Stuck

January 30, 2011 at 10:51 am (natural mother) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I have become stuck. I hide behind my mask. I have become so accustomed to hiding that I am stuck in that role. I can’t write. I can’t talk. I can’t reach out. I try to from time to time but I freeze and go right back to the role I have invented for myself.

There is so much inside of me. So much that fights to get out. So many words I can’t quite formulate. My story. The story of my daughter. How I became this thing adoption made me. The truth. I try but it sticks in my throat.

So dear readers I leave you with a song for now.

I have burned my tomorrow
And I stand inside today
At the edge of the future
And my dreams all fade away

I have burned my tomorrow
And I stand inside today
At the edge of the future
And my dreams all fade away

And burn my shadow away
And burn my shadow away

Fate’s my destroyer
I was ambushed by the light
And you judged me once for falling
This wounded heart arrives

And burn my shadow away
And burn my shadow away

When I see the light
True love forever
When I see the light
True love forever
When I see the light
True love forever
When I see the light
True love forever
Burn my shadow
When I see the light
True love forever
When I see the light
True love forever
Oh burn my shadow
When I see the light
True love forever
Away

And burn my shadow away
Oh how I loved you //

Unkle
Burn My Shadow lyrics

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9 Comments

  1. Myst said,

    ((((Aislin)))) I can so relate to that and I have been wondering as you have been quiet for so long. Sometimes you need to allow yourself to receive the support and not try to BE the support for others. If that makes sense… even though I know how hard that can be!! Take time out for yourself to do what you need to do to get through each day. I am truly sorry adoption has invaded your life. It is like a monster… actually it IS a monster and it reminds me of those monsters that used to give me nightmares as a kid. It has had the same effect.

    As for telling your story… it can take AGES. I took a year to write the one that is on my blog and that is not even the complete version… I had to write that one for someone who wanted to know what happened in a factual way so I tried to stick to just the bare facts and backed them all up with stuff I had collected to hand to him. This is how I discovered that what happened to us was corrupt. But my real personal story is yet to be told and I have sat down to type it many times, typed alot out and then deleted it. I still have a blank document. It is normal to feel stuck about this because it is something of such intense pain and to share it with so many others is like handing those out there a weapon to hurt us with.

    So I am sending you hugs and letting you know I am here whenever you need to just vent/rant or whatever. Even it is just a single word, a line or pages.

    Lots of love always,
    Myst xxx

  2. Linda said,

    I second what Myst said. Sometimes it’s good to step back from the monster and take care of ourselves. Sending you good vibes….

  3. rox said,

    I love you hun.

  4. Amanda said,

    ((hugs))

  5. heatherrainbow said,

    Hey ((Aislin)).

    We’re in the same boat. I keep thinking how I have tried SO hard to move on, but I keep not going anywhere. No matter what I do, no matter what, I’m stuck and not moving anywhere. My voice is dead. I tried to resurrect it, but even that failed.

    Adoption Sucks.

    • aislin13 said,

      I know exactly what you mean H. Everything I do I mess up because I can’t move foward at all. Even Connections is too much for me. I hate that I can’t do it. I feel ashamed that I am failing at it. Which makes me isolate myself even more. Maybe I am just meant to be alone in this.

  6. heatherrainbow said,

    Aislin, I know exactly what you mean. I started the reformadoption.com website, I had been so excited. Then, when my friend who was hosting the site lost the information, I had a major adoption rejection, then my first miscarriage, the site just sat there collecting dust for about 3 years. I was so upset at myself.

    But, the reality is, sometimes we need a break. We need to do our own healing, and we can let projects go sometimes and they’ll pick up again when we have the energy for them, or maybe they’ll turn into something bigger and better.

    The point I was making though, ((Aislin)) is that you are NOT alone. No matter what, there are mothers all over the world who have felt or will feel as you do. And, I invoke that the energy that has guided all mothers through the hard times helps to comfort and guide you through yours.

    You are Not alone. You are Never alone.

  7. Kelly said,

    sending you hugs honey:) it has been a long time, but you are always in my thoughts…….

  8. Clare said,

    look at this poor guy’s story. His wife shot and killed his mother then tried to do the same to him. He survived but he’s blind now and in addition to that had to go through extensive rehab. The wife pled insanity and instead of jail went to a hospital type environment. A couple who had known the wife offered to “foster” the child when the mother was inpatient and the father was recovering from his multiple injuries. But now they want to adopt him. The mother also wants these people to adopt the child. The arguement is that the father is unable to be a father because his rehabilitation took so long and he’s permanently, completly blind………………….oh and the “would be adopters”? they religiously bring the child up to see his mother in prison/hospital because she’s supporting their adoption petition against the father………… How on earth do these people plan on explaining this to the child if they sucessfully take him away from his father who has done nothing wrong (except suffer) here’s the link:http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/enews/cv/enews-20110412.html

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