Hit a Nerve?

June 6, 2008 at 1:14 am (adoption) (, )

I can’t believe I am going back into this argument. Its really pretty damn simple people. Making light of the most painful and traumatic thing in someone Else’s life is not cool . Freaking Duh!!!!!!!!!!!! Adoption is still not the new pregnant. Not only is that dismissive of all women who do give birth; it makes our children sound like the latest fashion craze. Our babies are not the new black. Our pain and suffering for life is not the new black. The PTSD, night terrors, fear of ever having another child, empty arms, longing for OUR child, depression and crippling damage done to our families is not the new damn black. Living my life knowing that not all of the nmoms and adoptees I meet will make it is not the new anything. If you had any kind of heart the extremely high suicide rate would concern you. But noooooooooooo. As long as we say nothing about your little shirt you will be a ok.

Yep. I’m pissed again. What set me off this time?

Now, at this point, I was livid. For someone who will NEVER KNOW the joy of feeling a baby growing inside me, that was just downright insensitive and mean.


With a cute little link to my blog and one of another natural mom. So here’s a link to her’s which I also didn’t bother to ask about or even comment on her blog http://followouradoption.blogspot.com/2008/06/i-am-in-group-online-with-other-foster.html

I’m so sorry if you are livid. I am so sorry you are infertile. However, it is not my fault or the fault of any other fertile woman. I am livid.  For someone who will NEVER Know the joy of feeling my baby snuggling in my arms that was downright insensitive and mean. And why will I never know that joy? Because I was an easy target. Because I had no protection in the hospital so some sw thought it would be great to have me sign papers while heavily medicated. Because some one was willing to pay for my child to be stolen from our family. Because mt revocation papers were held illegally until after the deadline. Because my rights and those of my baby were violated over and over. (judge said it too so its not my guilt) notice being an unfit parent was never mentioned.

By the way, you aren’t paper pregnant either. I will fight that term until women start dropping dead of complications of paper signing. You can not co op pregnancy and all that goes with it. Adoption is not your way of being pregnant. It is your way of parenting. There is a huge difference.

Oh and my blog won’t be shutting down the posts. I can more than handle the heat so bring it (to anon commenter) I know the other blogger can as well. However we are not required to take abuse from every adopter online.





  1. Jim Hensky said,

    It seems that your anger is being directed toward everyone but the guilty party: you. You are obviously an unfit mother and your child is better off with someone else. My advice is to seek counseling for your anger and stop blaming everyone but yourself.

  2. justenjoyhim said,

    Aislin, I’m sorry you have to go through this again. I left a gentle comment on that blog, as did mama2roo, just trying to give that woman a different perspective, if it at all helps.

    Jim ~ are you basing this insight on one post? Sorry guy, you’re out in left field on this one.

  3. JadedTears said,

    Jim… do us all a favor and don’t comment on someone’s blog unless u know whats going on! If u dont live it u dont know it. So do us all a even bigger favor and go kill urself!

  4. simplegracethirst said,

    I don’t know you Ainslin, but I just wanted to say that I am sorry for the Jim Henskys of this world.

  5. Kristi said,

    I am sorry that you have so much pain in your heart! Honestly, some of the other commenters are right.. you do not know my story. “I am so sorry you are infertile”.. I am not infertale.. I just wanted to point that out. We have chosen to adopt. I am sorry that you are so sensative to the sayings and the t-shirts that are out there… and I hope that you can find a way to heal. If you venting about my t-shirt helps you feel better… then I am glad something is working for you.

    I want to point out one more thing.. I AM NOT THE ONE WHO WROTE THAT! As I stated in my blog, another adoptive mommmy wrote it because she was so hurt.. I simply copied it. it was posted in a forum where there are over 900 adopted women, foster parents, and adoptive parents (from both sides) mine was simply posted on a blog for my friends and family to read.. I never meant it to hurt any one.

    If you were to take a moment and not be so closed minded and jump to conclusions and being so opinionated, you might realize that there is so much more to my story.. and I HAVE done years of research as well as being VERY experienced with the feelings of adoption from more than one angle.

    I hope your heart heals soon!

