Utah at it Again

April 16, 2010 at 1:10 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I was reminded this morning of an email exchange in my recent past about Utah. I asserted that it was common knowledge in the adoption community that if you wanted to get around a father’s rights you go to Utah to file for adoption. I was told I had no clue what I was talking about and that Utah is not the hot spot for adopting kids whose father’s want to parent. I decided it was not worth the time and effort to continue with the email exchange and have not spoken with this person again. If I could talk to them right now all I would say is …… Oh Really?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/13/AR2010041302445.html?hpid=dynamiclead

The father of baby Emma and his mother will be on the CBS Morning Show tomorrow. This is just the latest case. I hope this father is able to fight until his daughter is returned.

Need more ?

http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-403018?ref=feeds/category/politics

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news/iteam&id=6480038

http://www.thefreelibrary.com/MAN%20BATTLES%20TO%20REVERSE%20UTAH%20ADOPTION.-a083919493

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/19/national/19fathers.html?pagewanted=2&ei=5088&en=baf075e517cb5f44&ex=1300424400&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/is_utah_a_magnet_for_unfair_adoptions_state_chief_justice_sees_a_risk_and_c/

Cody O’dea

Micheal Marek

Mario Garcia Beltran

Frank Osborne

Buddy Pruitt

Victor Johnson

George McCormick

Need I go on?

And this doesn’t even touch on the things done to mothers who set foot in Utah. Let’s not forget the Baby Tamia case. How many father’s were not emotionally or financially able to fight. This has to stop! The state of Utah does not get to decide for the rest of the country who does and does not deserve to be a parent. This is plain and simple kidnapping

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Anyone in TN looking for a good fight?

April 4, 2010 at 1:07 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , )

I’m sure many people that read my blog already know of the problems with safehaven laws. I am not going to rant about how they leave adoptees with no hope of knowing their identity, encourage women to risk their lives by not seeking proper medical treatment, completely ignore the rights of the father, don’t even bother to make sure the person leaving the baby is the mother ect. Ok well I won’t rant much.

I want to talk about another aspect of these laws. I recently have had the misfortune of seeing what happens when a mother tries to reclaim her baby within the time frame allowed in these so called laws. This mother was put through months of jumping through hoops. In the begining she was threatened with criminal charges and the removal of her other children. The father who was unaware of the situation also had to jump through hop after hoop while the foster to adopt mother bonded with his child. It was over a month before he was even allowed to see his own child. I will not go into details because it is not my story to tell.

The latest turn of events is that the mother’s name is to be added to a statewide list of predators and child abusers for life. This is after Children’s Services tried every trick in the book but was forced by a judge to return the baby. Now they want to label the mother as a child abuser for the rest of her life.

Correct me if I am wrong (and I know I am not because I have read the laws a million times) but don’t these laws state specifically that the mother will not face any consequences for safehavening a newborn? How then do they justify adding the mother;s name to this list when their own offices had to admit she was a fit parent. She has never been investigated for anything with her other children. Nothing was found in the investigation to return the baby.

This family has been in court for several months and are now facing another court battle to keep her name off this list. This will cost money that a military family with small children just does not have. So dear readers, is anyone in TN up for helping?

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Done

March 5, 2010 at 9:16 pm (adoption, adoption reform) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I have come to a conclusion. The adoption industry is going to win. I am very sad saying that. It hurts to even type it. The words make me angry and scared on a deep level but I think if things continue the way they are it is true.

You know why they will win? Because we are all to busy separating ourselves and fighting. The industry loves to watch it. It means they have accomplished their goal. BSE moms fight with the Open Era moms. Adoptees fight with moms. Moms in one country fight with moms in another country. Adoptees that are anti adoption fight with adoptees that aren’t. We separate urselves into these small groups instead of just being moms or just being adoptees. Instead fo supporting each other and fighting a great evil in this world we turn our backs on each other due to location or age.

Really people, keep it up. You might as well be working at an adoption agency. When you are done with this why don’t you make up a list of vulnerable pregnant women that are easy prey and hand deliver it. You might as well. You are helping the agencies anyway. Every minute we spend drawing imaginary lines in the sand is minute we could have prevented a needless separation of mother and child, supported a father fighting for his child, changed a law, or helped a desperate mother or adoptee realize they are not alone. You guys just keep it up.

