Breaking Down Down Down

July 27, 2007 at 1:59 am (adoption, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, justice)

I mentioned in my last post that I have a lot going on in my life right now, none of which is really good. It seems like life just loves to kick me when I’m down.

A relative I am very close to has become ill. I am not close to many people so its a hard blow for me. I guess ill isn’t really the right word. He is going to die. Its just a matter of time before he slips past my grasp to a place I can not follow. I think he knew I would be alone if he had gone sooner. I think he waited until he knew I would have someone to help me. He waited until he could be sure the great and powerful Hedge would take care of me and keep me safe. He waited because he is one of the very few people in the world that has ever truly loved me. I don’t know how I will live without him.

I haven’t heard from the people that have my child in months. I have heard all the stupid things people say to make you worry less. Maybe they are busy, hmmmm I don’t care how busy they are a 2 line email wouldn’t kill them. Maybe their email isn’t working, maybe they should let me in on it. Maybe they just forgot, somehow I don’t feel better being forgotten. Maybe maybe maybe….. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care! I want to know my baby is ok. I need to know my baby is ok! Just tell me my baby is alive and I will find a way to live. I have to know. You promised I would always know. Remember you love me so much and would never cut me out. You said it. Now do it!

Then it really sinks in that none of it was true. They don’t love me at all. It is just something they say. Proof of love is in actions not hollow words. I have to accept that they might never contact me again. Accept that I might never know if she is alive. What her smile looks like. If she loves music like we do. If she has the same attitude as her siblings. I might never know even the smallest thing about her. I have to accept it but How? If anyone knows how please tell me because i can’t figure it out and I am drowning here.

Last night i had a very hard conversation. It was well meaning. How could anyone know it would send me spiraling out of control into a darkness I thought I had escaped? I was asked questions about being pregnant with the Bean. It led to talking about my former pregnancies. Things like how much they kicked and if they were high or low in my stomach. It just poured out of me. A carried really high. She was all the way up in my ribs. I thought she would break them for sure. She kicked with such force. Man it hurt like hell. She had the hiccups all the time. She was never still. Always moving and full of life. I told them all the things she did and all the things I did to comfort her. The songs I sang, how I rubbed my stomach, the stories I told her. Then I fell silent. It occurred to me that all I have of my baby had been shared already. That is all I have of her. That is it. I can’t talk about her birth because i was too drugged to remember any of it. There are no stories of her life because I am not permitted to be part of it. I don’t know one silly little thing about her. Nothing. All I have of my only surviving little girl can be told in 10 minutes. That is all I have of the baby I begged God to give me for years. And she will remember none of it.

Some days it is just too much for my soul. I can’t find a way to live through it. Some days I don’t want to. I am not as strong and brave as I pretend to be. I am not the rock I portray to help others. I am human. I am weak. I am powerless in this. I hurt so badly I feel like I am going to explode. All the wise words I give to others when they are in need aren’t working for me. I am not healed as many of you think. I am going under yet again. I hurt and I can’t make it stop.

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