Happy Father’s Day

June 20, 2010 at 11:31 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

To all the fathers that are forgotten on this day. The fathers that long for information on their children. The fathers that wait to reunite. The fathers that never knew a child even existed. The fathers that miss their children with their whole soul. The fathers that have never heard these words before……..

Happy Father’s Day!

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Great post

April 27, 2010 at 1:57 am (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Not many people are talking about the lack of support natural mothers recieve from the feminism and human rights community at large. I have often pondered why this is. I think Rox nailed it on the head in her post

http://austinholistic.blogspot.com/

Thank you Rox for putting it better than I could have

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Utah at it Again

April 16, 2010 at 1:10 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I was reminded this morning of an email exchange in my recent past about Utah. I asserted that it was common knowledge in the adoption community that if you wanted to get around a father’s rights you go to Utah to file for adoption. I was told I had no clue what I was talking about and that Utah is not the hot spot for adopting kids whose father’s want to parent. I decided it was not worth the time and effort to continue with the email exchange and have not spoken with this person again. If I could talk to them right now all I would say is …… Oh Really?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/13/AR2010041302445.html?hpid=dynamiclead

The father of baby Emma and his mother will be on the CBS Morning Show tomorrow. This is just the latest case. I hope this father is able to fight until his daughter is returned.

Need more ?

http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-403018?ref=feeds/category/politics

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news/iteam&id=6480038

http://www.thefreelibrary.com/MAN%20BATTLES%20TO%20REVERSE%20UTAH%20ADOPTION.-a083919493

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/19/national/19fathers.html?pagewanted=2&ei=5088&en=baf075e517cb5f44&ex=1300424400&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/is_utah_a_magnet_for_unfair_adoptions_state_chief_justice_sees_a_risk_and_c/

Cody O’dea

Micheal Marek

Mario Garcia Beltran

Frank Osborne

Buddy Pruitt

Victor Johnson

George McCormick

Need I go on?

And this doesn’t even touch on the things done to mothers who set foot in Utah. Let’s not forget the Baby Tamia case. How many father’s were not emotionally or financially able to fight. This has to stop! The state of Utah does not get to decide for the rest of the country who does and does not deserve to be a parent. This is plain and simple kidnapping

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Anyone in TN looking for a good fight?

April 4, 2010 at 1:07 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , )

I’m sure many people that read my blog already know of the problems with safehaven laws. I am not going to rant about how they leave adoptees with no hope of knowing their identity, encourage women to risk their lives by not seeking proper medical treatment, completely ignore the rights of the father, don’t even bother to make sure the person leaving the baby is the mother ect. Ok well I won’t rant much.

I want to talk about another aspect of these laws. I recently have had the misfortune of seeing what happens when a mother tries to reclaim her baby within the time frame allowed in these so called laws. This mother was put through months of jumping through hoops. In the begining she was threatened with criminal charges and the removal of her other children. The father who was unaware of the situation also had to jump through hop after hoop while the foster to adopt mother bonded with his child. It was over a month before he was even allowed to see his own child. I will not go into details because it is not my story to tell.

The latest turn of events is that the mother’s name is to be added to a statewide list of predators and child abusers for life. This is after Children’s Services tried every trick in the book but was forced by a judge to return the baby. Now they want to label the mother as a child abuser for the rest of her life.

Correct me if I am wrong (and I know I am not because I have read the laws a million times) but don’t these laws state specifically that the mother will not face any consequences for safehavening a newborn? How then do they justify adding the mother;s name to this list when their own offices had to admit she was a fit parent. She has never been investigated for anything with her other children. Nothing was found in the investigation to return the baby.

This family has been in court for several months and are now facing another court battle to keep her name off this list. This will cost money that a military family with small children just does not have. So dear readers, is anyone in TN up for helping?

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Done

March 5, 2010 at 9:16 pm (adoption, adoption reform) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I have come to a conclusion. The adoption industry is going to win. I am very sad saying that. It hurts to even type it. The words make me angry and scared on a deep level but I think if things continue the way they are it is true.

You know why they will win? Because we are all to busy separating ourselves and fighting. The industry loves to watch it. It means they have accomplished their goal. BSE moms fight with the Open Era moms. Adoptees fight with moms. Moms in one country fight with moms in another country. Adoptees that are anti adoption fight with adoptees that aren’t. We separate urselves into these small groups instead of just being moms or just being adoptees. Instead fo supporting each other and fighting a great evil in this world we turn our backs on each other due to location or age.

