March 31, 2007 at 4:30 pm (adoption, birthmother, birthparents)

So many times I have been asked to describe how it feels to lose a child to adoption. I have come to realize that it just can’t be done. The feelings are to intense and most people don’t have a point of reference so can’t really get it. This is as close as I can come and it is really a poor comparison.

Up until the adoption experience the ground I stood on was always solid. It was safe. While things happened to maske it feel unsafe at times it was still just one solid piece of ground.

When I woke up and realized my child was gone and I couldn’t do a thing about it that ground opened up. A great quake in my life split the ground beneathe my feet.

A huge chasm opened up in that ground. It was no longer solid and whole. There was a huge rift opening up to a hell most people can only imagine.

Now I am left straddleing that chasm. One foot precariously balanced on each side of the hole.

Everyday I try to steady my footing. The whole time the earth shakes and threatens to pull me down into the depths. It is a constant fight. I try to balance myself while it trys to pull me down.

Losing a child in this manner is a never ending sick dance. You try to balance your life and have something real and good to hold on to. Yet you can never forget that a part of your soul, your essence, your very being has been removed. It is gone and its not coming back. Nothing can fix that.

I’ve been staring at this for days now. Time to say screw it. Its being published even though it sucks.


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