometimes they truly believe it is for the best and had no idea how badly their daughter would be hurt.
      No matter what the reasons are behind it, it is tragic.

  19. Lissa said,

    Andrea, I’ve been reading your posts. I think you are amazing! Emma’s and Katelynn’s moms are probably thanking whatever god they believe in for you:-)

  20. Andrea said,

    “her baby will grow up to be a sinner like her” is INSANE!! Also sounds very cult and silent hill like.

    Father’s have no rights? Confused I thought fathers have to sign away thier rights just like the mom

    But some adoptions are good. Like the babies from the ophanages in China and Guatamalia. They would be stuck in those ophanages and then thrown out onto the streets when they hit legal age.

    And what about adoption stories, the tv show on discovery channel? They’re of parents who want better for their child and everything works out good.

    And Angelina Jolie and Kirk Cameron?

    And then there’s foster children who just want to be apart of a real family.

    • aislin13 said,

      I’m going to try to take this point by point. Father’s are supposed to have rights. However, if a couple is unmarried it becomes more complicated. Then he is a punative father not a legal father. There is a registery called set up in many states that a man must sign up on to have any rights as a father. When he must sign up varies from state to state. If man signs up as a punative father in his state and the mother decides to hide in another state his rights are not protected. He would have to sign up in the state the mother is in. There are many cases of women going to Utah because punative fathers have next to no rights there. Cody O’dea is a good example of this.
      International adoption is a whole other ball of wax. Many countries have been shutting down adoptions to foreign countries due to kidnapping and baby selling. Guatemala being one of those.
      There is a mother from adoption stories fighting to regain her daughter after the lies and fraud from the adopters came to light. Those shows are very well edited and do not show the whole story or the aftermath. Bring Peri Home is a good place to find out the truth about those shows.
      Foster adoption is yet again a whole other ball of wax. There is still some of the same main issues for the adoptees and the ethics involved. Yet those kids are the ones that truly need a home and a safe family. I think it needs some major reform. Children deserve a safe place to grow up. Sadly not all parents can do that so fostercare comes into play. I think it could be a good system with some reforms to protect the children.
      Yeah Angelina and Kirk….. not even gonna touch that one

      • Andrea said,

        Thanks for answering my questions. I know i have been commenting and asking alot. If i’m annoying you, you can tell me and i will stop.

        The mother shouldnt run to another state. That like parental kidnapping. My grandfather’s nephew lives in Utah and he has adopted twice. I hope this didn’t happen with their first fathers. It was like 20 yrs ago though.

        I just now looked up the perri one and feel sorry for her (reminds me of my aunt and uncle) but does she have a chance to get her back? If u sign the papers isn’t that it?

        “Yeah Angelina and Kirk….. not even gonna touch that one” =) Guessing you dont like them. Don’t really like Angelina Jolie but LOVE kirk Cameron in Fireproof!

        I start school tomorrow…well today actually (i know…should be in bed, but this is the only time i have to get online) My friend had the Honors English class i’m taking this semester last yr and told me that we have to do a huge research paper on what ever subject we want as long as he approves. I think I’m gonna do mine on the cons of adoption.

        Katelynn’s mom doesn’t want to talk to me for a while but wants me to keep posting pics. Emma’s first mom and i chat almost daily.

        one more thing, TIGERS ARE GONNA BEAT CANNON’S BUTT FRIDAY!!!!!

      • aislin13 said,

        You aren’t annoying me at all. I don’t mind answering your questions. I’m just trying to make sure to do so in a factual way without letting my feelings get overly involved. You deserve good unbiased answers.
        It is very wrong what is being done to fathers. I will have to do a new post about it since there are some new cases.
        I’m glad Emma’s mom is talking to you. Katelynn’s mom is likely in too much pain right now. Poor thing. I wish I could help her. Its so unimaginably hard. She will probably talk to you more in time.
        Oh and GO TIGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. Andrea said,

    I’ve been talking to alot of people bout it

  22. Andrea said,

    I appriciate you giving me facts and not opinions. I think people have been giving me their opinions.

    I think I realized why Katelynn’s first mom wants time and Emma’s first mom is cool with it. Emma is 2 and Katelynn is 4 mths. Emma’s first mom has had more time to accept things than Katelynn’s first mom has.

    Since school is starting i probably wont write on here alot like i have been. So Thanks for everthing and i’ll keep u updated on their first moms when i can.

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