Really people, keep it up. You might as well be working at an adoption agency. When you are done with this why don’t you make up a list of vulnerable pregnant women that are easy prey and hand deliver it. You might as well. You are helping the agencies anyway. Every minute we spend drawing imaginary lines in the sand is minute we could have prevented a needless separation of mother and child, supported a father fighting for his child, changed a law, or helped a desperate mother or adoptee realize they are not alone. You guys just keep it up.

I am going to try something different. I will support any adoptee, mom or pregnant woman tat comes my way. I will help them in any way possible. I don’t care if they were born in the 40’s or yesterday. I don’t care if they are anti adoption or not.(as long as they aren’t trying to make me change my mind on my views on the subject) I don’t care if they live next door to me or in Antarctica. I will help them any way I can. I will fight the industry without sacrificing the actual people I meet along the way. I will not reinjure injured people to get something accomplished. I will not become what I hate

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Odd Habits

March 2, 2010 at 6:34 am (Independant Adoption Center, natural mother) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I picked up an odd habit after my daughter was taken from me and adopted out to strangers. At first I didn’t notice it. I didn’t notice much in those dark days. You could have run through my house on fire and I would have been hard pressed to notice. Over time this habit became more and more clear. To this day I can not sleep without doing it. It seems like a kinda funny, quirky thing but I assure you it is very frustrating.

What could it be you wonder. I sleep on my hands. I have to lay flat on my back with my hands firmly tucked under my body or I simply can not sleep. Looking back I can see how this developed. It seems almost logical to me.

When I first got home after the birth of my beautiful little girl. My only surviving daughter att the time, I could not tolerate the feel of my own stomach. It was way more than not liking it. I went out of my way to avoid even accidentally brushing it with my hand. When I slept I would often wake up with a hand carelessly thrown across my stomach. The very feel would make me vomit and then break down in hysterics. I would cry these deep body sobs for hours. My own stomach had become taboo to me. It was gross and disgusting. It made my skin crawl in the same way a spider would. I would feel it for a long time after the inital touch. I could not get it out of my mind. So I started laying on my hands.

Wow it sounds pretty sad now that I write him out. Does anyone else have any odd habits that are a direct result of adoption? Maybe I am the only one.

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Cruelty

January 30, 2010 at 12:48 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Well it sure didn’t take long for the nastiness to start up again. There is a lovely “person” attacking Myst on her blog again. You can see it here but be warned it is pretty brutal. http://mystere1998.blogspot.com/

I shouldn’t be but I am always shocked when I see this level of cruelty to a mother that is obviously grieving. I’m left to wonder why it is ok to do this to natural mothers. I have never seen any other group of people attacked so frequently. Never once have I seen a mother that miscarried told it was her fault and she should take responsibility. Or my all time fav, that she shouldn’t have opened her legs in the first place. Usually it is seen as a bad thing to kick someone when they are down. Not so with natural mothers. It is open season on our heads at all times. No insult is too low and no subject is off limits. Why is this?

It seems that us telling our stories threatens some people. We are supposed to shut up and fade into the background like natural mothers did for so many years. The internet has allowed us to network with other mothers in a way we never could before. Suddenly our story which seemed like it had to be an isolated incident was being repeated by mother after mother. It became shockingly clear to many of us that these things happen a lot. We now have the ability and the moral obligation to speak out about the injustices done to us to try to prevent others from being victimized. Normally that is seen as noble. Not so for us. For us it paints a big target on our backs.

There is one tiny good thing that comes out of all the cruelty thrown our way. It proves many of our points. It shows the insensitive monsters for who and what they are. It is a shining example of how we were and are treated. It shows expectant mothers considering adoption what they are in for once the ink is dry on those papers. So bravo! Keep on doing some of the work for us. We will use every single word against you.

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Haiti

January 25, 2010 at 12:18 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

I have been trying to think of how to express my feelings and fears about the current situation in Haiti for over a week now. I keep writing and then worrying about how it will be read so I just trash the whole post. Lucky for me someone put my feelings in words for me so all i have to do is link

http://outlandishremarks.wordpress.com/2010/01/19/whites-make-pact-with-god-expedite-haitian-adoptions/

This post is very well written and brings up most of my major fears. Children are already going missing from hospitals. Do people really want to adopt so desperately that they will do it at any cost? Would you be able to sleep at night if you found out the “orphan” you adopted has a family that was searching for them and now cries out every night for the child they are missing? I say yet again, there has to be a better way.