  6. aislin13 said,

    I am venting about the shirt itself. I was alos writing to the person that wrote the words quoted. I found them on your blog because you linked to me. I didn’t go seeking it out. The shirt itself is hurtful to a great many people. It has nothing to do with your story. I have mentioned the shirt before as you know. Its not like I went around looking for blogs of people that owned the stupid thing.
    I am far from close minded. I have several friends that are adoptive parents. I didn’t jump to any conclusions. I simply put the words on your blog into the context of a first mother that is in pain. If you didn’t write those words then it wasn’t to you.
    This part is to everyone… Please please please do not pray for me or worry about my healing. I need prayers from strangers as much as I need a hole in the head. You don’t know what pain I am in, you don’t know what I am doing to heal, you have no clue how much I have healed already. Simple fact is I will never heal completely. Having a child stolen is not something you recover from. It stays with you forever. I will never be whole. I will never be ok. I will survive and have a good life but there will forever be something missing and I will always be painfully aware of it

  7. Lyn said,

    Aislin, I AM the one who wrote those words you quoted. I apologize publicly to Kristi for the flak she has taken in reprinting my words in her own blog. I am the infertile one, not she.

    I am sorry about your story, I truly am. I wasn’t writing those words (“insensitive and mean”) about your blog. I was quoting a different blog at that point, one that basically made light of infertility as you think we are making light of birth mothers. I assure you, we are not. When I quoted your blog, I did note that it had perspectives from both sides, and I respect that you post messages contrary to your own opinions. In my original post, my only motivation was that I had never heard anything negative about adoption and I stumbled upon many, many websites expressing negative experiences. I was asking other adoptive/foster parents if they had run across this. That’s all – I did NOT mean to belittle anyone else’s experiences.

    Thank you for your story. I won’t try to placate you or tell you to get counseling or anything like that – only you know how much you’re hurting and I will never know your pain. You also will never know mine. In that light, I hope we can end this – and go on with our lives. Take care.

  8. Lyn said,

    by the way, that smiley face was put in by your blog editor…not intentional.

  9. JadedTears said,

    “there will forever be something missing and I will always be painfully aware of it”
    This is exactly how i feel as well.

  10. Lyn said,

    Aislin, I don’t know if you received my posts last night and chose not to publish them…but I wanted you to know that I am the one who was hurt by the words on the blog you quoted. NOT your blog. Someone else’s. Yes, I was bothered by the comments posted on your blog, but I did NOT say that your blog was insensitive and mean – those words were directed at another blog altogether. As a matter of fact, in my FULL posting, I expressed an appreciation of your blog since it also listed opinions contrary to your own.

    Placating your pain is condescending so I will not do that. I am truly sorry for your loss and I am also sorry for my loss, as I am the infertile one mentioned in your posts. I will never know your pain and you will never know mine. However, I appreciate your point of view and I will use that as a positive – you have given me a broader perspective, and for that I thank you.

    Most sincerely,


  11. JadedTears said,

    And here’s my 2 cents again…
    Instead of selfishly helping yourself to a child through adoption, be selfless and help a family stay together.

  12. aislin13 said,

    I was just really busy last night and missed you. I always post all my comments unless they are spam. I even post assholes like Jim when I probably shouldn’t.
    I do thank you for the respect you have shown. I think you see what I was originally saying about the shirt. I wouldn’t be upset by a shirt that said something like homestudy ready or waiting for referal. That would be totally diffrent. It would be honest and not dismissive of first mothers. I would never dream of walking around in a shirt that made light of the pain of infertility. Its all about compassion, respect and empathy.

  13. Clare said,

    I really appreciate you letting me post Aislin. As I’ve said I never lost a child to adoption. Maybe I can explain how I became concerned about this issue. When I was younger, still living with my mother, a neighbor and her husband adopted a little boy from Korea. They brought the baby by to visit my Mom and grandmother pretty frequently. They were always happy to see him. We didn;’t have any babies in our family at that time and they just showered attention on him. The adopters seemed like pretty nice people. When the little boy was about two they started talking about how they wanted another child; a girl this time. I guess if the next child needing a family in Korea had been a boy he would have been out of luck. Anyway, they were excited about eventually getting a girl. Eventually, my Mom ran into this young woman at the supermarket. She was all excited and showed her a picture of a baby girl they had just received from Korea. “their daughter” Well, weeks went by and things were pretty quiet. Next time my Mom ran into the neighbor she asked when they were expecting the little girl to arrive. You know what she said? “It turns out there are health problems- Serious…….. so we’ve discussed it and accepted that this just isn’t the baby that God intented for us to have. But the next healthy girl available in Korea will be ours!” I guess that’s how you know you have a daughter: you know if she’s perfect. Eventually they did adopt a healthy girl. A child who would have been welcomed into any family in the world because of course like the boy she was perfect. Years later I mentioned the conversation to my husband and he laughed. He said “maybe this was Exactly the baby God wanted them to have.” Sorry for going on so long. It just seems like in some of these posts you’ve been taking a beating and I really hope you never let it get you down. All the best to you, your sons and baby daughter. Clare

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