Music of Exile

March 22, 2007 at 3:25 am (adoption, Uncategorized)

There was a time when I listened to just about every kind of music. Those days are long gone. No more sappy love songs or cheerful beats for me. Now I turn on a cd an hear power cords and angry screaming voices. Lyrics about torment and pain. I hear me in these songs. The rage that is just beneath the surface. The pain and agony of my soul.

I wanted to share a song that really gets me in a place most don’t. On bad days I just hit repeat and cry it out.

Pendulum stops and falls away
Life sifted through like sand
Storms of summer rain
Flooding lifelines in our hands
Our skin of blood and bone
Gently close to dust and blows
Our home of blood and bone
Pulls through the ground and so….
Unstoppable
These feelings of loss
So unstoppable
Egging through to the marrow of bones
Just let it go
Pain willing in your eyes
Just let me go
Dry the tears that fall

And remember
When everything is typical
I’ll be the wish upon a star
I’ve found a place so magical
Goodbye….

See you another goodbye
I… See you another goodbye
See you another goodbye
See you another…

Peeling killers rise
Precious circle is mended
Sense vertigo in you
So I’ll be your halo
So unstoppable
My love for you
So unstoppable
Memories of you

Just remember
When everything is typical
I’ll be the wish upon a star
I’ve found a place so magical
But still please…

Someone, Help Me, Grab Me, Save Me Now,
Distrust, Darkened, Daylight, I’ve lost sight
Someone, Help Me, Grab Me, Save Me Now,
Distrust, Darkened, Daylight, I’ve lost sight

Remember
That nothing here is typical
I’ll be the wish upon a star
I’ve lost something so magical
And gone so far
Just remember
When everything seems difficult
I’ll be shining from a far
When it feels like things have gone away
I’ll see you again

I’ll see you again, Goodbye
I’ll see you again, Goodbye
I’ll see you again, Goodbye
I’ll see you again, Goodbye
I’ll see you again, Goodbye….

Mudvayne

Just looking at the lyrics I wonder “what have I become?” Am I really this person now? Sadly I have to admit that I am.

Gone is the girl that wished on the first star every night. No more splashing in puddles. No hope of a bright future. No singing to myself during long walks on the beach. No care free days and lazy thoughts

It has all been replaced. Now I have deep thoughts of “what if” and “if I had only”. I only go to the beach at night to scream where no one can hear me. Instead of wishing on stars I cry in my pillow every night. Silently so no one will notice I am not as okay as I pretend to be. And always there is the dark empty place that can not be filled. It is all around me. Beside me and with in me. The empty place my child should be.

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