I am going to try something different. I will support any adoptee, mom or pregnant woman tat comes my way. I will help them in any way possible. I don’t care if they were born in the 40’s or yesterday. I don’t care if they are anti adoption or not.(as long as they aren’t trying to make me change my mind on my views on the subject) I don’t care if they live next door to me or in Antarctica. I will help them any way I can. I will fight the industry without sacrificing the actual people I meet along the way. I will not reinjure injured people to get something accomplished. I will not become what I hate

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Cruelty

January 30, 2010 at 12:48 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Well it sure didn’t take long for the nastiness to start up again. There is a lovely “person” attacking Myst on her blog again. You can see it here but be warned it is pretty brutal. http://mystere1998.blogspot.com/

I shouldn’t be but I am always shocked when I see this level of cruelty to a mother that is obviously grieving. I’m left to wonder why it is ok to do this to natural mothers. I have never seen any other group of people attacked so frequently. Never once have I seen a mother that miscarried told it was her fault and she should take responsibility. Or my all time fav, that she shouldn’t have opened her legs in the first place. Usually it is seen as a bad thing to kick someone when they are down. Not so with natural mothers. It is open season on our heads at all times. No insult is too low and no subject is off limits. Why is this?

It seems that us telling our stories threatens some people. We are supposed to shut up and fade into the background like natural mothers did for so many years. The internet has allowed us to network with other mothers in a way we never could before. Suddenly our story which seemed like it had to be an isolated incident was being repeated by mother after mother. It became shockingly clear to many of us that these things happen a lot. We now have the ability and the moral obligation to speak out about the injustices done to us to try to prevent others from being victimized. Normally that is seen as noble. Not so for us. For us it paints a big target on our backs.

There is one tiny good thing that comes out of all the cruelty thrown our way. It proves many of our points. It shows the insensitive monsters for who and what they are. It is a shining example of how we were and are treated. It shows expectant mothers considering adoption what they are in for once the ink is dry on those papers. So bravo! Keep on doing some of the work for us. We will use every single word against you.

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Haiti

January 25, 2010 at 12:18 pm (adoption) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

I have been trying to think of how to express my feelings and fears about the current situation in Haiti for over a week now. I keep writing and then worrying about how it will be read so I just trash the whole post. Lucky for me someone put my feelings in words for me so all i have to do is link

http://outlandishremarks.wordpress.com/2010/01/19/whites-make-pact-with-god-expedite-haitian-adoptions/

This post is very well written and brings up most of my major fears. Children are already going missing from hospitals. Do people really want to adopt so desperately that they will do it at any cost? Would you be able to sleep at night if you found out the “orphan” you adopted has a family that was searching for them and now cries out every night for the child they are missing? I say yet again, there has to be a better way.

I’m just going to add links that I find relevant as I find them

http://bastardette.blogspot.com/2010/01/its-not-about-haiti-damn-it-its-about.html

http://adopteesofcolor.org/

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One More Time

January 5, 2010 at 11:37 am (adoption, adoption reform, adoptive parent, first mother) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

My favorite blogger of the new year is at it again. She has two posts I want to address this time.

http://gracecomesbyhearing.blogspot.com/2010/01/all-comments-arent-published.html

The first is fairly easy. I was apparently not the only one frustrated by the fact that she claims to want a debate but refuses to post most of the comments that disagree with her. I can not speak for everyone who commented on her blog. However, I commented 4 times and not one was published. I never used a single vulgar word. Never called her the evil “c” word. Never said she stole her child. Never said she was a bad person. I did say she was very ill-informed. I also did tell her I was going to blog about her post. Since I have dealt with people who twist words before I decided to save my last comment before I submitted it.

“Are you actually going to post comments this time? I don’t have the time or energy to type out a comment for it to end up in the trash file. I will check back tonight to see if you are. If not I will just post on my blog.”

When I linked her last post I also sent her a comment telling her I was linking to her. I explained in that post I always tell a blogger when I link to them. I have always had people send me a little note when they link to me. Personally I think it is polite to do so. I would hate for someone to stumble upon it and feel like I was talking about them behind their back. I guess manners are more important to some people than others. So basically there was never any snide threat to bash her on another blog if she didn’t post comments. Just a the same courtesy I extended before.

Now that is out of the way on to the nitty gritty. http://gracecomesbyhearing.blogspot.com/2010/01/valid-reason-needed-part-2.html

I have no clue why she has decided to keep calling out this one blogger. While she is worried that people considering adoption will be scared off by hearing the stories of mothers that were deeply hurt by adoption, I hope for it. If people adopting were pushing for more ethical adoptions and making sure the mother of the child they hope to adopt was not being pressured, tricked or forced in to it, I think that is a good thing.

