Unexpected Update

December 19, 2010 at 9:20 am (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I got an update today. I wasn’t expecting one. I never really expect one. They are so few and far between. They just send them when they feel like it so I never know when it might be. There it was like a slap in the face. My heart instantly started pounding. I knew I should wait until everyone was asleep to open it but I didn’t. I should have.

It was filled with the typical things. Tiny crumbs of my daughter’s life. Then I read the line that ripped my heart out. She lost her first tooth. Her first tooth and I wasn’t there. I will never be there for anything. I missed it. I will miss everything. Every important moment in her life will just be a line in an email to me.

I can’t breathe. It hurts so deep my soul is screaming. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be this anymore. Yet I have to smile so my 2-year-old won’t realize there is something very very wrong with Mommy.

This is the face of adoption. The total destruction of a mother. Oh so beautiful

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11 Comments

  1. Linda said,

    I wish I could give you a hug. It’s not much, I know…but know that I am sorry you are dealing with this.

    Linda

  2. angelle2 said,

    Not good – understand – hang in there.

  3. Andrea said,

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this. No one should EVER have to 😦

  4. Amanda said,

    ((((hugs)))))

  5. MaryReunited said,

    I’m sorry babe- I love you.

  6. Andrea said,

    My best best friend is 19 wks pregnant. She told her dad yesterday. Last night i was driving and hit another car. It was t boned on the passanger side where she was. They were worried about the baby so they airflighted her to Vanderbuilt. She is ok and the baby is ok. She even got to see the baby on altrosould and found out she is having a girl. she was released from the hospital and we thought everything was ok. I was there for new yrs eve.

    I did not go to the hospital and today i said that my side hurt. Her dad started saying stuff about me needing to see a doctor and all the thing that could be wrong. He scared me and i went to the ER

    When we got back to her house we found her dad passed out by the table. He has been drinking and took pills. We called 911 and her family. They are airflighting him to Vanderbuilt.

    Please please pray. Please

    • aislin13 said,

      My thoughts are with you all

  7. Andrea said,

    I know your going through alot and dont need stress. I dont want to talk to any one but want to talk to someone. Telling a computer is helping

    I want to be with her but cant.

    I;m sorry if you get mad for me writing on this post. I know your hurting and i am sorry

    I dont know wat esle to do

    • aislin13 said,

      Its ok to talk here hon. Sometimes you just have to get your feelings out but can’t talk to people around you. I totally get that. Its the whole reason I have this blog

  8. Andrea said,

    Thought you might want an update.

    Her dad was put in a mental facility and released yesterday. He is now looking for a bigger house.

    Laura is due May 27 and is naming the baby Nicole Ann =) (Adoption has never even crossed her mind or even her father’s) Austin, the boyfriend and baby daddy, is so excited to having a little girl, Nicole is going to have him wrapped around her little finger in no time!!

    And Laura wants me to be Nicole’s godmother!

  9. heatherrainbow said,

    Much love to you ((Aislin))

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