I’m just going to add links that I find relevant as I find them

http://bastardette.blogspot.com/2010/01/its-not-about-haiti-damn-it-its-about.html

http://adopteesofcolor.org/

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Insight

January 10, 2010 at 2:11 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I have been reading a few blogs tonight and everyone is having such insightful posts. I was stuck for hours on Myst’s what is anti adoption post.  I read some posts from enlighten adoptive parents about their kids. I was formulating my oh so insightful post in my head most of the night. (I won’t tell you what it is because I am still going to write it) I got Princess Bean to bed, started up the computer and got read to write. The general feeling of blah settled over me. I didn’t feel like writing something insightful and deep. I didn’t feel like reading anything. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all.

So I gave up after an hour of staring at the blank screen. I went to play Pet Society and be unproductive. That was ok for a while. I didn’t have to think at all and could just vegetate. I talked to my darling friend T and told her I was moody. I say I am moody a lot. I told her I don’t feel like writing. I told her I was worried I would be mean if I wrote. She being very smart told me worrying is what always keeps me from writing. So with her final just do it I gave in.

I started thinking about why I feared being mean tonight. I have been down the last couple of days. At first I thought the blog wars had bothered me more than I realized. No that’s not it. I still really have no emotions tied to that. Maybe I am down because my mom got laid off and I know that will mean more financial stress on me. While stressful that still isn’t it. Then it smacked me square in the chest

I miss my daughter. I always miss her. She is never out of my mind or heart. But tonight I miss her with a desperation I can not describe. I ache for her. I would give anything to feel her in my arms at this moment. To smell her beautiful blonde hair. To feel her curls tickle my nose. Hear her giggle and squeal with delight. To hear her soft breathing as she sleeps. I would gladly lay down and die for just one minute alone with her.

Even though she is not with me, she is my world. I need for that to be ok but it isn’t. People don’t like to hear this part of adoption. All they want to hear is the happy “I did the right thing” crap. The moment you start talking about this part you are bitter, angry and mentally ill. They don’t want to hear about the long nights of crying. The longing for a small crumb of our child’s life. That is too real.

So tonight I will look at the pictures I have of the little girl I will never know. I will cry. I will long for something that will never happen. I will miss my baby. Maybe tomorrow I can be insightful

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For Shannan with love

January 8, 2010 at 9:29 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

I met a woman the other night through  a huge blow up over on Mary’s blog ( I won’t link it but you can find it if you so desire) This woman made a hurtful comment that had us all up in arms. Quickly she saw what it was that had us upset. She made a very heartfelt and sincere apology. It probably seemed normal to her to apologize. Nothing special just something you do. Well, I was floored. It is so rare that anyone even cares that they have hurt the feelings of us mothers. Usually we just get a “sorry you are hurt, I hope you find peace I will pray for you”. Yet here she was saying she was very sorry she had said that and she did not think before typing. (yeah how many times have I done that) It really touched me that she came back to try to make amends. She has shown a desire to learn about our side of adoption. IMO learning is never a bad thing. 

I wanted to repost something I wrote all the way back on 2007. I think it is vital that people understand how I feel on this subject. I so often accused of hating anyone that adopts. So with much respect, this is for you Shannan.

I haven’t posted much lately because, quite frankly. the online adoption community has been making me sick. Its probably my fault. I know these people are out there. I should prepare myself better. I should be stronger but I’m just not. I read certain things and they are like a knife in my heart. It gets to be too much so I just stay away. I mean really, how many times can I be expected to read the same line of crap about how horrible, selfish and unfit first moms are?

So I figured something out while I was away. There are two distinct groups of people that adopt. There are adopters and adoptive parents. These two groups are like night and day. one group I find myself respecting and the other I loath.

I most commonly come in contact with adopters. (sucks for me) Adopters piss me off more than anything in this world. (well maybe not adoption professionals) They say things like “you were put in the wrong tummy”. Lovely things like “Our daughter’s birth parents had no business raising our daughter”.  They refer to first mothers as incubators. Since I am not adopted I won’t go into what this does to the poor children they have adopted. I am sure I can’t do it justice. I will let that part wait for someone else to write. Needless to say I hate hate hate adopters!

When I first started reaching out online I thought everyone that adopted was an adopter. I saw them all as my enemy. I hated them all. Then something strange happened. People that I thought were my enemy started reaching out to me. I was confused. How could they say that what happened to me was so wrong when they had an adopted child? I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I know now it was just my pain speaking. Thanks to the wonderful people that commented here and spoke to me on forums I know know adoptive parents exist.

Adoptive parents are the complete opposite of adopters. They believe in ethical adoption practices. They respect their child’s first family. They are kind and have big hearts. A perfect example of this can be found here

Found out the link was to old so here is a new one. I love this post but I really suggest you all look around. The whole blog touches my heart http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/a-lot-of-ramblin/

.I suggest you go read it. People like this do my heart good. They give me some hope. They are Adoptive Parents.

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