I stand by the fact that God would not approve of the way adoption is practiced today. God does want us to care for the less fortunate. Orphans should be taken care of but are we even talking about orphans? The children adopted in DIA are not orphans. They have mothers and fathers. The orphan thing just doesn’t fly here. Twisting the bible to be pro adoption is the very same thing she is accusing the anti crowd of doing. If Jesus was adopted by Joseph in modern-day adoption then God would no longer legally be his father. He would have grown up simply being the son of Joseph. Mary would have been pressured to give her son to a “more deserving” family. And the history of an entire religion would have been erased. Let’s not forget Jesus wouldn’t have been able to have access to his original identity unless Joseph gave it to him. Adoption in that part of the world at that time was very very different from what is practiced now in western societies. The comparison can’t even be made.

The simple dismissal of the BSE is appalling. It went on far longer than just the 1950s. Some of it still goes on now. The only real thing that has changed is the tactics. In the last 3 years there was a story of 3 young pregnant girls sent to a maternity home by their parents. These girls broke out and were hunted down. If the times have changed so much then why did this happen? Agencies spend million to figure out the best way to manipulate pregnant women into surrendering. They spend just as much on “birthmother outreach”. Do you know what that phrase means? It means they contact anyone who might be in contact with unwed pregnant women in hopes of their agency being pushed. Women aren’t even safe at their own OB/GYN at this point. Going to Walmart holds the same danger as wanna be adoptive parents are putting their calling cards in maternity clothes and handing out their profile cards to pregnant women that aren’t wearing a wedding ring. Social workers show up in doctor’s offices and hospital rooms to push adoption. Adoption workers flood the hospital the moment anyone they have ever had contact with goes into labor. Babies are rushed out of the delivery room to keep their mother’s from seeing them. Mother’s are stitched up after delivery with no pain medication. (I was one of them so don’t dare tell me it doesn’t happen) Look up the term hot boxing because that is common when a mother starts to change her mind. Things have not changed nearly as much as you wish they have.

All you have to do to see where she got her information about “open” adoption from is talk to mothers. The agency never once told me it was not enforceable. They told me I could see my child once a month until she was 18. When I revoked my consent to the adoption they threatened to tell the adoptive parents I was dangerous and make sure I never saw her again. I asked how they could do that if we signed a contract. It’s not legal! Can you imagine the horror of finding that out? It happens over and over to women every day. Read some of the agency websites. Never once is it mentioned that it is not legally enforceable. If your agency actually told the mother of your child that then bravo to them. they are truly rare.

As to the happiness of parties in adoption you can not know that. Even in your own case. What do you think the adoptive parents of my child would tell you about my happiness if you asked them? They would say that while it was painful at first I am happy with my decision and have moved on with my life knowing the child is happy. You know why? For my child’s sake I play the game. I pretend I am happy. I smile and pretend adoption is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I will not risk losing what little contact I have by being honest. It is vital that she get to see me and her siblings. It will benefit her in the long run so I give away my soul piece by piece for her. Every mother I know in an “open” adoption does the same thing. All these “happy” moms end up in support groups and forums with Myst and I.

The sad thing to me is that you missed the entire point of Myst’s blog post. In an effort to defend your family you totally overlooked what she was saying. If women and children are being hurt we need to find a better way. It is not acceptable to throw them under the bus because some people are happy. With all your blogging I have yet to see a valid reason either

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For Real?? You’re Kidding Right?

January 2, 2010 at 1:30 pm (adoption, adoption reform, adoptive parent) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I was brought to my attention last night that there is a blog written by an adopter that has linked several mothers that I know as well as a couple adoptees. This “blogger” has just discovered the horror that some people don’t believe adoption is all sunshine and rainbows.  People that think families should not be destroyed to create another “family” and that people are not interchangeable is just shocking to her. If you have the stomach for it, you can read the whole thing here

http://gracecomesbyhearing.blogspot.com/2009/12/best-hope.html

I want to touch on a couple of things from her post and since her comments are on moderation I will be doing it here.

While I do agree many of the people in the adoption reform movement have had bad experiences with adoption it in no way negates the need for reform. That is like saying that a rape victim just had a bad experience so there really isn’t any need for tougher laws. It is also not just women in this movement. There are quite a few male adoptees and fathers that fight the good fight right along side the women. Some of us are totally anti adoption (myself included) and some of us are not. You really must not have read very much if you didn’t notice that. Some of our supporters are adoptive parents that have seen the truth of what is being done to acquire these babies for people willing to pay the fees. Most people with any compassion or empathy would want to stop a corrupt system that profits from snatching babies from their mother’s breast and selling them to the highest bidder.

As for the woman’s story you link, It should make you cry. it should make you weep for that family.  Drugging a woman that has just given birth is evil. That woman had a very complicated delivery that ended in an emergency c section. They tied her tubes “while they were in there” making it impossible for her to ever have another child. If she had signed a contract to buy a freaking lawnmower while under that amount of medication, after a major surgery, while still bleeding in her hospital bed it would never hold up in court. Yet because the word adoption is on the paper it was perfectly legal for them to get her to sign away her much beloved son. The son she had already named and who’s siblings were waiting for at home. This should make you do more than shed a few tears. It should make you rage for a mother, father and 3 children whose lives are utterly destroyed.

Make no mistake, their lives were destroyed. They will never be ok. They might live, laugh, love and enjoy aspects of life but forever their will be an empty spot beside them where that little boy should be. Do you have any idea where that woman is now, 4 yrs later? I do. She is trying to survive for the child she has left. She spends all night curled up n the couch crying and looking at pictures of that baby. She tries anything to forget for even one second that her baby is out there being raised by people that used her and lied to her. It doesn’t work. It never works. She remembers every second with every cell in her body and it is killing her. How do I know? Because I am the one talking her down at 4 in the morning when she doesn’t think she can go on any longer. I am the one holding her hand all night long. I am the one scared to death every time his birthday rolls around tat she will do something understandable but tragic. I am the one that has to watch her self destruct with guilt and pain while I am powerless to stop it.

So you are damn right we are angry. No one in their right mind wouldn’t be angry when faced with this hell. I am not mad at God. I am angry at people. Evil selfish people who use others for selfishness and greed and then throw them away like garbage. These acts are not God’s plan.  It is offensive for you to even suggest that they are. God does not destroy one family to “build” another. God does not approve of lying and stealing to get what you want. Jesus preached of loving our neighbors and taking care of them not stealing children because you have more money. Evil acts are NEVER God’s plan. God weeps when he sees his children treat each other this way. So don’t feed me your God’s plan crap. That is all it is crap. Why isn’t it God’s plan for the infertile to remain childless then? It sucks when the shoe is on the other foot huh?

I won’t even get into your dribble about blank slates, second best or the way you make sure to type “natural mother” every single time tonight. I have used up enough energy on you for one evening. Oh and if you are going to try to take us on at least have the guts to post comments

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Dear Jim

June 9, 2008 at 9:56 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthparents, first mother, justice) (, , , , , , )

Sometimes a very special comment comes alone. One that just deserves its own post.

It seems that your anger is being directed toward everyone but the guilty party: you. You are obviously an unfit mother and your child is better off with someone else. My advice is to seek counseling for your anger and stop blaming everyone but yourself.

Awwww Jim. Thank you oh so much for coming over here to tell me what I am and am not. You saved me all the trouble of thinking. (something it seems you do little of too) Now that you have made me aware I am an unfit mother I can tell the school to pull my oldest son out of advanced placement math. Too much homework for us unfit mothers to help with. I can stop baking the 4 dozen muffins I promised for youngest sons lock in. No more need for me to run the kids to concerts, play dates, soccer, clubs and school events. Oh Shit! I better call all the parents that just entrusted their kids with me yesterday at the pool party and tell them to be more careful! Oh the horror of them letting me take care of their children. I guess I can stop cooking and cleaning every second that I have free. No more helping with school projects and being the room parent. Damn my life just got a whole lot less busy.

As to my daughter being better off with someone else I will have to disagree. I will not bash the people taking care of her on here. I will just make one simple point. Even if I was the monster you want to believe I am. No need to believe I am….. My daughter lost her entire family. Grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters all gone from her life. She has lost her heritage.( something we strongly celebrate as a family) She has lost so many people that would have brought a special joy to her life.

Now on to anger. Yep I’m angry. Anger is a natural response to being victimized. Would you rather I be happy that my child was stolen from me? In my opinion that would make me a true monster. Walk a mile in my shoes and see if you are angry. I’m willing to bet you are. If you really think anyone can go through this and not be angry you are stupider than I thought. Yet I do not walk around all day raging with steam coming out of my ears. This is my blog about my feeling and what happened to ME. WTF did you expect to find here. You should have gone back and read the whole blog. I have already cover the whole angry and bitter BS.

Fear not dear Jim. I know exactly who to blame. I am done taking responsibility for the actions of others. Hmmm maybe I should let the judge know it was all my fault after all. I’m sure he will hang his head in shame for blaming that poor innocent agency. And when he asks me how I know its me to blame we won’t need all that pesky evidence we used the first time. I can just let him know its true cause Jim told me. I’m sure he’ll love that

My advice to you my friend, is learn how to read.

 

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